The Stay At Home Comedian

For the record, I came up with the expression Stay At Home Comedian. Before I heard Gary Shandling use it to describe himself in a standup comedy set. I saw on Judd Apatow’s documentary of him on HBO. At the time, I was only a parent of 1 before my TV writing break at VH1 Classic. Now, I’m an unemployed comedian/father of 3. So despite Gary Shandling’s reputation as a comedic boxer Buddha recluse comedy whisperer to the stars during his post Larry Sander years. Chances are, he got out of the fucking the house to entertain and do more sets at the Hermosa Comedy Magic Club than I ever did.

I met Gary Shandling once doing catering work at an art event in Pasadena, California around 2002. It was my 1st year of doing open mike stand up comedy. Of course, I  introduced myself. Told him I’m doing stand up and want to write for TV. He says. “Keep writing and you’ll look like me.” Always funny and kind, a class act till the end. God Bless Gary Shandling.  But he lived out his dream and got to give Gina Gershon a foot massage in the Larry Sanders show. So far, I had to settle with passing by Gina Gershon in the West Village with my wife once, making heated eye contact with her along the way. She uttered a breathy “hey.” It was like watching lost treasure float off into the distance with One Eyed Willy.

But this stay at home comedian tale isn’t about my non-existent sex life since the cumulative impact of 3 breastfed kids since we got married, have turned our bed into a permanent 24/7 open milk bar.  The other night, my daughter says. “Mommy, you don’t love daddy because you’re never affectionate with him. For example, not once do I ever see you 2 kiss.” Meanwhile, my daughter doesn’t understand how hard it is for my wife to get up for some good old fashioned, bed elevating boom, boom, circa 2010 during our falling in love sweaty sex period. Especially, when her husband fails to bring home any loot for the family for almost 3 years straight as a stay at home comedian/father of 3. Playing stay at home mom gets uncomfortable fast when your wife feels that you’re starting to strangle her too hard financially.

So what makes me a Stay At Home Comedian? Well, I’m a pretty prolific joke writer. For 3 years my open mike has been a social media site called Comedy Wire for comedians and Twitter. On Comedy-Wire, I’ve banged out 7000 plus voted on jokes by other comedians. On Twitter my grand total before I pulled the plug on my account was accumulation of 34,000 tweets since hopping on the platform 7 years ago after my daughter was born. Meaning similar to President Trump, whose overall tweet output is around 32,000 tweets or so. Obviously, native New Yorkers from Queens have no problem expressing themselves or ever run out of things to say.

About a year ago I did an open mike at the Eastville Comedy Club in Manhattan, good set for the 5 remaining in attendance. I open with. “Stop saying Queens is hot. It’s not. Compared to Manhattan and Brooklyn, Queens is the sloppy third Kardashian sister. The greasy one. Whose easy to pound at 3 in the morning like a Lamb Gyro in Astoria. Also, Caitlyn Jenner wasn’t asexual married to Kris Jenner. But I bet Bruce Jenner back in the day stayed harder longer, after he got Kris to cut her hair short. So she could look more like a dolled up Ralph Machio. I don’t miss playing basketball in Queens. One time, my brother and I are about to play a game of one on one. And 5 black guys show up on the court. All wearing wife beaters and jean shorts. Looking like they all got dressed up for Coolio Appreciation Day. Then, the leader of the gangster paradise coalition barks out. Yoh, blacks versus whites.

My asshole immediately tenses. It feels like my manhood was just shredded to pieces from behind. I lean over to whisper toward my younger brother. Black versus whites. This basketball court, turned into a prison yard scene real fast. We better look around for some Neo Nazi’s to protect us. We didn’t watch every single episode of OZ for nothing. At least our bump free noses work in our favor.”

Solid material I know. How do I know? Because if the jokes got laughs on multiple stages and the crowd really does know all. It’s the truth revealer similar to Twitter. Trump doesn’t win the presidency without it. How anyone doesn’t love Trump for ruining the Bush Dynasty in one swoop by calling Jeb Bush “low energy” and some “tough guy” is beyond me. Regardless of whether you’re intent on sucking off Obama’s fake news aura of pure good till your last dying breath or not.

For the record, my pro Trump stance has made getting an interview for any tech startup in Manhattan nearly impossible. It didn’t help with securing a job interview for a copywriter role at Vineyard Vines in Standford CT, either. Despite my wow worthy ad campaign for them, free of charge. “Old Money isn’t as money. Dress for new success.” Maybe, they know Vince Vaughn is a Hollywood Republican.

The resistance and mass hysteria against this presidency upsets me, knowing what raving, limited, lunatics its exposed my artist role models to be. Richard Lewis, Neil Young, Bourdain, Bob Segar, Eddie Vedder, Albert Brooks, Seth Macfarlane. Hillary Hammer Time Cankles lost. She failed to sell America on why Baby Boomer mom knows best. Get over it. Hollywood isn’t the main pulse of America. The thing is though, funny is funny. And Trump is hilarious. And I don’t understand how my comedic hero’s can’t apricate that trait alone. Knowing how that’s the one overriding talent that allowed them to live out of their wildest fantasies of being star comedians. Who have gotten to sleep with beautiful looking women, attend all the hottest clubs, fall in love, develop a band of brothers in the arts, own multiple homes, earn the respect of their idols and afford to own real estate in LA and Manhattan.

What are resistor comedians so angry about exactly? Besides your tits sagging popularity Chelsea. You really think Jim Carrey would ever work for free? You really think the world ever respected Jim Carrey as a respectable intellectual, larger than life speaker, an all star salesman or brilliant phrase maker of any kind, outside of alrighty then?

I wanted to be in this comedy club so bad till Trump became President. Now, I just want to succeed as a best selling humor writer who actually makes people laugh out loud reading. Who actually touches hearts and souls while making American family comedy great again.  I don’t want to abandon my kids for the road 300 days a year. At least not yet. I don’t buy the I’d quit the road bullshit if my kids asked to me it Charlie Daniels. Arsenio took a break from showbiz at the height of Coming America fame to look after his kid and he looks like a million bucks today. I’m 42 and still get asked for ID. So I must be doing something right.

So getting asked for ID at Target with my 3 kid makes me feel like a teen drop out from Tallahassee.  Whose LinkedIn profile title should read Crystal Meth Homemaker. I’m a joke machine now. I couldn’t stop if I tried.  Not after my mother says son. “Why don’t you become a garbage man to support you family.” Great idea mom. Then, when I attend career day at Matilda’s school. I can credit you for the brilliant idea of slinging shit for a living. Every laugh yanker produced by me is a win and I want to yank them out of you all.

By,

Micahel Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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