Jay Z and My Wife Ruining Everything

INT. KIDS BEDROOM
Wife reveals our new smart bulb lamp.
Me
Alexa turn me on with Bordello Red.
Wife
You ruin everything.
Me
Now we can turn our bedroom into the red light district in Amsterdam to spice things up.

Yesterday my wife says, you can’t disparage stay at home moms.
I say. But I’m not married to your mother.
She was a hairdresser for a day before becoming an insufferable, stay at home blob.
Who makes potato dumplings for Church, whoopty doo.

Blog Title Ideas for a post about stay at home moms being sacred cows.
Stay At Home Dad vs. Homemaker Cow Moms
Comedians Live To Take Down Scared Cows
Milking Sacred Cows For Funny To Feed My Family
INT. STOP AND SHOP
Baby boy points at an onion and says eye.
Me
We must shoot our father and son cooking show pilot today Chef Samuels.
Who else is saying I got something in my eye ? Except Hillary’s Campaign Advisers on election night.

I love Journey but listening to Steve Perry’s new album on Spotify this morning made me feel like a gimpy, eunuch sentimentalist from Game of Thrones, minus the ability to get over my age of innocence already.

Expected Holiday Confrontation
I say to my dad. Funnier dad, happier baby. He says, not funny. I say my childhood photos were nothing to laugh about. Apparently, my smile had no muscle memory whatsoever.

Today is the 30th Anniversary of World Aids Day. In related news, it also marks my 30th anniversary of being sacred to death of bare backing with strangers since I sprouted pubes under my Fruit of the Looms.

Blog title idea for what my blog’s about for Hollywood.
What’s My Blog About Rapewood?
Resist This
Upstaging Your Wife Is Good
My Kids Loving Me the Most
Kids Need Dad Around More
Dads Are Stronger Cheerleaders

INT. STOP AND SHOP
I kill for 3 minutes straight with my baby boy with me.
Customer
Are you a Comedian?
Me
You think I’m grabbing gold like this out of thin air?
You think I’m a medium for dead dad comedians like George Carlin?

Customer 1 laughs long time. Got an impromptu round of applause from the cashier, customer 1 and 2 which was a 1st.

My 4 year old son taking no shit from big sis.
Dada, I’ll show my picture to Matilda. It will make her so jealous.
Big Sis says meh. I can do better. Son barks back. Do it then. I’m still waiting. I could’ve drawn a cheetah surfing with Bob Marley and the Wailers on top of a great white already.

Kayne West addressing Jay Z in a response rap.

I don’t worship fake idols like your boy Obama.
He nuke gifted the 1 sponsor of terror like a modern day Osama.
I don’t worship fake idols like your boy Obama.
He let ISIS slaughter Christians and disgraced his mama.
Trump pardoned Alice Johnson after Kim’s plea. I’m free from your label now, you Suge Knight wannabe.
Trump pledges to turn around our inner cities.
You peddle more trash about being 2nd best to Biggie.
You’re with fake news fro Kaepernick, I’m with Jim Brown. 1 ruined the NFL, the other reforms gang banger browns.
Give it up Jay. Your time has passed.
The world no longer cares about your New Jack Hustler past.
Give it up Jigga, your time has passed.
History will remember you as the rapper who campaigned for Hillary’s satanic past.
You salute to black power on SNL.
Yet give no money to crack babies you pushed into premature hell.

Seinfeld Segway Lightner
Sending myself emails gives me a buzzy sense of self-importance.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

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