Grandparent Bad Manners

Grandpa making his granddaughter reek of stale, shitty, discontinued Arabic cigarettes, ruining her April fresh smell only 2 days after being yanked out of mama, into God’s green earth.

Grandma blaming the broken AC in her car for not visiting her 2 grandchildren all summer. Knowing her husband wouldn’t mind if she sweated off a couple of tons from the waist down in the process.

Not having backup dog muzzles on your person, the 1 week every summer your 2 grandchildren stay over. 2 for 1 deals at Shoprite for Morning Star veggie bacon doesn’t mask how much this cheap, oversight bites.

Pushing your son to get a job as a garbage man to support his family because she views all Trump supporters as trashy, deplorable pieces of shit in the 1st place.

Showing up to the delivery room empty handed. Only to bust out the nice Irish Whiskey after the Eagles won the Super Bowl despite living in Delaware and hailing from Manchester England originally.

Grandma insisting your kids only release shrieks of joy in the designated, cramped playroom for the dog to chew on their feet. After chewing through its fucking nozzle again.

Offering X money for a down deposit. Only to offer half after an offer was extended because the glamorous Victorian with 2 acres of land dwarfed their Arizona compound shrine to themselves.

English born Grandpa complaining about brain overload from the probing, rapid firing questioning from his New York granddaughter. Knowing he’s an uppity, well paid SAP Consultant.

Grandpa hunting down his 39 year old father of 2 at the local Irish bar. After the 2 grandchildren were already asleep. To announce Grandma and Grandpa are pooped out and done for the night.

Adopting a rescue dog without consulting their 3 grandchildren 1st knowing they’ll no longer be the center of attention whenever they’re around with that stupid, hairless, runt of a dog again.

Allowing their snotty gentile friend accuse their son in law of not being Jewish at their house over Christmas despite him being the only 1 blessed with the funny Jew bone in attendance.

Grandma telling your wife to change the babies nappy. When she’s there under the pretext of “helping out” your wife suffering from Postpartum Depression. Grandma isn’t Trump either.

Feeding your newborn sugar water. Thinking your enlightened east coast elitist edge is still intact after retiring to Scottsdale, Arizona.

Grandma only getting her grandchildren raising son in law black gym socks for Christmas which would be considered a cool gift before Chris Webber’s brain fart ruined everything.

Grandma & Grandpa not calling their grandchildren bearing son on his birthday from Israel because they must have been hiding out in death tunnels with no cell phone service.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

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