1 Kid Only

“Hey bro, I got good news.” Younger brother replies. “What, you’re having another kid? Actually, I’m getting 19 blogs republished on The Good Men Project website. Turns out I’m quite fertile in both departments.”

Poor taste besides my younger brother attempting to shame me into feeling like a Welfare mother derided in a Chris Rock bit. Is my younger brother bitching about catching up with sleep to my wife, after admitting to me seconds earlier how he just slept 36 hours after partaking in a coked-out bender with his boys. Only after telling me prior, how he’s been taking 100 milligrams of Adderall daily for his new fast food restaurant manager job. Which provides 5 weeks paid vacation. Meanwhile, my saintly wife has to endure this insufferable bitch feast, with her mouth shut because my mom’s in town for our 1 night of forced family Chanukah time together. After she delivered 7 babies the previous night. Who’s also a mother of 3. Who hasn’t had a solid six-hour, uninterrupted stretch of sleep since baby Samuel was born 20 months ago. But keep on talking about how hard you work bro and how much your social life is limited. Keep on bitching about how your work never ends. And how you have to take work home with you now. Performing profit and loss statements on enough Adderall to make Little Woman a spellbinding read.
But you’re totally ready to have 1 kid only. Will mom and dad renege on their promise to give you more money to open a restaurant again if you bang out 1 kid more? But mom offering to help with your precious P&L statements when she’s in town over spending more quality with her 3 grandchildren is priceless.

If you don’t have children, never complain about how little time you have for yourself. Your entire life is dedicated to yourself. Taking 100 milligrams of Adderall means your 100 percent focused on yourself. If I took 100 milligrams of Adderall a day, my kids would never see me again. Because I’d lock them out of my office to read the Bible out loud from start to fish already in one setting. Even then, my focus would be on how much smarter smug superior I felt than Sarah Silverman. Who brags with boorish, too cool for school nonchalance for never cracking it open the Bible to even page 1 in the 1st place. But Sarah Silverman is the more mature minded one than Trump. Knowing she still rips bong hits in a hoodie in her upper forties. And never outgrew her truly tasteless, alternative jokes phase or her relentless belief in impeachment miracles coming true. Being a father of 3, how do I feel about having 1 kid only? Glad you asked. Twitter isn’t until I got my account temporarily locked answering this very same question. So here we go.

1 kid only means you better get the max minutes available on your family phone plan.

1 kid only means, your diaphragm is for walls after all.

1 kid only reveals your inflated sense of entertaining self-worth.

1 kid only tells the world you think 1 kid is mere child’s play. I see other couples come into bars with just one kid. I can handle that and still wake and bake.
1 planned kid only means you’re a bandwagon creationist. You’re not having 1 when you’re behind on paying off your mounting credit card debut.
1 kid only tells the world you’re down with limits to endless kids invading your home.
1 kid only reveals you either A) Were traumatized by an older sibling or B) Never suffered from long enough droughts of loneliness in high school. So, you felt like a dirty old man at 15 with sunglasses on at Child World.
1 kid only means you’re not too keen on reteaching multiplication tables after the 1st run around.
1 kid only means, you’re a self-loathing narcissist.
1 kid only means your heart wasn’t into it in the 1st place.
1 kid only means your kid will turn into self-indulgent, drug crazed hippie. Who declares God is dead on his Senior Yearbook photo under a picture of Nietzsche. He’ll have to cold call for a living before he starts quoting Vince Lombardi.

1 kid only tells the world, it’s my life despite not feeling that way anymore.
1 kid only is selfish because you’re making it all about your social life again.
1 kid only tells the world, hit me with your best shot and I’ll sulk away.
1 kid only means you prize your wife’s heavenly snatch more than I do.
1 kid only tells the world, I’m a feminist mom. Who isn’t too keen on further genital mutilation.

1 kid only means you’re really good at projecting cool despite your apparent nap prone anxiety disorder. Mom’s relieved. Now she has a social out to nap with her kids whenever she isn’t the mood to socialize with the world again.

1 kid only means your heart doesn’t break at thought of your only child feeling like an unwelcome, intrusive herpes sore when you’re working at home again.
1 kid only tells the world you don’t sweat the small stuff. When your retired cabin fever parents are only 15 minutes away.

1 kid only tells the world you’re enlightened enough to ensure your only estranged kid won’t end up being the kid in the Jeremy video today.

1 kid only means you’re indifferent to your daughter taking a midnight train to Rape Wood in the still of the night.

1 kid only reveals you’re banking on mom for too much assistance as usual. Last time I checked, TARP money bailed out mom’s employer JP Morgan Chase, not the other way around.
1 kid only reveals if it’s good enough for Hillary. It’s good enough for me.

1 kid only proves your big brother could die tomorrow. And you wouldn’t lose any sleep over it. Even if he never bought life insurance for his wife and 3 kids. Before his debut parenting book Stay at Home Comedian, became a NY Times Best Seller despite it being banned for “divisive, hateful content”, from bookstores in San Francisco, Brooklyn and Rape Wood.

The End

By,
Michael Kornbluth

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