Will You Convert My Son or Not Rabbi?

Will you convert my son or not Rabbi?
And have you ever held a real job? You went to Rabbinical School, got to 2nd base at sleep away camp & did a Masada teen tour of Israel to go all the way and you haven’t looked back since. Correct?

Will you convert my son or not Rabbi?
And does the 3 grand membership fee come with some free pills of Adderall to get my kids through your 3 hour services? Just curious.

Will you convert my son or not Rabbi?
Knowing I fell asleep during a Holocaust survivor talk in my Alternative School during Senior Slump? The weed I smoked back then wasn’t even that strong. But I’m off the weed for now. Can we talk?

Will you convert my son or not Rabbi?
At home we keep a Pescatarian household. You’ve heard of the Pescatarian diet right, Rabbi? Veggies, fish, plenty of cheese. You know the original super Jew Jesus diet? Don’t tense on me now Rabbi.

Will you convert my son or not Rabbi?
Will the lawyer class at your temple resent my six foot four height and larger than life comedic stature? If you meet a gentile who says I hate Jackie Mason. Do you write them off as automatically Anti-Semitic?

Will you convert my son or not Rabbi?
And do any Persian girls go to Hebrew school here to make my daughter feel less self-conscious about her sudden flowering of bushy leg hair at 7?

Will you convert my son or not Rabbi?
And have you seen the new Woody Allen film? Where some guy your age bangs some underage girl. It’s a prequel called Crimes and Misdemeanors, The Early Years.
Will you convert my son or not Rabbi?
And will my wife get even nastier stares from the skinnier wives once she takes up the treadmill again?

Will you convert my son or not Rabbi?
And if Jews believed in hell. Would it be buried in the woods in Hillary Time Cankles backyard?

Will you convert my son Rabbi or not?
We still have to draw blood. From my son’s Pecker Wood? You can’t call it a schlong till you become a man after your Bar Mitzvah. Isn’t that right Rabbi?

Will you convert my son or not Rabbi?
And what’s God’s stance on open marriages? Assuming you’re not a sneaky Jew carrying on affairs of the heart behind her back? Anybody, Mueller, Mueller.

Will you convert my son Rabbi or not?
We still have to draw blood? From his future life shooter. Got it. A licensed physician does it. The ritual has real meaning for him. Sure it puts some extra shekels in his pocket to pay off his student loans to.

Will you convert my kid or not Rabbi?
What if I told you my kid looks like a baby Trump? With the full set of hair. I could’ve have said Richie Rich but that reference is more dated than Yiddish. Right Rabbi? You’re Gen X aren’t you?

Will you convert my son or not Rabbi?
Will your congregation really accept my baby boy as a real deal Jew in his chosen blond Jesus curls? I can sell a lock of them for 5 grand a pop on Chinese EBay if I wanted to.

Will you convert my son or not Rabbi?
Assuming I pass on paying your 3 grand membership fee and 2 grand Temple maintenance costs for just entering the building. No wonder Catholics have so much leftover for donations.

Will you convert my son Rabbi or not?
We still have to draw blood. From my son’s Pecker Wood? But if it’s only a prick. He’ll still have 50 percent Gentile left. I don’t get it.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

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