I Have To Become An Author

I have to become an author because despite all his success Rodney Dangerfield was still miserable.

I have to become an author because similar to Rodney at 42, I’ve got a duffle bag full of funny to capitalize on already.

I have to become an author because I really wanted name my 1st son Charles Bukowski Kornbluth.

I have to become an author because I ended up naming my 1st son Arthur Morrison Kornbluth.  Plus, I’m  15% Welshian according to Ancestry.com.

I have to become an author because it will score me a female lit agent I can flirt with over shrimp cocktail at the Oyster Bar in Grand Central guilt free because my wife will have her Black Range Rover already.

I have to become an author because my 7 year told daughter believes I’ll get a million dollar advance because putz face Christian Lander who wrote Stuff White People Like got 350 thousand for his white priveldege snooze feast.

I have to become an author because I’m too sensitive to become a road comic.

I have to become an author because my asexual Bruce Jenner material wouldn’t play well at Berkley and I can’t afford the security detail.

I have to become an author because Ann Coulter is one and she exudes 0.0 personality off the page.

I have to become an author because I survived 2 near accidental overdoses from Crystal Meth and lived to tell the world Crystal Meth can also look exactly like Cocaine.

I have to become an author because I cold called through my twenties and thirties as an IT Headhunter and only have my 2562 superficial connections to show for it.

I have to become an author because I live to create and feel like an ineffectual jerkoff when I’m not.

I have to become an author because my MATH SAT scores leave me no choice.

I have to become an author because Tom Papa wrote a book on fatherhood from on the road I’m assuming because his kids got minimal emotive mention.

I have to become an author because my chapter Birth of Pescatarian Comedian is funnier than Jim Gaffigan’s bug meat fish spiel.

I have to become an author because Bill Hicks was a comedy poet at heart and so am I.

I have to become an author so I can ask my mom next time she visits us from Arizona, “Too ambitious? Good thing, I took your advice and became a garbage man though.”

I have to become an author because I’ll have something to show for 10,000 jokes produced during my stay at home dad gap years.

I have to become an author because I’ve been working on my autograph signature since my 7 year old daughter started drawing more complete o’s than me.

I have to become an author because it will provide me with paid speech opportunities as the new face of the remote work revolution.

I have to become an author because Anthony Bourdain would demand it after I got my piece of flash fiction Anthony Bourdain Rips My Frozen Lunch Apart published in Fire and Knives in his honor.

I have to become an author because outside of Cameron Crowe, name another writer who has a picture of Hollywood screenwriter director legend Bill Wilder in their home office? Hoisting a cane high in air talking out dialogue with his Harvard grad writing partner on a coach in the Paramount Lot, hanging onto maestro’s every words back in the day.

I have to become an author because nobody ever became rich from being a salary man. Wyatt Earp said that East Coast elitist.

I have to become an author because it’s my fight for self-respect and I’m winning.

I have to become an author because I don’t have to obsess over delivering stand-up funny every 2.2 seconds.

I have to become an author because Paul Mooney told me, “I hear you’re funny.”

I have to become an author because I’ve lost all desire to write another TV Pilot and work in Rape Wood.

I have to become an author because I’ve got God and my 3 kids to keep my heart company inside.

I have to become an author because writing heartfelt funny makes me most high.

I have to become an author because it’s a decision that wasn’t made for me by my fucking parents.

I have to become an author because my daughter’s teacher thinks I should be hosting my own kids TV show already.

I have to become an author because David Letterman and Johnny Carson were such overrated personalities.

I have to become an author because Gary Shandling told me. “To keep writing and you’ll look like me.”

I have to become an author because I’m not a tough guy Jew from Brooklyn like Dice.

I have to become an author because in my writing I’ll prove how much funnier my kids are than Judd Apatow’s.

I have to become an author because Louie CK is just going to steal my spot at the Comedy Cellar anyway.

I have to become an author because it would impress Kevin Smith.

I have to become an author because I used to make up my own lines for national commercial auditions in LA before a real monster ego emerged.

I have to become an author because all I got out of my appearance on Blind Date in LA was a free meal and herpes.

I have to become an author so Charlie Daniels can kiss my Stay At Home Dad ass.

I have to  become an author because I blew off Canteen mixers at sleep away camp for more readings of Cracked Magazine.

I have to become an author so I can get my son, Art Show USA his own electric guitar and lessons so he can play Siamese Dream at his his Bar Mitzvah Party.

I have to become an author so I can go ice skating with my Daughter at Wollman Rink in Central Park and afford to splurge on tea and scones at Tavern on the Green.

I have to become an author so I can buy my family a new home with enough farmland for my Larry Bird size basketball court.

I have to become an author because my relationship with my mother couldn’t get any worse.

I have to become an author because Shel Silverstein would recommend me to his agent.

I have to become an author because Dr. Seuss peaked early.

I have to become an author because Gen X kids like myself are moody, alternative obsessed creators.

I have to become an author because it sounds a whole lot sexier than IT recruiter.

I have to become an author because I’m bored with just rereading my jokes on my Do It All Dad Year Podcast.

I have to become an author so my Obama jokes can get my book banned from Brooklyn bookstores like Henry Miller back in the day.

I have to become an author so I can see my kids wait on line at my books signings for my autograph.

I have to become an author because my gorgeous kids will score sports modeling and endorsement deals from Lulu Lemon and college won’t be necessary any longer.

I have to become an author so I can love my kids better with a more ravenous, joy spewing heart.

I have to become an author so I can drive my wife back from the hospital with our new baby in the back of our new Range Rover because 4 kids would really piss my parents off. And then, I earn a free pass from ever having to visit my in-laws in Delaware again because chances are, I’ll be too busy promoting my next best seller.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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