Opening sentence to my new chapter entry about getting a Vasectomy called Pulling the Plug On My Life Shooter.
Is men’s productive rights, fake news doc? Does Planned Parenthood offer kickbacks for referrals?
Or I can go with this one.
Is a Vasectomy really permanent doc? Or do you struggle untying triple knots without using your teeth?
Me explaining to my future , older son how pulling out is no sure way to prevent absolute damage from your life sprayer. After explaining to him how his big sister and baby brother weren’t planned at all.
Dad couldn’t pull of a convincing pump fake if his life depended on it.
Plus, I was never touched much as a kid. So daddy became a more excitable boy than most. I couldn’t even make it to 1 Mississippi.
Vasectomy Chapter Title Ideas for my fatherhood success parenting book the Stay At Home Comedian. Controlling my Kids with comedy.
Pulling the Plug on My Life Shooter
Sperm Implanter or Sperm Terminator?
You’re so off the Corporate America grid. When you’re found most under the search term homemaker on LinkedIn. My podcast episode Raising my Kids on Speed was a total giveaway, Artificial Intelligence or not. January Jones is so much hotter than me right now.
Whose conducting Homemaker searches on LinkedIn? Are Jacuzzi Sales Reps using it for desperate housewives to plug? Her schedule is wide open for me. I can squeeze in a quickie after servicing her neighbor in my territory on Friday.
But seriously, whose searching for homemakers on LinkedIn? The VP of growth for the Savage Nation? You know for southern housewives who like to picture Savage with Sean Hannity’s shoulders and Trump’s hair.
Chapter Title Options for my Do It All Dad Imaginary Interview with Andrew Dice Clay.
John Lennon, I fucked him, oh.
Mr. Mom I Fucked him oh.
Potty Train Mouth This
Pay Uncle Rodney Some Respect
Once Upon An Asshole
I like the Hodge Twins. Calling white girls trophies is funny. Too bad they’re aren’t funnier than Mike Epps, even D. L Hughley for that matter. Their tour date announcements are thumping though.
Hear My Bus Coming Column
Did you love my penne vodka with blanched, green goddess essence Broccoli? I give it a 9 dada. You do realize Pizza and Brew uses prosciutto bits for their penne vodka? For more flavoring in their favor.
My Non-Conformist Daughter
Mommy, I don’t want to wear a Halloween outfit for school because I’m dressing up as Haley for Halloween for the American Dad family motif we’re doing, remember? Plus, I’m going to hit the next person who asks me what a hippie is.
Counter attack lines for my 7 year old daughter to use on a boy in her class who questions her lack of protein intake. I’ve got a 4 pack Ryan. You’ve got a zero pack. Did your daddy, nickname you Deltoids Dawn? I didn’t think so.
More counter attack lines for my 7 year old daughter to use on a boy in her class who questions her lack of protein intake. I have zero body mass fat Ryan. Do you even have a core Ryan? Because I just punctured a hole through your argument.
Only humans have children on purpose.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad/Father of 3
So much for fatherhood making me less of an animalistic prick. You’d think after we banged out 2 accidental miracle babies. I’d ease up on pulverizing Blondie a bit.
Me starting shit with my wife. If you do a Vasectomy search on Google. What website shows up 1st, Web MD or Planned Parenthood? Wife says. Planned Parenthood. I say. They don’t have enough monopolized power over your Fallopian Tubes already?