Leftover Jokes This Week

Metal Pride in The House:
4 Year Old Son declares to his 7 Year Old Sister.
I’m Metal. You’re Lady Gaga.
Big Sis says. I’m Lady Gaga with Metallica. You’re the singer from Annie.

Do It All Dad Halloween Tip:
Stay inside and play dress up with your kids.
And hang up an ISIS flag outside your home to scare away other trick or treaters.

Working on Reframing
My wife isn’t emoting about my new nicknames for our kids. Jim Junior for our son Arthur Morrison Kornbluth if he’s rocking the leather. And Courtesy for Matilda after she makes 4 shots in a row. Because she lacks my nurturing touch.

Twitter can’t lock my account over this remark.
F you Trump for giving my tweet pic of 3 kids hugging flags inspired by your previous patriotic act goonish. Had a heart warming message to boot. Are you a fake news patriot like Bush hopping out of planes now.

Twitter can’t lock my account over this.
F you Trump, for giving my tweeted pic of my 3 kids hugging flags goonish. I’ve only ended 20 year friendships, formed hatred in my parents hearts & ruined any shot of ever getting a white collar interview again defending you.

F you Trump, for giving the tweet pic of my 3 kids hugging flags goonish. I’ve only ended 20 year friendships, formed hatred in my parents hearts & ruined any shot of ever getting a white collar interview again through my relentless support on your behalf. No big deal.

Int. Kitchen
Father of 3 cleaning when today is supposed to be my work day.
Wife
Are you done banging?
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
The cutting board I was cleaning slipped.
Was the aggressive clang too upsetting to bear?

Wife ruining smoke Sunday bagels.
The 1st bite of salmon was off. So I couldn’t enjoy the rest.
I feel the same way about your dad’s wedding speech and every time he’s opened his mouth since. You have a good sense of direction. We get it.

 

American Dad Note:
Never text pics of your flowering offspring hugging American Flags to unmarried buds in their early forties ever. No response is good enough. It’s too much forced passing reality to ingest in 1 take.

Husband
Dr. Savage says all the rampant feces and fleas in the streets of San Francisco can cause the next plague.
Wife
At least, you don’t listen to Rush Limbaugh.
Husband
His compound in West Palm Beach is huge. Your dad will co-sign on a loan, yay.

Working on My Reframing:
My wife assumed I was ordering her to make a hummus sandwich from scratch. After my daughter’s request to pack a picnic for their hike to the lake because of the pushy IT recruitment culture which shaped the man I am today.

Working on my Reframing:
Wife blanked on me making homemade hummus earlier this week because I’m not the only 1 with a listening problem. When she assumed I was ordering her to make a hummus sandwich from scratch for a picnic hike with the kids.

Husband
The Chinese have stolen 225 billion of intellectual property from us.
Wife
The Russians are just as bad.
Husband
Sure in like 1985 when slogans like “You Sunk My Battleship” ruled the commercial airwaves pre-fake news.
Daddy, Trump is older than Papa? Wow, papa looks awful compared to him. Having good hair helps. The root of papa’s hate for me is me making him bald prematurely. I’m sure of it.

Funny to think of Hillary as a former 1st lady anymore. I thought ladies could handle their wine and not require spill handlers. I bet Reese Witherspoon can balance Pride & Prejudice on her head after a bottle of white burgundy.

My 7 year old daughter talking down to her elitist grandmother like an unsophisticated deplorable. Strawberry Ice Cream is a baby ice cream flavor me-me.

Daddy, I’m bored with Rock and Roll. Eddie Van Halen does sound repetitive on a 12 minute version of Eruption. I agree.

Notes from new school lunch column Crazy, Good Daddy
I get up from our favorite table to get my small milk from the cafeteria. And Sharon complains again. You’re always disappearing on me. She sounds like Mama in 30 years flat.

Notes from new school lunch column Crazy, Good Daddy

Daddy, nobody likes raisins at school. And I mean nobody. Fine, I won’t give your classmates Barley Wine for Halloween.

Defending Masturbation
Blowing off your 3 grandchildren 355 days a year for more Whoopie on the View and Stormy Daniels money shot reveals on CNN and ABC is morally damaging.

Defending Masturbation
I’m supposed to believe Harvard Law benefits society more than my splendid iso jerks? The law students at Harvard Law banned Kavanaugh from teaching law there because he was deemed too aggressively prep schoolish.
The best thing about #Meto is that I can’t be accused of trying to force myself against my wife these days because I pass out after 2 minutes from being in her presence again. Regardless if high octane IPA’s are in my system or not.

Daddy, Shannon says. “The problem with being vegetarian, is you don’t get enough protein.”  Challenge Shannon to an arm wrestle in the cafeteria. You’ll break her argument in 2. Sounds too over the top Dada.

Trump’s the Anti Christ. But Jesus returns to defeat the Anti Christ. So have some faith in the Jesus comeback story people. Actually, had to Google Anti-Christ. Thinking, Pig Vomit calls Howard it. So it can’t be that bad.

Int. Pizzeria
Trump is a bad guy bro! If you don’t agree. We can’t talk no more. Ivanka Trump is going to President in 2024. But don’t stop resisting. But Ivanka’s some Fallen Angel hell bent on getting back at daddy.

Daddy, would Trump hug this flag? Thank you for capturing the essence of who our President is at his core in the most innocent hued, patriotic laced inquiry ever, USA, USA!

Daddy, did you know Shannon never sees her parents? Her grandparents look after Shannon and her brothers all the time. Shannon barely utters a peep. Her grandparents must be borderline catatonic.
The Howard Stern Private Parts flick loses its white washed moral heft decades later knowing Howard dumped Alison in the end for you know who. Also, Dice ages a tad better than Howard because he isn’t nearly as grandstanding moralizing.

Jay Mohr doesn’t project the same amount of gravitas I recall in Jerry Maguire anymore. And Tom Cruise’s chompers are enormous. Last, fuck Orlando Bloom for ruining Cameron’s Crowe’s killer hot streak.

Daddy, why doesn’t mommy ever got to Church? She’s still Christian right? She worships mother nature instead and the Whole Foods Quinona salad bar offerings a tad more. It’s a scared mother grain of the Incas for a reason.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

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