I read a lot of Airport Reviews. So my career as a stay at home comedian dad feels on the up and up. Gotta dream about future book signings baby.
Alexa, play You Lost that Loving Feeling. Wife says. Are you trying to say something? Talk to your thighs, not me babe.
Do It All Dad sanity preservation tip:
Never ever, ever, buy Goldfish for your kids.
They get everywhere like Cheerios and you’ll resent your kids existence for picking up after such eighties has been, never great to begin with snacks.
I’ll say it for President Trump. Joni Mitchell is overrated. She sounds like a folk singer parody in a Christopher Guest film. Who teaches Californian yodeling at Santa Monica Community College.
Joni Mitchell’s crackling, high pitched falsetto voice doesn’t age well on the nerves. Sounds more like California screeching.
Good Morning Alexa. How did that blue wave materialize? You’re not smart enough to play Wipe Out are you? You know because Mike Love of the Beach Boys actually praised President Trump for trying to help save the greatest voice of all.
Bill Deblasio let 900 NYC prisoners vote in the #Midterms2018. But President Trump is in favor of prison reform and lowering jail sentences for 1st time drug offenses. So I’m not as offended as I should be in this instance Big Bird.
Acosta should sue the president. No, he’s a pip squeak load that should’ve been swallowed.
If Jim Acosta was a comedian, he’d be banned from the Comedy Cellar also.
Due to his resistance to relinquish the microphone after getting the cue to wrap up his set on having to wear sunglasses in airports because he’s always on there.
Amy Schumer’s pregnant. Sarah Silverman is crying herself to sleep into her hoodie. Lena Dunham’s losing.
Jon Stewart getting heckled at vet benefit.
So glad you made it. I thought you’d be at the border.
ISIS vent viral under Obama. And now he’s a crack head.
You really know how to pick um Hebrew National.
Tucker Carlson’s racist rhetoric has created a frenzy against migrants. Whatever Blondie. Call me when you return to reality. Where Maxine Waters calls for violence against real loving Americans. Are ANTIFA groupies even a thing? Gross.
San Francisco didn’t wait for a DACA ruling of any kind since they declared themselves a sanctuary city once the term went viral, correct? But protecting rapists & murders, US citizens or not is mentally sound urban planning at its finest.
You can’t call march of the illegals, demanding entry into America after being offered asylum & jobs in Mexico an invasion if they’re only a 100 miles away. Sure, if they start backpedaling to Honduras like Apollo on the beach in Rocky 3.
I’m going to make a poster of acting AG Matthew Whittaker for my kids room. He looks like King Kong Bundy’s abandoned son with a colossal chip on his shoulder.
My 7 year old daughter’s brain on fire.
Daddy, when I get older, I’m opening up an obstacle school for grownups. With Monkey Bars, an acre high, floods, flips off cliffs, you name it.
My 7 Year old daughter preparing games for mama’s birthday.
Daddy, I made Tic Tac Toe with bigger squares, pin the tail on the unicorn. You can do some jokes about how annoying wives are Daddy. Without singling out mama specifically.
I read this book already daddy
It bored me to death, murderer.
Lock her up. Lock her up.
Daddy laughs long time.