Jokes I Won’t Do in Manhattan Tonight

It’s time to lay off the Amazon Cloud. When your 4 year old son threatens to stab you in the heart 1st thing in the morning because you deny him instant gratification from his Futurama TV.

Astrology Off
Matilda, you got Einstein, George Washington. Arthur has Dr. King, Ben Franklin. Dammit Arthur is beating me already. Baby Samuel has Alice Cooper, Lincoln. I don’t like this game anymore daddy. Pisces are very competitive.

Int. Whole Foods
Barista
Is your baby always so chill?
Stay at Home Comedian Dad
He isn’t with her. Plus, his mommy isn’t an American Pyscho.
She’s originally from Australia. So that helps.

My 7 Year Old Daughter’s glimmers of Atheism.
Your baby brother’s new nickname is number 1 Capricorn. Plus, he stems from the 1st man on earth Adam. Daughter interjects. We all come from Apes Dada. Stop acting so evolved already Female Flash.

He’s So Happy Retort
My baby is already familiar with Bob Marley’s earlier work during his prime crooning pre-Concrete Jungle, chase those Crazy Baldheads out of town phase.

Unlikely post on LinkedIn.
I think God Gives Kids to Only The Lonely is obviously funnier and far less depressing than God Gives Kids to the Lonely. Agreed fake news funny commentators?

Int. Whole Foods
Stay At Home Comedian
Dad
Nice pin, All Good. I’m assuming Jeff Bezos gave you his pin number for his JP Morgan account. Assuming, you emote online about the muffled shrieks of despair on The Hand Maid’s Tale.

The baby is so happy. Old men hate him for it because my precious offspring highlights how loud and annoying their kids were growing up. Knowing their wives failed at making their kids any chiller on even a part time basis.

Daddy propping up Columbus.
Daddy, Columbus gave the Indians diseases. Pretty sure Charlie Sheen planted his seeds of destruction and gave his fair share away at the last AVN convention in Mohegan Sun. Nobody’s taken down Major League off Cinemax yet.

Michael Savage interviewing Ziggy Marley.
Studies prove excessive weed use lowers your sperm count.
Ziggy replies. My father had 12 kids. Fake news man.

Michelle Obama is class personified no doubt. As the ex 1st lady has she ever gone on record stating her 2 girls are composed, bright, celestial beams of light because she held them to higher social standards than ANTIFA? Just curious.

Bloomberg could’ve run against Trump the way Bernie did. So much for 2017 being the year for Atheist Jews.

Int. Pre-K
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
I got Arthur’s mom to take all 3 kids to Delaware for a long weekend. So I can get my book proposal out already. And not be a bitchy, dependent, underling the rest of my life.

Int. Tavern
Older Woman
Your son is gorgeous. Your wife must be fetching in her own right.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
But her arm fat. Which my other 5 year old son points out at the dinner table. Weighs heavily on her overall bangability index score.

Michael Savage on Kayne
I’m sick to my stomach. This low life rapper debased the same desk I sat across from the President. Great work Savage. You’ve straddled the Imus, nappy headed you know what line out of pure ego driven jealously alone.

Memo to Dr. Savage
Your huffy, gruff, old man get off my oval office assessment of Kayne West makes me want to smoke weed again so I never end up sounding like you. Once, I’m done reading your book Stop Mass Hysteria. You’re so off the list.

Robert E Lee quote: “Slavery as an institution is a moral and political evil in any country.” But have fun with your pretend race war twitter twats. Last time I checked, Trump beat Hillary not Obama. Obama just introduced her at Jay Z rallies.

Me being an intentional dick to my wife.
Oh, baby Arthur said Baba to grandma.
That’s pretty miraculous because he’s only seen her 6 times so far max, correct?
Sorry, she’s done goonish to help me out.

Is any defeat of Penn State really a surprise now? Karma is in constant prevent feel good mode for Penn State football fans left, sorry.

Astrology Off Part Part 2
Matilda, you got Einstein, George Washington. Arthur has Dr. King, Ben Franklin. Baby Samuel has Alice Cooper, Lincoln. Dada’s got Van Gogh, Eddie Murphy. Daughter kicks me as my son throws change at my face.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

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