Early Hanukkah Gifts Galore

Watching my mother-in-law reluctantly spin a Dreidel at our dinner table because her granddaughter gave her one to spin was like watching Moby being pressured into spinning Animal by Def Leppard by Kid Rock at gunpoint.

7 Year Old Daughter hands me Make Your Dreams Come True book I got for her. And says. Read this. It will get you a job. So you can start bringing home the bacon. And I’m not talking about the veggie kind either.

Do It All Dad’s plan to make my make gentile in-laws tense today. We place the Oy Vey headband we got yesterday at Party City on my daughter’s stuffed animal Pineapple Pretty because she pulls of the jappy girl persona the best.

Trump’s a White Nationalist retort for Thanksgiving.
Obama had Jay Z call Meek Mill to talk him out of meeting with Trump to discuss educating changing prison reform. Sorry, African American brothers got 99 problems but Trump isn’t one son.

INT. CAR-Outside of Target
Daddy, do people ever shoot arrows at Target?

Explaining consent to my 7 year old daughter.
So Jerry Lee Lewis married his cousin when she was only 14. Yuck. I know.
Plus, when she went moved in with him at 14. All she had to pack her cloths in was her Fisher Price Farmhouse.

White Nationalists run the White House reply for Thanksgiving follow up. Obama’s the enemy of black people. He did nothing about gun violence in Chicago. He imported inner city jobs to illegals and his best celeb bud is the ex-crack king of NY.

White Nationalists run the White House reply for Thanksgiving part 3. Are you telling me you know more about face to face racism than Jim Brown? Who Richard Pryor picked to help run the 1st black owned film production company back in the day.

Trump’s a White Nationalist retort for Thanksgiving part 4.
Then, why didn’t denture mouth Pelosi stand during his state of the union after he mentions record low black unemployment numbers? I prefer a President who stands for Americans 1st and delivers.

White Nationalists run the White House reply for Thanksgiving for the remaining kill shot. But your wife isn’t a hippie nurse from Australia. So your chances of scoring a Work Visa in the land down under is on par with those from the Spanish Caravan. Fake news hippie, man.

INT.
Mother-In-Law
Manchester was named best Christmas Market in Europe.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
I prefer Mariah Carey Christmas songs over Adele.
You could’ve had it all. You mean all 800 pounds of you, Mary Ploppins?

Stay At Home Comedian Dad
You don’t mind me wearing my Knicks shirt for your parents?
Wife
No, they love that we live in New York.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Don’t move to Delaware on our behalf gave me that impression also.

Wife
You made this Alfredo sauce yourself?
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Act more surprised like Huma licker breath on election night.

Daughter
Jida, I learned Pisces like me can read emotions.
Jida
What’s daddy feeling?
Daughter
Annoyed he can’t submit book proposals to agents including chapters such as Grandparent Bad Manners because you’re here now. If I had to guess.

Stay At Home Comedian Dad
What if you flew us all out to Manchester next year for Christmas?
Mother In Law
We’d have to quarantine the dog for 6 months.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Why, did you rescue it from Hondrus?

My Buzz Kill Wife
Hey babe, the kids and I are making Low Rider Fredo Homes. We’re using lime zest & cilantro instead of parsley and lemon used in the traditional Fettuccine Alfredo. She says. Cilantro is strong. Angel Dust is strong bitch.

Do It All Dad’s plan to make my make gentile in-laws tense today. We put a Menorah Hat on Matilda’s new big sized Hello Kitty stuffed animal. English Mother-In-Law stares at Kitty quizzically. Daughter says. It converted.

Johnny Cash is the Frank Sinatra of country. The man in black is peerless in terms of charisma loaded phrasing, sardonic baritone based, killed around the world man bravado, tingly clear annunciation & cover topping grace.

My Non-Committal In-Laws
I say. We should celebrate Christmas in Manchester as a family 1 year.
Crickets ensue. I’m thinking. You would think I’d suggested us crashing the Royal Halloween party as the Hasidic Diamond stick up men in Snatch.

INT. CAR
Daughter
Daddy, are any banks evil? You know like the one Obama uses.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
I think he uses UBS in Kenya.

Father-In-Law
Hanukkah starts early this year.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
I know. Your people are used to dominating the entire month from December from start to finish. Your own red wave really. I can’t tell if I nailed that analogy or not.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

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