Coming To Terms With My Ex-Social Life Pre- 3 Kids

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre-3 kids.

West Hollywood was fun. Mika couldn’t speak a paragraph full of English. She took me out to Sushi Roku for my birthday at 22. I should’ve broken up with you like a man. Sorry special.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life with pre-3 kids.

1st, I got serious with my girlfriend now wife Natalia because I knew deep down how much my friends from high school sucked compared to her. You kill at the Comedy Cellar and get. They were laughing at you.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life before 3 kids.

Now I don’t have to waste my Angel Hair in White Clam Sauce with Pepperoncini’s on a baby-faced southern gal. Only for her to ask if she could bring home leftovers for desert.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre-kids.

Living in Hermosa Beach, you had to lunge at new puss fast because last call was at 12:30. Which sucks for a native New Yorker. My yak pipes were just getting warmed up.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre-3 kids.

I had to endure my friend JT’s tasteless, Nazi jokes. But he was half my size. And I knew he was a jealous gentile because of my chosen curls and Vince Vaughn aura. He did call me a social genius though. Miss you pal.

Coming to terms with ex-social pre-3 kids.

My old roommate Dan was right. I did puff the ganja in excess for my lack of buds nearby. Jacob, my dealer was the best. Always made him laugh. And I wasn’t very funny back then either. Totally blanking on how I met him.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre kids.

I’m so lucky. Erica pushed me to write, create and stretch my imagination. Bought us tickets for a taping of Friends for my birthday. Pointed out a writer talking to Ross between takes. Saying you can be him. Thank you.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre-3 kids.

I loved living with my roommate Jay in Sherman Oaks for the most part. He really cared for me. Went tripping on Mushrooms when I got fired from my 1st and only bartender job I had in a fancy 4 star French Restaurant in West Hollywood on La Brea after months of searching.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre 3 kids.

Lizzette was statuesque and pretty. Looked like a Latino Terri Hatcher. Paid her way through law school. Loved my poetry. Made her cry when I graded her blow job once. Sorry babe. You were perfect.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre-kids.

Melissa had great boobs. Was a cool Indiana gal. Worked on the Fox lot. Friends were awful. When I sold wine. I sampled desert ice wine on her innards. Never loved her though. Sorry pretty.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre-3 kids.

I did sing Karaoke every Friday with roommate Jay. I met Leslie from the valley. She sold porno DVD’s for a living. Which is Paul Thomas Anderson material. I’ve done goonish with. She was really good to me.

Coming to terms with my ex -social life pre- 3 kids.

My roommate fat shamed a Mexican girl who really loved me. Heart still breaks for her. So sorry gorgeous. Worked as a film editor for MGM. Asked me to choke her. So I banged in a her turtleneck.

Coming to terms with my  ex-social life pre-3 kids.

I did get sing Karaoke every Friday with my boy from LA Jay Master Jay. And feel excessively white after he killed to Eminem before Slim Shady became a Trump triggered bitch boy like the rest.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre-3 kids.

I auditioned for the reality show Blind Date in the same room as Disco Dan. Got on the show to. All I got from it was a free meal and herpes.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre- 3 kids.

It was hard to top my summer wind Summer Lam, yummy. So sweet. Her plan for us? Move to Santa Barbra. She’d day trade and I’d write books. I fucked that 1 up. Love you forever perfect.

Coming to terms with ex-social life pre-3 kids.

I’d do shotguns of weed with Summer in my Hermosa Beach pad. She didn’t even like weed despite going to the same school as Obama in Hawaii. Some baller, a bench player at an all Asian private school in Hawaii.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre-3 kids.

Erica’s dad in Westwood, had a keg of Sierra Nevada Pale on tap constantly. Fuck, now I have to be happy with my father in law’s leftover brown ale from Maine 2 and half years ago.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre-3 kids.

Leslie had issues. Still she did look like a shorter Loraine Bracco to me. And her dad’s house in Malibu was sick. Doesn’t make up for her terrorizing me at work, almost getting arrested and the restraining order.

Coming to terms with ex-social pre-3 kids.

My 1st year of doing open mikes in LA was humbling. I fumble an opener joke about Ron Artest. My saver and only laugh. I love black guys because they don’t discriminate against the p word. Of course, I said the actual p word.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre-3 kids.

It wasn’t so great to begin with. Especially knowing I had to slam J&B scotch on the rocks around my High School friends. To fill the entertainment void left by their lackluster, blah brained company.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

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