Jokes You Won’t Hear on Kimmel

Int. Bar
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
I’ll have another Oktoberfest.
Because I’m an elitist seasonal beer drinker.

Nurse wife comes home in the morning after working all night. She’s done giving baby boob and asks. Can I go to bed now?

I reply.  Are we living under Sharia Law now?  Yes, you’re allowed to sleep now. But only after I titty fuck you with this bomb strapped to your chest.

Int. Pre-K
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Arthur won’t be in school tomorrow. I convinced his mother to take all 3 kids to Delaware for a long weekend. So I can get my book proposal out already. And not be a bitchy, dependent, underling the rest of my life.

Pre-K teacher laughs long time.

Resist this Eric Holder.
Jim Brown has been working at reforming LA gang members before Easy E kind of hit puberty.

Michelle Obama is class personified no doubt. As the ex 1st lady has she ever gone on record stating her 2 girls are composed, bright, celestial beams of light because she held them to higher social standards than ANTIFA? Just curious.

Int. Tavern
Older Woman
Your son is gorgeous. Your wife must be fetching in her own right.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
But her arm fat. Which my other 5 year old son points out at the dinner table. Weighs heavily on her overall bangability index score these days. If you really need to know.

Brutal day for resistors.
Kid Rock and Kayne have more talent, courage, humor, style and originality than all the Seth lame Meyer critic clones combined. If you’re still not afraid of Trump. You’re not into your mother as much as Seth Myers.

Brutal day for Jay Z fans for thinking he’s the well meaning good one.
Kayne at the White House today is discussing gang violence prevention and prison reform, not big J. Kayne’s got 99 mental problems, huh? But genuine independent thought from SNL isn’t 1.

Int. White House
Give my love to Kim.
Lorne Michaels is still kvetching to Paul Simon over wheat grass shots as we speak.

Int. Oval Office
Give my love to Hank Williams Jr. Kid.
Kid Rock
You know Sarah Palin let me grab her for an autograph on my record Rock and Roll Jesus. But I gave Mike Pence 1st dibs.

The End


Michael Kornbluth




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