Sexualizing My Kids Toys Again

Hey, Arthur. Do you think your girlfriend Mia snuggles up at night to her stuffed Uni she calls Arthur Corn? Does the thought of Mia snuggling you close light you up inside?

Forget boys when you get older Matilda. All you need is the naughty duckie waterproof massager. I remember mommy saying it’s your spirit animal actually.

Matilda, I love the Barbie display. Assuming they’re not in the middle of a casting call for Vivid Entertainment. Can we ease up on the massive spread eagle spreadage on the couch? Thanks.

Spidy Bear looks a tad Care Bear gimpy, don’t you think so Arthur?

I make out with my daughter’s stuffed Pineapple. You’re so scrumptious Pineapple Pretty. Daughter grabs Pineapple pretty from me. I know you’re a repressed father of 3 dada. But give it a rest already.

Stare down my daughter’s Pineapple stuffed animal Pineapple Pretty again. And say. I want to kiss you so bad Pineapple Pretty. 7 year old daughter says. Mama doesn’t stroke you enough does she? But act more repressed Dada. You’re so not into mama anymore.

Post bubble. I blurt. Hey Matilda. Can you grab your Cloudy pillow protector to cover up Enchilada? So the Chinese Underworld has less to see.

Be more gentle with Avocado Fuzz Face Samuel because bruised ones Avocados suck. Feel up Fuzz Face in a more a gentle manner to assess her optimal ripeness to devour instead.

Magenta is a flamboyant looking horse Matilda. I don’t see Will Rogers spinning any yarns about riding her around Christopher Street in Greenwich Village on top of some float back in the day.

Aqua Mermi has held up well after plenty of wear and tear. Neil Young felt the same way when he proposed to Daryl Hannah. He’s going through a late post mid life never banged a mermaid crisis.

Call my kids in Delaware for last minute stuffed animal ideas to get 1 last punchline out of. 4 year old son asks. Are you funnier than Weird Al yet dada? Working at it kid because I’m a dreamer. And I know I’m not the only 1.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

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