Life – the way it really is – is a battle not between Bad and Good but between bad and worse. Joseph Brodsky
CEO Apple Tim Cook says “hate and division” have no place on his platform. Because I’m sure if Apple owned LinkedIn, they’d ban all IT recruiter hate speech in a nano- second. Because IOS developers who work for Apple love being hit on by dumb jocks recruiters at work, who played Lacrosse at Penn State. Knowing no noise cancellation headphone phones could ever tune out the muffled, maudlin cry of their scar tissue shrouded teenage hearts.
Hate and division have no place on I-Tune’s Platform. Then, why is Bill Hicks entire stand-up comedy library still available on it? Bill Hicks, the greatest standup of his generation oozed hate because the majority of America didn’t recognize his awesome hilariousness. Only after getting sober and moving to England did Bill Hicks get the extreme praise he deserved. But hatred for being a single, unknown, paid road comic clown who could out funny think George Carlin any day of the week wasn’t bothered by his lack of mainstream success one bit. Bill Hicks was just peachy about David Brenner doing Carson 5 million times from free riff, non-establishment airplane humor compared to his bit on abortion protestors on Letterman. Which never made it past CBS advertisers. Who killed any shot of the bit making Bill Hick’s career come to life on Letterman after all.
Hate is what made Bill Hick’s material great. George Bernard Shaw, Nobel Prize winner for Literature last time I checked, said, “Nothing is funnier than unhappiness.” Just to be clear, I don’t toss around the word hate lightly. I explain to my 7-year-old daughter Matilda what hatred means to daddy over breakfast this morning. Because I overshare too much and hold my daughter to a higher social standard than ANTIFA.
I talk to my daughter Matilda and down to her. And do everything in my power to develop Matilda’s own expressive confidence in her own ideas. So, she doesn’t flee for LA at 17 and regress into a Fallen Angel content with finding somebody to just love her body alone because I made her feel her brain was never enough to keep dada’s attention in the 1st place.
As my daughter takes a bite of Stew Leonard’s Chocolate Chip toaster made waffle. I test out my new premise on her.
“Don’t let anyone tell you different Matilda. Hate is good. How else would you know how much you hate Agave Syrup if you never tasted pure Maple Syrup from Vermont?”
She replies. “I agree daddy. Hate is good. Because without hate, I’d never realize how much I love my teachers reading voice over yours. Especially, after you read me direct quotes from boring Nobel Prize winners like Joseph Brodsky. Mrs. Donofrio’s reading is way more interesting because she assumes the personalities of the different characters, she reads to us about. Can you please just read me some of your jokes instead? But spare me more jokes. Where you have to explain what Private Equity, Firms do and who the Illuminati is in order to understand the joke, thanks. But how is hate good again dada? Untangle my brain for me please.
I reply. “Hate is anger, filled annoyance or outright sheer, heart enraging disgust. For example, Daddy learning from mama about Baba picking out only pillows from Pottery Barn for Arthur’s birthday gift registry because they’re the cheapest items on it. And daddy hates it when your younger brother continues to receive second rate gifts on his birthday from Baba. Especially knowing how Arthur was born on New Year’s Day. So, Baba unloads her cheapness into one combined Christmas Birthday Pillow gift for him without losing any sleep over it.
Is hate and division the reason my Do It All Dad Year Podcast never made it on I-Tune’s new and notable Tim? Was I being divisive when I kidded on my podcast about how I took offense to my wife calling me sexist for making fun of Chelsea Clinton? Because she’s not even ugly anymore. Or was I hater for insisting Chelsea Handler is a way bigger Twitter twat than Alyssa Milano. Who became a full-time social justice warrior to deflect attention away from her tits sagging popularity. Joan lives.
Peter Fonda stated fantasies of Baron Trump being raped in a cell on Twitter, yet he never got his account suspended, paging fake news moralist Twitter CEO, Jack Dorsey. So, is it really hate speech to call Peter Fonda a burnout has been? Whose been in permanent meltdown mode since America as a whole decided Baby Boomer Mom, Hillary doesn’t know best. Is it hateful to point out how Hillary Hammer Time Cankles lost touch with the working man by taking 5 times to get her Metro Subway card to work? By the 5th swipe, Hillary gives herself a pep talk. “No more coughing fits of nervousness. Black people are watching. You can do it.”
I know I’m not the only one who hates the moral grandstanding, hypocritical nature of the big three, Apple, Twitter and Facebook in relation to being so called protectors of hate speech. Farrakhan has an app on the I-Tunes store Tim. You know the class act who calls all Jews termites and hailed Hitler as a “great man.” But my dad friendly, Do It All Dad Year podcast is considered hate speech because I claim the Swastika looks like 2 gay Nazi stick figures in a 69 on crystal meth?
I worked as an IT headhunter for the majority of my young adult life. But without hating my parasite existence. Feasting off the brains and more developed, bankable, placement worthy talent of others. I never would’ve latched on to writing as means to achieve independence from such a thankless, time wasting, non-builder existence.
Hate is good because if I didn’t have the experience of trying to launch my own creative tech staffing agency from home after getting fired from Robert Half. I never would’ve realized I hated relinquishing so much control over my destiny to unproven, douchebag tech founders. Who on LinkedIn are only searchable under the name Diesel. Which is more tailor made for standalone placement of a license plate on a tricked-out Honda in Daytona Beach.
Hate is good because it reveals the root of your misery. 9 out of 10 Stay at Home Dads want out of the house if someone look past their gaps of wrath. Because they’ve grown to hate being a dependent, talked down to, house maid bitchy boy. Because no matter how progressive minded, or evolved workings moms proclaim to be. There reaches a resentment point in the relationship. Where the working moms dismiss their stay at home shemale hubs as mere dead weight. Because working moms tire of having to lean in and do all the money making themselves. Plus, the working mom is less risk averse in the bedroom when stay at home dad is choking her too hard financially already.
Hate is good because it forces the stay at home dad to become best friends with self-awareness. Which helps stay at home dad determine a course of action to ensure less of the same old shit. In my case, I’ve decided to write a best-selling parenting book about how Stay at Home Dads get no respect because Rodney Dangerfield would’ve insisted on it. Plus, Rodney didn’t relaunch his standup comedy career and become committed to making a career off his standup till he was 43. At 42, I’ve chosen to innovate or die as a major in my author debut Stay at Home Comedian, Controlling My Kids with Comedy, How 3 Kids Got My Act Together.
Prior, to going all in on his stand-up comedy career, Rodney sold aluminum siding to feed and care for his family. I used to peddle and sell the brain power of IT nerds for a living. Rodney stockpiled jokes in duffle bags during his aluminum siding sales years. Whereas, I stashed my material onto my do it all dad year podcast and now blog. But Rodney needed a home base to test new material after being offered a residency in Vegas. Because Rodney wanted to be an involved, around do it all dad for his daughter in Manhattan.
Rodney didn’t have a real affectionate relationship with his dad. So, he pursed the love from strangers for a living. My dad hasn’t called me on my birthday for 2 years straight. Plus, the last time I celebrated by birthday in Arizona with my parents. My dad’s shoulders collapsed in unison as I went in for a birthday hug. So, I can identify with the caring compulsion to connect, move and entertain strangers with my comedy and writing similar to Rodney. But without hate introducing me to my new pal Mr. Self-Awareness. Resulting from learning how much I hated having an identify defined by making a living off the talent of others as an IT recruiter. I never would’ve been propelled down this path of independence from the man and gone into business for myself as book author on rise, in charge of my own destiny, self-published or not.
Hate is good because it instructs you on what people to avoid, especially your past degenerate, druggy, reckless self. Who paid the price by contracting foot fungus from stepping foot into the showers of LA Fitness in West Hollywood barefoot one too many times.
Hate is good because becoming comfortably numb doesn’t look like an attractive alternative when Pink overdoses from Heroin induced indifference during the rendition of Hey You in Pink Floyd the Wall.
Hate is good because it’s a killer motivator for exacting, follow through, all encompassing revenge in Kill Bill 1 and 2.
Hate is good because it pushes your imagination to produce misery eliminating alternatives such as resisting the desire to ever express a pro Trump sentiment in your household again, especially when your wife’s remaining friends are over.
Hate is good because it forces you to work harder at being more impressive than your edgeless competition. Who uses his wife to punch up his jokes about his proud defense of McDonald’s for him.
Hate is good because it emancipates you from bad habits such as clogging up your brain with too much dull braining resin fumes from your cherished ex one hitter. Because now you care more about being getting high off your kids’ company as a best-selling author instead. Officially, closing the chapter off your IT recruiter past for good. Proving to myself, I’m no longer a mere schmuck in a headset. Which isn’t as bad as unemployed stay at home comedian.