Cascading Jokes On My Day of Rest

Vegetarians and Pescatarians don’t get enough protein counter punches for my kids to strike back with. Omnivores like yourself are more likely to get cancer. Increased hypertension knowing how much your parents mishandled your health isn’t helping you either.

In the brewery bathroom with 2 of my 3 kids. My 1st born is taking a number 2. Outside I hear. Who locks a public bathroom door? I reply. I got 2 kids in here. Take your Michael Jackson appreciation party someplace else

My daughter’s hilarious Mermaid deformity theory.
Mermaids are deformed and not fully developed women from head to toe because they ate too much seafood when they were pregnant. F you Louie CK. You wish your daughter was this hilarious. You to Rock.

Int. Used Book Shop
4 Year Old Son
Daddy, can you grab that book for me?
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
For Mr. Fantastic it wouldn’t be a stretch.
The puns just keeping pouring out of me today kiddo.

Texting funny to my friend.
Very proud of your sobriety bud. Natalia is taking the kids to the Bronx Zoo soon. I’ll be free to talk after I jerk off to mounting Pam Grier in Zebra print lingerie as an oversexed Zoologist.

What else are you banned from Daddy?
Besides the salon for my Hillary jokes. I got banned from the Comedy Cellar for going long because I was off to a strong start for once and invited my own caravan to attend.

I’m not 100% gay. I just never wanted to want to bang my wife too much. 3 kids later or not. What are my options now? Bang a German hooker the 1 time I had my wife agree to before we got married? Wear 5 condoms to extend my time in my occupied territory indefinitely?

INT. Coffee Shop
Older Woman
Your baby is the Gerber Baby come to life.
Stay At Home Comedian
Thank God I didn’t knock up Kathy Griffin instead.
Lately she looks like Clifford and Trans Chucky had a baby.

Int. Record Shop
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Simply Red. Just the shot of testosterone I was looking for.
You don’t find that funny, UB40? At least the owner did to confirm my raging inferno inside.

Give my baby boy a pretend jump back breaker in the elevator. Wife freaks out in disgust despite my baby boy’s shrieks of pure, flowing joy. You’re going to make the elevator jam. Wife shrieks knowing her precious boy is never this loosey goosey in her arms.

INT. Brewery
Fish and Chips arrive as 1 plop of fried fish and fries on my plate.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
My fried fish looks like a Knish.
Waiter laughs.
Now, my Limey Aussie wife is going to tell me I’m being too difficult.

INT. Bagel Store
Old Recruiter Bud
I got into sales leadership.
Now, I mange a sales team for a literacy technology company.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Kids use your platform to start off reading USA today in class instead of Sheraton Inn lobbies.

I hate Pizza tossers who tense around my beautiful offspring in their mediocre NY pizzerias. Your vodka sauce looks like brownish shit. Your marinara sauce is serviceable at best. And your Pinocchio nose looks like it got caught in a wood chipper Luigi.

Loved Joan Rivers on Fashion Police. Her story about Lenny Bruce saying they’re wrong, keeping her going after bombing for 2 weeks in a row was very inspiring for me. Still, her greatest hits on Spotify make Rodney feel the like classier, smarter, funnier act, sorry.
Madison Avenue is dead.
Some moron erects a billboard with KP and Durant saying “Make The Knicks Great Again.” Are you kidding me? Durant hates pushy, Jewy NY reporters more than 25 pound Kettle bell curls. Use your head morons.

Got the No Respect Rodney record on Vinyl today. Rodney was 43 when it came out. Which explains why my 3 kids to his 2 at 42 for me has produced such pressure packed gemry. Knowing I never had a lucrative paint sales career to fall back on in the 1st place.

By,

Michael Korbluth

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