Birth of a Stay At Home Comedian/Father of 3

Birth of a Stay At Home Comedian/Father of 3
I was a major stoner throughout my twenties and thirties. And forgot to ask my wife if she was still on the pill. I recall her saying it made her nauseous in between.

Birth of a Stay At Home Comedian/Father of 3
Cuddle, I’m pregnant. Keep your mouth shut.
Tell Snuggle it’s her decision. But then push for the abortion and don’t be a pussy about it. It was a nice concept while it lasted. 3 kids later with weed out of my system I feel my writing is more pregnant with possibility than ever before man.

Birth of a Stay At Home Comedian/Father of 3
My Dad says. Don’t have another kid. I can’t afford it. I get my wife pregnant with our 2nd child Arthur Morrison Kornbluth. Born in the true spirit of f you parental rebellion.

Birth of a Stay At Home Comedian/Father of 3
Growing up for Thanksgiving 1 year, my father instructs. Say something funny moron. That’s all you’re good for was the general underlying implied message, without actually saying the moron part. Funny, I took his advice after all.

Birth of a Stay At Home Comedian
My mom refused to accept my connection request on LinkedIn when she used to work for JP Morgan Chase. Because she didn’t want to be affiliated with my unstable job sales history. Knowing I’ve been fired more than a Palestinian Sling Shot.

Birth of a Stay At Home Comedian/Father of 3
God throws me a curve ball for getting cocky after 2 kids. Thinking, “Who needs Facebook grandparents from afar when I’ve got big beat Matilda to look after her younger brother? New baby brother Samuel Gorilla Grip Kornbluth, coming right up.

Birth of a Stay At Home Comedian/Father of 3
My entire life feels like a cold call. Since graduating Ithaca. Otherwise known as Cornell’s retarded next door neighbor. But I get more respect now than as an IT recruiter so I can’t complain.

Birth of a Stay At Home Comedian/Father of 3
After living in LA and Brooklyn you realize your 3 kids are superior company than most. So you decide to start your own Do It All Dad Year Podcast from home to grow closer to the ones you love the most. And write your comedic book masterpiece, The Stay At Home Comedian because most stand ups write shit prose and possess limited poetic powers of expression, Dice, Sandler and Bill Hicks excluded.

Birth of a Stay At Home Comedian/Father of 3
Happens when you develop a love for the art of mere comedic creation in the form of spec scripts, TV pilots, blogs, short stories, videos, jokes and poems despite being called crazy for 2 decades straight and counting.

Birth of a Stay At Home Comedian/Father of 3
You can only hear you’re not funny¬† from so many fat, balding, fellow Jews in various dead end sales jobs before you become obsessed with proving to yourself you’re more than just another schmuck in a headset.

Birth of a Stay At Home Comedian/Father of 3
Brian Brick making fun of your knock kneed running style in pre-K. When you should’ve wiped your ass with his Q-Tip head.

Birth of a Stay At Home Comedian/Father of 3
Growing a half formed beard while working as a recruiter again for the evil empire at Robert Half. And getting fired for a developing stubble, writing my pilot for Nick DiPaolo on my lunch breaks and upstaging my boss in Karaoke to prove who was the real man and a half.

Birth of a Stay At Home Comedian/Father of 3
Come out as a Trump supporter as a father of 3 after last year’s summer of terror. And become a social pariah among fake news friends and so called loving family, kids excluded, because you identify with the so called crazy, stupid, unapologetic, hilarious, American patriot President Trump represents.

Birth of a Stay At Home Comedian/Father of 3
Being sent to a fancy sleep away sports camp in CT. Only to be the 2nd worst athlete there after the Sheik’s son from Great Neck. Who chose to blow off canteen mixers with the sister camp to read Cracked Magazine Comics in bed alone instead.

Birth of a Stay At Home Comedian/Father of 3
Growing up for Thanksgiving 1 year, my father instructs. Say something funny moron. That’s all you’re good for was the general underlying implied message, without actually saying the moron part. Funny, I took his advice after all.

Birth of a Stay At Home Comedian/Father of 3
Letting your so called best friend in high school wrestling now, try out a Cowboy maneuver on you. And do no form of retaliation in return. Except fight back on stage and the page ever since with relentless, never give into fear again fury.

Birth of a Stay At Home Comedian/Father of 3
Getting accepted into an Alternative school in High School. And be blessed with a guiding star named Judy Cook. Who plants the idea of you becoming a pro funny man one day.

Birth of a Stay At Home Comedian/Father of 3
We wanted to get married on Mother’s Beach in Australia where my wife comes from originally. My mother calls. Son, Australia is a long flight from NY and your father doesn’t love you that much.

Birth of a Stay At Home Comedian/Father of 3
My Dad hasn’t called to wish me a happy birthday for 2 years in a row.
So you can’t be too perplexed at my obsession with seeking love from strangers on Twitter and WordPress through poetic prose and endless laugh yankers galore.

The End,

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s