Party Animal DNA

This is Ziggy Marely being interviewed by a reporter for High Times for their 420 issue.  “Ziggy, your dad had 12 kids. But the Crazy Baldheads taught us Ganja destroyed our life shooter’s fire power for good.” Ziggy Marley replies, “Fake News man.”

Joakim Noah just admitted on a radio show the reason he sucked up the joint as a Knick was because he was constantly lit. His exact words were “Athletics and partying don’t go hand and hand.”  3 kids later, I know for a fact hangovers and kids don’t mix. But can middle age usher in a gentler, less destructive form of partying for working parents? Similar to what Bukowski pulled off during his late in life, married, prostitute free San Pedro years.

Is addiction to partying nature based or more an offshoot of normalized enabler nurturing ? Or does addiction to partying really come down to disposable income, free time and making the choice to live it up like Lizard King? Distorting all windows of perception like any shot still fitting into your leather pants again after exchanging your acid only Atkins diet for cases of beer and whiskey shakes, rattling  bones.

Legendary Stand Up Comedian Doug Stanhope says AA is great for the stories. Plus, he refers to all addiction as a “controlled decision.” So according to Doug Stanhope my younger brother choses to be a sketchy speed freak, regardless of what collateral damage it’s caused to his ex fiancé’s bank account and my parents in the past.

Once, an old fake news friend asks me. “What’s the difference between 1 kid versus 3?” I say. “Drinking alone is no longer an issue. Plus, having 3 kids versus 1 is a headier rush of coolness empowerment because each kid of  mine has become an automatic, unabashed fan of me. The rub is making sure they continue to admire and look up to me past their 1st love, gaga phase.” How will I ensure this love connection lasts post puberty? By raising my kids drug free by becoming drug free to. And stop doing all drugs. At least around them or never be on them in their presence ever period.


The best teacher is doing, not preaching. I’m almost there. Pothead daddy is dead. So is bourbon in the house ever dad because if I have it, I drink it at night in generous, you’d  think I’m on an eight ball of blow pours. Plus, my cherished Kentucky Bourbons and spicy Rye Whiskies aged me 1000 years in a day when I thought I could pull off the William Faulkner, writer sophisticate lifestyle on it. “Knowledge is power” kids.


Doug Stanhope can say addiction boils down to choice, not genetics. But this argument still doesn’t disguise the fact that some of us hailing from a long line of party animals lack self-regulated cut off point capabilities, especially those who have crazy hick, party animal DNA embedded in their liver spotted family tree.  I have a high tolerance for booze and beer in general. My younger brother not so much, yet he’s a lifelong enthusiast of the nose candy. So he’ll end up drinking way more than his normal brain can compute off it. Which is a recipe for disaster, especially when you add dad’s Ambian into the mix.  Never got that move. Could my younger brother be anymore of a degenerate, crazy hick, indecisive Jew? Do you want to be up or go to sleep? Make your mind up already, my chest.  Like I said, some posses greater control over their party animal DNA than others.

I still take Adderall, but I only take 1 time release a pill a day and nothing else these days. I know the Bible says sometimes we judge what we’re most guilty of.  But I never stole money from my parents’ ATM machine for cocaine runs to Washington Heights either. My own cousin who turned his life around, as a tax accountant, used to be a homeless crackhead. He’s a smart kid also. Will always love my cousin with all my heart. He truly turned his life around. Couldn’t be happier for him. Still, at one point, his pangs of addiction were so deep, he took my grandmother to the ATM when she had Alzheimer’s. I don’t know what’s lower, him doing this or me sharing the story to the Internet at large. Obviously, it’s not me bringing up the story again because in order to raise a drug free family, my 3 kids need to know that A) It’s never to late for redemption and to turn your life around and B) Party Animal DNA, especially, from Mimi’s crazy hick southern side, has a killer appetite for destruction lurking from within.

My kids already know about drinking and driving, heroin, pills, cocaine overdoses and how they’re all illegal. Plus, they fully know real jail is hell on earth and they’ll all be eaten up alive in there. I didn’t watch every single episode of OZ for nothing. So when it comes down to taking it or leaving it, they must leave it. It’s also easier said than done. They say evil happens in the place of idleness. That’s why I’m pushing my 3 kids into sports, theatre, art, creation, all forms of competition, both creative and physical. So, they don’t have the free time available to indulge in being a blah brained, empty souled consumerist like I was growing up.


I don’t want my kids to be playing catch up in life like me at 42. The rich get richer, and the poorer pothead, feels poorer the more he puffs one hitters into his early forties because ripping hits from an expensive glass bubbler is deemed too wasteful for his weed, spendthrift addiction.  I tell my kids, nothing will get them higher than winning and creating something new. For me it’s writing new jokes and writing new pieces, or performing on stage to kill but life is so much more than that. My view is limited to show business, but life is your stage like Shakespeare says, so either you want to shine like Denzel as Othello on Broadway or fade into the sunset like a has been, never great in the 1st place Andy Dick.  Plus, partying doesn’t solve your financial problems. It only creates more. Just ask Jimmy Leyritz on the New York Yankees how his life materialized. After his legend cementing homerun against Atlanta in 96. When we were down 6 runs to win Game 6 away from home. Before winning the World Series in the boogie down Bronx against the dominant, unhittable Maddox in game 7 for it all.

Reality is, I don’t even remember one funny line I uttered from all my Christmas Breaks I drank away with my buds from high school. I do remember one local townie, telling me.  “You should run for politics office one day.” Have no idea where that came from. Still, I always viewed his kind reach out of him as meaning, you got a brain, save some  brain cells for the greater good. Plus, you’re destroying your looks with this stuff kid.

In the end, we’re judged by what fruit we bear in the form of our kids. And I refuse to raise victim card playing drug addicts, fuck that. Party animal friends fade kid.  Miserable pricks, love to feel better about themselves around other struggling pricks. Partying can motivate kids, but partying doesn’t have to involve drugs and alcohol. You want to celebrate your wins. Go out dancing, Ice Skating, Duck Pinning. Sushi Dinners conquest feasts await. Knick games at MSG and seeing Ziggy Marley live in Central Park. Getting high on the music and on the company of those you love. Inhaling nothing but positive vibrations, blowing through the air.

The End


Michael Kornbluth



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