My Wife Sucks At Life or Death Reminders

This Is Us
3 kids in our bed on top of mama. I knock them off with a gentle forearm nudge. I start dry humping mama and say. Who wants a baby sister? Watch and learn. The pill makes me nauseous. Waite a minute, are you on the pill again? The End.

INT. ANTIQUE STORE
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Samantha Fox on the cover of Penthouse , 10 bucks, sold. And this headline. AIDS: And now for the good news. What, the monkey from Cannon Ball is clean as a whistle according to Burt Reynolds?

Friend generation advice for my 4 year old son.
Every girl will want a piece of you. But you only have 1 tripod. So spread the love and send some ricocheted lovin in their direction And you’ll have blood fisted brothers for life boy!

John Cryer as Lex Luthor is gayer than Kevin Spacey lunging at Othello in tights.

Podcast Refresh Idea:
I interview dead do it all dad comedians and funny man writers on the Do It All Dead Year Podcast. And claim to possess supernatural medium powers to do so. Declare myself the The King of Dead Clown Interviews.

My parents defense against not calling about the winter storm.
He hasn’t asked us about how we feel about the Arizona recount in our favor. Despite whatever sketchy, nefarious means were taken to enact the swing vote into reality.

Brokering a 2 state solution in Israel is complex. No it isn’t. Try electing a Palestinian Minister of Education. Whose idea of a “united curriculum” isn’t poems glorifying killing more Jews in the name of you know who. As an act of good faith for starters.

INT. ANTIQUE STORE
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Jessica Hahn on the cover of Penthouse, sold.
You can look up a porn star’s credits on IMDB. My ex-roommate did after we met 1 in N. Hollywood. Only a Jew from the valley would know this feature exists.

Brokering a 2 state solution in Israel is complex. Sure, if you claim full ownership of land recaptured & won by Israel since 1967 and sent your children to die as so called Martyrs killing innocent Jews because they’re the real demons in this equation.

Do It All Dad Tip:
Never let your 4 year old son crack eggs for you. Despite stressing how it’s all in the wrist like Kareem’s infamous sky hook. Or you’ll ruin eggs forever by tasting bits of chipped tooth conjuring shells.

INT. PIZZERIA
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Kids, Penne is like Anorexic Rigatoni.
An Anorexic is someone who starves themselves to look skinny.
Bulimics puke up what they eat. They’re basically greedier Anorexics.

INT. HOME
Wife
We have our toothbrushes numbered.
Arthur
I’m number 4.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
And I’m number 1 because all 3 of you stem from daddy’s tree truck.

Wife’s nurse friend laughs long time.

 

If I had a do over. I’d have 3 kids. Then, move to Hollywood without them for pilot season. Because sleeping in my own car like Andy Dick would be a walk in the park after your bed turns into a 24/7 Milk Bar for 7 years and counting.

INT. HOME
Wife
You got a fantasy decoration for our tree?
Stay At Home Comedian
Yeah, I got a Unicorn Strap-On to hang on it Nardia.

Wife’s friend laughs long time.

INT. ANTIQUE STORE-COLD SPRING
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
My friend Dave will love this old Penthouse with Samantha Fox.
Before girls with tattoos on crystal meth ruined the sensual allure of porn movies forever.

The Princess Bride is hilarious. Still, in the Andre Giant doc on HBO, Rob Reiner tarnishes it, saying all his lines were incomprehensible because he was a drunk. No, letting Corey Haim get gang raped by your buds in rape wood is incomprehensible.

Last year, my kids had more Snow Days than Germans have paid time off.

Plopping a Coconut Air Freshener in our garbage pale to defunkify it in the middle of winter feels a tad more matured minded than spraying myself with Obsession cologne after clam-backing in my parents Mazda 929 in high school but not by much.

INT. ANTIQUE SHOP-COLD SPRING
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Nice BLM pin. If I’m feeling frisky. Next year during the holiday season. I’ll ask you if you got any Millennial Lives Matter t-shirts .

Owner laughs long time.

I’d rather live in resistor Long Island City than have my wife interrupt my spinach and feta Omelet breakfast with our 3 kids through our Alexa app powered speakers playing Norah Jones prior. My mood inside went from serene to enraged violated in a NY minute.

My parents defense for not calling about the storm before, after or during.
We just assumed a stay at home dad would stay in as usual.

My wife sucks at being a life or death reminder meteorologist. Our SUV is stuck on a hill, All Wheel Drive is off, I got 3 kids in back. And I’m thinking. Not once, do I recall my wife uttering. Don’t leave the house today under any condition, even if it’s for a job interview, God forbid.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s