Media is Good, Trump is Bad

Father-In-Law
People normally gravitate to me.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
You work in IT for a living. Anyone with a pulse is the Howard Stern of cooler talk, no offense.

Ungrown flowers must be way cheaper than grown ones because they’re the only ones my mother-in-law buys for us. They look like flowers who’ve never been circumcised. And are just as gross & anti-climatic to take in.

My In-Law’s Nazi dog barks at me again. I say. What’s wrong Heidi Himmler? Do I smell like too much Matzo Ball Soup for your taste?

When your Mother-In-Law doesn’t match your goodbye. It means her fat ass resents you rubbing in how successful her sister’s daughter’s husband is as an architect in Manchester England compared to your non-billable podcast blogger career.

Calling Hudson Dermatology. I was calling to confirm my
appointment to learn whether my finger has skin cancer or warts from being too loose with girls in LA in my 20’s. Last name
Kornbluth yet I’m sure my big Jew mouth was a dead giveaway already.

Mother-In-Law
Lots of people were stuck in the snow.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
But those people aren’t your 3 grandchildren and me.
So I could give 3 shits about your bullshit sense of empathy like the way you describe all Arabs as Middle Eastern.

Younger Brother
My job is bleeding into my social life.
Mom thought I was going to quit my job over it.
Older Brother
I’m sure mom stressed how important it is for you to feel like a big shot in all spheres of your life.

Wife
You’re really edgy around my parents.
Husband
Your mom is an unhugable cunt. Her insistence on acting like she’s too good to compete on Top Baker doesn’t do her any favors either. But I thought the dog got her more active.

Wife
You’re really edgy around my parents.
Husband
Only around your mom actually  All she’s good for is bagels and a cake once a year for the kids birthdays. Plus, she hates how happy the kids are around with me without her assistance.

Husband
Your mom didn’t match my goodbye.
Wife
She was just mesmerized by baby Samuel.
Husband
Her fat ass was plopped on the couch.
Holding hands with your dad.
To show a CNN tie of solidarity.

When your mother-in-law doesn’t match your goodbye. It means her feelings are bruised for you demonizing her precious, all truth unearthing, zero divisive agenda driving media.

Wife
You can’t talk politics the day before my birthday.
Husband
Your friends and dad bring up how everyone needs to be nice and stop being so divisive. Like your mom knew what the fucking midterms were 8 years ago. Neither did I but still.

Younger Brother
Got engaged. I’m marrying Jane more for her than me.
Plus, she’s the only girl I’ve been with who I don’t want to cheat on.
Older Brother
You sound like a bitter free, lust conquering, slut in a straight jacket already.

 

Converted Wife
I abandoned my relationship with my lord and savior for a putzy Jew from the Bronx like you, smutz slacks. At least, Jesus is handy with a hammer. He could convert our Christmas Tree into a Tree House and have his cousin Saul flip for a profit.

Int. Pharmacy
Pharmacist
80 bucks now, 250 moving forward.
Stay at Home Comedian Dad
So much for this Caravan driving down the price of pharmaceuticals.
No wonder anyone lobbying for lower drugs prices gets iced. Bullworth was on to something.

So sick of anyone who takes offense to demonizing the precious media. Who sat on the Harvey Hair Clumps Weinstein story forever. The same media who compares Trump to Hitler. Who would never dare call Obama a measured Farrakhan with a Teleprompter.

Trump should just hire Jeff Ross to roast Jim Acosta. What are you exactly? Because you’re not suave enough to be a Cuban spy. Does CNN just shove a mike in the hands of anyone with good hair? Who doesn’t look too Tommy Lee Alt-Rightish.

Ivanka locked up is a sexy image. I get it. But it’s not happening resistors. Plus, I don’t think she’s getting fired.  Also, let’s not act like she got caught sending personal emails to YourMamaObama@gmail.com either.

Father-In-Law
The US was never this divisive.
Stay at Home Comedian
If you don’t see how CNN, Facebook or Obama isn’t the instigator of such hysterical, blatantly divisive rhetoric, then you’re the tone deaf, blind old man at sea gone sailing.

Mother-In-Law
Samuel’s had a snotty nose before.
Stay At Home Dad
Don’t act like you’ve had a front row view from day 1, for 2 years straight now Facebook Grandma. But your sister got him nice PJ’s in England. Good for you.

INT. HOME-MORNING
Mother In Law
We don’t have a car seat.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Why would you? Since you granted your rescue dog squatter residence. Only after the birth of your 3 grandchildren no less.

Am I the only 1 pissed off about the Obama’s being a billion dollar brand now? Knowing Obama is an ex-civil servant. And done nothing but smirk and talk consistent shit about his replacement ever since. After sanctioning spying on Trump Tower no less.

But seriously, am I the only 1 pissed off about the Obama’s being glorified for being a billion dollar brand now? Knowing Obama is an ex-civil servant not belonging to the Skulls and Bones last time I checked. On top of being radio silent on Trump lead prison reform affecting inner city kids the most in his sweet home Chicago?

I questioned why we gave billions to Pakistan in my pilot, Don’t Laugh, I Live In Newark. About a fat Ethiopian TSA Worker who saves the day. Also, the Hillary oh gosh reaction shot lacked her trademark Terminator stiffness. Or maybe it’s just me.

Trump should hire Van Jones to replace Betsy Devos as the Head of Education. A handsome black man would be a more invested champion of “due process” for brothers charged of rape and aggressive eyeballing and lip licking at the club.

But if Karl Rove can be bi-partisan. He pushed W to run for President. He was America’s fuck up enabler. Shut up already. You’re just embarrassing yourself. Latching any veneer of goodness to that evil turd is like saying John Podesta is good with kids.

My dads defense for never getting a tree in our home for my mom who converted. When Jews look at a Christmas Tree, they see a Camouflaged Cross. Like a topless, Collared Priest in Khaki shorts at Action Park. It gives me the creeps alright.

I’m so sick of hearing how divisive our country has become. Prefaced with the implied assertion it’s all Trump’s fault. When half the US normalizes ANTIFA, voter fraud, Nazi smears, witch hunts & sanctuary cities because Rape Wood’s enabler pick lost.

Story titles for Stay At Home Comedian chapter about my baby boy, Samuel the breech baby.

Your Flipping Over Jonathan Not Looking After the Kids?
Birth of Bam, Bam, Giggalow
My Weed Intake Saved My Baby From Brain Damage
Flip Out Free Space Here

 

Mother In Law
Matilda, make sure you eat all your breakfast because it’s good for your brain and body.
Daughter
I took 2 more bites like daddy told me to.

Translation: F off Facebook Grandma. You’re older than Ariel’s clam trap in the sea.

Story titles for Stay At Home Comedian chapter about my relationship with my 1st baby boy, Art Show USA.

My All American Dream
Number 1 Capricorn
No, He’s My Daddy
Wishing My Son’s Birthday Never Blows
Can’t Believe He’s Real

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

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