American Dad Halloween Dare Scare

Wife says. You have to shave your beard for the part American Dad. I say. And you have to get back in bangable shape again Francine. You can’t have Haley showcase less body fat than you do.

Wife says. You have to shave your beard then to look like Stand Smith Do It All Dad. Who cares? Letterman ruined beards already. Indiana’s answer to Lenny Bruce, corny hick please.

Wife says. You have to shave your beard then. My reply. I could wear a Fake News CIA badge and tell people I’m John Brennan out on an extended holiday.

Wife says. If our family costume is American Dad. Then, the beard has to go. Stay At Comedian Dad replies. And miss out on barbers asking me whether I’m babysitting again as our 3rd kid sucks on a lolly. Because God won’t let me get a beard trim without trying to make the she male stamp stick.

 

Wife says. You have to shave your beard to make a credible Stand Smith American Dad. My dreamy reply. So you get jealous at watching all 3 of our kids feel up my beard for old times sake. Matilda is planning a funeral for it as we speak. The 2nd part happened actually.

I have to shave my beard. You mean the living reminder of my deplorable pariah status since getting fired from Robert Half for my half grown stubble at the time. Good riddance.

Wife insists. The beard must go.  And you have to become animated pin up hot against the kitchen counter top Francine. You’d have to make this Pescatarian comedian dad vegan cheese steak egg rolls for the Super Bowl also.
I’ll shave the beard tonight. I can spray our 3 kids down with shaving scream within the privacy our own home. Resist this Child Services. Baby Samuel doesn’t even know what shaving cream looks like yet.

I’m still waiting for you to shave your beard. Mr. Mom, Stay At Home Comedian, whatever your new Twitter profile says to make you feel better for being my dependent for 3 years and counting.

Is the beard staying or not?  For once, I can pass a drug the test for the CIA. Quest Diagnostics this. Good Morning, Noxzema USA.

American Dad Halloween Dare Scare Aftermath
Before I shave my beard once and for all. I spray down my daughter and 2 sons with shaving cream and get my 4 year old in the eye by mistake. Then, I spray down my 7 year old daughter all over her bod. It felt gloriously inappropriate, spontaneous and magical all at once. Wife flipped out. It was a night for the ages, USA, USA.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

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