Random Jokes from the past 2 Sundays

Random Jokes from the Past 2 Sundays

Whenever I’m out in public with my 3 kids. I hear. “You’ve got your hands full.” My reply. If I had an open marriage with Susan Sarandon. I’d have my hands full. Day and night. Night and day.
Plus, my retired mother is content being burnt out on another indoor summer in Arizona 7 years and counting.

Mind of a Stay At Home Comedian Dad flirting at the track in the age of Meto. I can’t believe I’m acting out cupping her monster melons with my enormous paws in front of me. As I pump my arms furiously around the bend.

Daughter
Do you think Uncle Jon really had a kid’s birthday party to attend?
Stay At Home Comedian Dd
It’s an elaborate excuse to blow off playing with you 3 kids at the park.
Daughter

I agree. Uncle John isn’t that smart.

Stay At Home Comedian Dad
I’ve created a comedy monster.

Key search words that I was found on LinkedIn for last week were sales, business strategist & homemaker. I better start plotting the sales plan attack for my new line of Stay At Home Comedian robes for the upcoming holiday season. To accompany my best-selling book The Stay At Comedian. Like Mel Brooks says, merchandising, merchandising.

Woody Allen hinted Ronan Farrow might not be his son. But if Frank Sinatra is Ronan’s dad. Why hasn’t Ronan Farrow knocked Woody out yet? Hit pieces in the New Yorker don’t pack the same punch wormy.

Meto solution for my gorgeous 4-year old son. Screw his Jewish naming ceremony, help him write his college essay on Tim Tebow and make him apply to only safety schools like Utah State Community College.

Another Trump accomplishment. Trump made Tiger great again. He got Tiger to loosen up again. Lindsey Vonn is overrated in the sack Don. And I would know from personal experience.

Pumping up my 40year son after making the monkey bars his bitch. Way to fill out that tang top. Mom laughs in the background. She approves of my emotive cheering. Grandpa would try to subdue my ADD. Relax son, don’t get so excited.
Mind of a Stay At Home Comedian Dad letting the age of MeTo get to him at the diner. Sons says. Can we leave now? Sure, let me just. What daddy? I was going to say grab the waitress. And I should know better after watching the Accused one 2 many times.

Int. Container Store Cashier Do you kids want to go into the containers? Stay At Home Comedian Dad You think I’m raising drug mules over here? Cashier laughs long time.

My daughter upstaging me. I don’t remember doing anything with grandma at your age Matilda. I bet you remember how awful her Green-Beans are. Thinking they’re glorious. How did you get make fun of Meg mean all of a sudden?

Explaining to the wife why she got off again and not me. I need to spend more time in Manhattan to reload on new fantasy material to mine from behind.

Wife’s response to my http://Ancestry.com results. 52% Eastern European Jewish huh. Funny, by my estimates you’re an annoying Jew 80% of the time at least.

Explaining to the wife why she got off again and not me. Your definition of rough is me just getting friskier. So I stop myself from coming on too strong from behind.

The Uppity Voicemail Judge It was decent. You’ve left longer. How many potheads from the valley are critically acclaimed Pulitzer Prize winners?

 

My daughter acting french after her requested sip of wine. I love blends.
Int. Nordstrom
Worker
Dad’s day today?
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
I’m writing a book called the stay at home comedian. I’m like Ice Cube in Suburbia except every day is less gangster paradise and Ice Storm dreary.
I work in fiance. And I don’t think Trump really understands how fiance works. How much are you worth exactly? Would you pleasure Jamie Dimon in the steam room if the price was right?
Mind of a Stay At Home Comedian at the Nordstrom with his 3 kids. Dad’s day today? She must think I’m a divorced stay at home comedian. I wouldn’t mind her booty call visitation rights on weekends only.

Most annoying wife comment in my office ever. You look tired? It’s not from you getting your body into ultra bangable shape because I’m an asshole, asshole.

Never loved a Magic Hat beer ever. Laughing Stock Double IPA felt like divine intervention. I had to try it. Blows Sierra Nevada’s Torpedo out of the water. Vermont in the house, represent, represent, represent.
Comedy Podcast Critic is following me on Twitter now. I better bring my A game or my podcast will be relegated to the zero punch musings of Dax Shepard or rambling, supposed to be deep ramblings of Bill Burr.
Trump Derangement Syndrome Peaking:
My resistor fake news hippie parents have refused to acknowledge texted pics of my kids in a fighter jet at an air show and 1 with my son holding up his homemade cut out flag on top of his putter. Cry baby, cry baby.

Wife
Stop sounding edgy.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
I’m Mr. Wonderful and the Rock of this family all wrapped up into one. I’m off the weed, booze and almost IPA’s altogether. But accusing of me as edgy will play well in court I’m sure.
Int. Michaels Arts and Crafts Baby boy cries in mom’s arms after 2 seconds.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Give him to me. Bored with mama already. Welcome to my world kid.
Int. Candy Store

17 Month old baby boy strokes a stuffed pussy cat animal on display.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Better stick to stroking pussies through VR Goggles kid forevermore.
Kayne West has more talent in his left nut hair follicle than Chris Rock has in his scrawny, one rib body. You were edgy for a year. And you can’t carry a film if your life depended on it. Kevin Hart proved that.

My phone rings. Wife being original as ever. Is that your mom? I think. At least mine doesn’t take extended holidays in England away from her 3 grandchildren and husband to annoy her sister to death. The one still alive Lord. Please don’t kill me before I get famous. Can I get an Amen? I say Amen.
Outside of Cosby slipping you a Quaalude. Nothing is more intrusive than your wife calling up to your office through the Alexa Dot Speaker from downstairs to tell you to turn off Spotify during the 1 hour she has to look after our 3 kids before you record your podcast and cook dinner.

Mind of a Stay At Home Comedian Dad in the age of Meto. Your baby has gorgeous eyes. Consensual dry humping on the sidewalk when I was 19 doesn’t count as sexual assault you know. Zipper burn on my love gun is a different story all together.
Do It All Dad Smoothie Tip: Fresh blubbery, frozen raspberry, smoothies with pineapple juice and ginger tastes 10 times better hung over the next morning. Plus, the ginger in it tastes less gay. Can I still say that?
Mom texts. Disliked “We won’t be able to visit in Fed. anymore, sorry.” My dreamy reply. Rachel Maddow isn’t sufficient enough company enough anymore? In your Arizona estate shrine to yourselves.
Mom texts. Disliked “We won’t be able to visit in Fed. anymore, sorry.” My dreamy reply. Burnt out on taking my polar bear kids for hikes in the desert mom. Offer some Peyote Buttons to make it interesting.
Mom texts. Disliked “We won’t be able to visit in Fed. anymore, sorry.” My dreamy reply. Why don’t I get back to you after Kavanaugh gets confirmed and the blue wave turns to blue balls come mid November.

Do It All Dad Smoothie Tip: Always close the lid on your Ninja blender after making fruit smoothies. Unless, the next morning you want your sink to attract flies and resemble the set of a Sally Struthers Informercial.

More edgy Barbershop material.
Barber
Your son sure likes lollipops.
Stay At Home Comedian Da
Is that that not manly enough for you Dominick I ain’t no fag Scholanti?

Ext. Drive Thru at TD Bank Heckling
7 Year Old Daughter
You have a shared bank account with mama because you don’t make any money.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
You know weren’t planned buckaroo?
Roots of my happy baby. Stem from turning our bed into a 24/7 open milk bar You’re planting seeds of self-esteem on steroids. So, stop bitching about your precious loss of alone time ladies. Pinterest this.

My impersonation of Talk Radio great Dr. Savage.

My podcast will be the most innovative. I’ll be able to develop, deeper, longer ideas about cooking, religion and rock and roll because I’m a rock star Cantor gourmand beneath my gruff, know it all veneer.
Doesn’t daddy look sexy in this shirt? I don’t know about sexy daddy. How about devilishly handsome? Fine, but dreamboat Kurt Russell you’re not. Your chosen curls don’t even come close.

Mind of a Stay at Home Comedian Dad at a wedding party. I can’t keep my hands off your baby boy. Can I dance with him all night? You’re like my surrogate substitute on the dance floor. You do realize that, right kid?
4 year Old Son Dada
You had a nanny? I want a nanny.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Do you want daddy to write the Stay At Home Comedian book from home or not?
I hate my 7 year old daughter in my wife’s geisha robe more than my wife in it because it highlights the thought of how my daughter wouldn’t break my break walking on top of my back in it.

Stay At Home Comedian offering spiritual counsel. If God created the universe. Who created God? God went back in time in a Time Machine made by Elon Musk. Real convincing Dad. Thanks for making me an atheist at 4.
The End
By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

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