Note to Knicks fan left. Resist the urge to read Sports Illustrated at the Doctors office this month. We boast less talent around us than Charlie Sheen at an AVN after hours mixer these days.
Mom texts. We enjoyed talking to the kids so much last Sunday. Can we make it a tradition? I text back. Tell Eric Holder to dial back the fast and furious Lynch Mob rhetoric. Or acknowledge 1 pic of your grandchildren hugging flags without feeling so triggered to ANTIFA bomb our relationship into the ground and will talk.
Child Services Button Pick up medication for my baby boy at CVS. Ask the Pharmacist. If I forgot either the date or year on my son’s birthday, are you obligated by law to press a Child Services Button immediately? Unfit stoner honkkk!
Mismatching Baby Shoes on purpose. At least, he’s wearing shoes on the right foot. This makes you the Baby Shoe Guardian Angel? I knew choosing to keep the mismatched pair on after I found the missing 1 would pay off in the end fatty.
Bloomberg could’ve run against Trump the way Bernie did. So much for 2017 being the year for Atheist Jews.
Do It All Dad Class President Advice
When your opponent goes low, just call them “fake news tough.” You’ll be a black in belt in Kung Fu by then. If they try to prove you wrong, you can get Kumite on their ass real fast.
Unlikely post on LinkedIn. I think God Gives Kids to Only the Lonely is obviously funnier and far less depressing than God Gives Kids to the Lonely. Agreed fake news funny commentators?
My hilarious son entering my office. Give me a pen. And I’m keeping it with me. Even after I’m dead.