New Jokes instead of my New Parenting Book Chapter

My impersonation of Megan Kelly’s apology.

I thought Dead Presidents was an underrated Hughes Brothers flick. And black Shawn was super cute funny in Rescue Me. 450 years after his haunting thug life portrayal in Menace.

Also, Megyn Kelly wearing black face on the Today Show is like Whoopie wearing all white after labor day on the View.

Stand Up Dad Philosopher
Helicopter parents fucked up their kids. Raising the rod didn’t turn out so well for Michael Jackson. My parenting philosophy, controlling your kids with comedy is the sweet spot in the middle. Trump’s kids never passed out at Lollapalooza.

Dad, Jesus, the original super Jew, rocked the Pescatarian diet. And now I do to. My Jewish dad from the Bronx shrieks. Hammer another stent in me while you’re at it son.

Int. Stop and Shop
Cashier
What type of onion is this? We have so many.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Just a yellow onion. No matter what onion you cut with your eyes on it. You’ll end up crying like Seth Myers on election night.

What’s this I hear about a suspicious package near Hillary’s House? Did Bill sport wood after Hillary Hammer Time Cankles slipped into something more comfortable like her triple X Spanx gift before Christmas?

Why hasn’t Jimmy Carter gotten a bomb scare yet on his home on the range? Or John Kerry on his Kite Surfing Rental Island in Bora, Bora? Does Woodrow Wilson have a monument we don’t know about?

Dinero got a suspicious package now? Like what, a screenplay by Martin Scorsese Leo passed on for a change?

Is it hate speech to call the MAGA Bomber an overrated prop comedian? Carlos Mencia wouldn’t steal shit from this guy. Is all I’m saying.

So the dude who got 90 Mill from Google who created the Android was found guilty of “coercing” his mistress into giving him fellatio against her will because he ate a pork bowl minus the diced pineapple? I’m not having ownership issues with my Android yet.

In the last 2 years 48 people have been terminated at Google for sexual harassment. Are Google Headhunters only targeting graphic designers from FSU now over Spring Break? I don’t get it.

Dad texts. I expected you to call us on Sunday per our conversation. My reply. Natalia was working all weekend. And I was busy with deplorable babysitter detail. It made me laugh.

Memo to low emotional IQ NY Times participating novelists.

Your dream ending to the Mueller investigation is Trump getting iced by the Secret Service? Despite Trump having his own private security. What hack writer retreat from Vermont did you crawl out from under?

Your dream ending to the Mueller investigation is Trump getting iced by the Secret Service? Did you come up with that all by yourself? Or is Ken Follet your new dream whisperer?

Int. Bar
Gene
What do you think of most comedians?
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Most of them are fat losers. Possessing 0.0 gravitas on the stage and off.

Gene laughs long time.

Do It All Dad Advice
Daddy, I don’t know how to open the pineapple juice can. Ask Ryan to do it at lunch like this. Hey, Ryan I got something for you to open for me. That came out all wrong. Figure it yourself.

My 7 year old daughter taunting me on the basketball court.
You have 0.0 lift on your jump shot Dada. I think your spirit animal is a cursed unicorn with white man’s disease.

My daughters rehash of her school’s playground announcement during recess. Blah, Blah, it’s very dangerous. Blah, blah, it’s very dangerous. And we only had 10 minutes left to put ourselves in harms way.

Where do Guidance Counselors get the balls calling themselves Guidance Counselors? Because when they look in the mirror every morning. I’m sure they see a Shaman in white man starched clothing.

Chelsea Clinton told the Westchester County News. That she’d consider running for office 1 day if a spot opened up. There are a lot of problems dug in that desert, I mean woods, woods.

Do It All Dad Gripe:
Pre-K teacher says. You can’t pack nuts for Arthur. 1 of his classmates has a nut allergy. I say. Look, Mrs. Russo, I’m not nuts over Vegans either. But feeding my kid Cool Ranch Doritos isn’t doing my son any favors either.

Me flirting with a heavy set Italian bartender who I’m trying to get myself up for banging in my mind. She says I love the Zucchini sticks. They’re homemade. I say. If I make them, my kitchen counter will look like the makeup room at John Water’s house.

I still don’t believe Caitlyn Jenner was asexual when married to Kris Jenner. Although, I’m sure it was easier to stay aroused longer after she cut her short to look more like a dolled up Ralph Machio.

New Family Tradition
Telling my mom she’s isn’t welcome to celebrate Hanukkah with my family this year when she’s in town visiting. And blaming Roger Waters and the Fake News Media for of course helping build the wall.

Baby boy is taking a legendary nap now. Hey, Arthur, why did you have daddy turn down Green Day when Mrs. Russo picked you from the car for Pre-K? You’re loud enough as it is Dada. My nickname for you is always loud, remember?

Padma Lakshi acting like an authority on comedy. Is like Tom Colichio acting like an authority on comedy. Or Heidi Klum’s bodyguard boyfriend. Whose stiffer than Kevin Costner in the Untouchables.

Apparently, Padma Lakshi knows a gazillion other comics funnier than Louie CK off the top of her head. No love for Larry David after he hooked up her ex with a cameo on Curb? Which made Rushdie a tad personable for a change.

I wonder if Manhattan Lawyer wives ever bust their husbands balls saying. You’re such a no name loser. Why isn’t anyone ever defending your honor on Twitter?

Being married to Chrissy Telgen must be more annoying than being married to Ed Burns. You’re a writer, director of Irish American descent. Who never wrote a part for Collin Quinn out of fear of being upstaged. We get it.

Also, Megyn Kelly wearing black face on the Today Show is like Whoopie wearing all white after labor day on the View.

Int. Bar
Gene
How do you make a living?
Stay At Home Comedian
My wife works as a nurse.
Gene laughs.

Gene
I hope you appreciate her supporting your dream.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
But she isn’t making her Black Range Rover dream come true Gene.
I am.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s