Bed Sharing With My Baby

Babies cries in the crib. Cries ensue. Hey, babe, do you mind? But if I get Samuel out of the crib, he’ll be on my boob all night long. All of a sudden, your boob has more important places to be? 3 kids, 7 consecutive years later. Our bed has morphed into a 24/7 open milk bar. But you don’t hear me bitching about it. I add. On our honeymoon when you were 3 months pregnant and squeezed a stream of milk out of your nipple across the room like it was a fountain display at the Bellagio. You didn’t hear a peep from me. Besides, it signifying the premature, deflating end of our honeymoon phase.

I got over it. The sweaty sex period in most relationships only lasts 3 months max anyway. Where your bed actually defies the laws of gravity and elevates despite hardcore pounding downward.  Then, oversexed men end up dropping the L bomb in return, get married and become sluts in straight jackets assuming Don Draper isn’t your role model in life.

Again, I’m not complaining about this new dynamic in my relationship with a wife I used to go double dosing on E with in Central Park to lick up a scattering of early evening rainy mist at Paul Van Dyke concerts.  Because now as a Stay At Comedian/Father of 3, I don’t feel like a total degenerate in my snuggling forties compared to my swinging twenties. Now, when I see a see a pair fairy wings around me I tense. Like the time, my wife’s best friend bought my 5 year old daughter fairy wings for Christmas. I said. Take those fairy wings off my daughter. She already looks like an overdose at the Lime Light waiting to happen.

Now, in my snuggling forties I’ve been blessed with the God given honor to keep my 3rd baby member of my developing Kiss Army snuggly and warm. Some call bedsharing with your kids co-sleeping. Which falls under a Danish philosophy called Attachment Parenting. The idea behind the parenting philosophy is bedsharing with your newborn is the root of most secure happy kids as they get older because they never felt emotionally abandoned their 1st week out of mom’s heavenly portal snatch. Alone, crying out their latest hunger pangs for pure booby milk straight from the tap.  And who can blame babies for wanting instant access to pure boob at 2 in the morning over the man made kind normally served in a bottle too scolding to scoff down the second they need it most.

For my  3 kid child, Samuel Teddy Kornbluth, I’ve become the most intimate with compared to my 2 children prior, Matidla and Arthur because my RN nurse wife never worked nights until Samul was born. As a result, this stay at home comedian would be the only one in our main room bedroom with Samuel on nights my wife worked revitalizing blue faced babies and checking for vital signs in the NICU. Which makes me feel like a self-involved narcissist because all I’m checking for late at night is for retweets.

But I’m not going to bore you with the minutia of feeding my baby boy leftover boob milk and endless bottles of formula to the point where his cheeks almost exploded from being the beneficiary of never ending booby milk keg stands of sorts.

I want to tell you how bedsharing with my baby has been largely responsible for establishing the roots of my love supreme happy baby.  Believe it or not, this stay at home comedian gets out of the house more than you think. Because after being shat on as a cold calling IT headhunter for 12 years straight by stiff nerds and millennial mousketeers for a living. I can handle other stay at home moms welcoming me at the playground with as much warmth as a resurgent herpes sore on the spot. Because stay at home dads infringe on their turf and fake feminists don’t play that.

In my case, I’ve realized how much these moms resent my in control, strong willed, fun filled fanning children compared to their more monotone, less independent offspring. You see bedsharing with my babies has given my kids the confidence to conquer the monkey bars with eye of the tiger intensity with Dad by their side but not breathing down their neck either.

Back in the day, they used the rod to discipline their children. The bible even promotes the practice. Then, Helicopter parents came along and stripped away all possibility of self-empowerment from kids confronting their own inherent putzyness  head-on, without being paralyzingly self-conscious about it. Attachment Parenting, is the sweet spot in the middle.

Victor Borge says “laughter is the shortest distance between 2 people.” So why not make it a priority to maximize laughter around your children whenever you’re around them to be the positive lightener in their lives you were destined to be?  Controlling my kids through comedy has done wonders for my 3 kids, wonderous, fun loving temperament.  Stayed tuned for our family cooking show Double Talk with Chef Samuels and be the judge. Rampant yummy dances and double fisting await.  Last, bedsharing with my babies has brought me closer to the almighty for creating such pristine, celestial bundles of pure delight. I can’t imagine why anyone would be in a rush to return to their past cherished alone, degenerate time when such a peaceful, loving, oasis awaits.


Michael Kornbluth







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