What Gen X Parents Understand

I understand my resistor mother knows nothing about me 42 years later because she tells me over the phone about buying my son golf clubs for his upcoming 5th birthday, followed with, “chances of him going pro are a long shot.” I reply. “Mom, I understand your measured optimism, considering how your 2 sons turned out, within the field of competitive athletics. But you don’t get to parent again through my kids. Your window of parenting has been closed shut for 24 years now and change. Last, at what point did you think I’d smile, nod my head and take a small time vision involving my 1st born on the chin? As you thrust your potential limiting labels on my love supreme seed like some hired hack parenting coach interloper. When you’re not even around your grandchildren enough to make an informed, sound talent assessment in the 1st place.

Grandma’s arrogance never dies, Gen X Parents understand this much. You can’t wait to watch the new movie about Bush. So, you can relive the glory days of when a dumb fuck President, military industrial complex puppet pawn represented the real 4th axis of evil in the White House? Even the director of Cheney, Adam Mckay, big fan, loved the Big Short, went on record to the Hollywood Reporter calling Bush incompetent on every level and way worst than Trump. During the interview he also criticizes Bill Clinton administration’s lax regulation policy which acclerated the future Great Recession. Which your ex employer JP Morgan Chase played a huge role in. Getting the ratings agencies to stamp Triple A on bundled loans in the form of the Mortgage Backed Securities. Which would’ve sent the world economy into the never sinking abyss. If the Fed didn’t start printing Tarp funds like it was free fucking monopoly money.

Gen X Parents understand Grandma isn’t God’s gift to parenting or else you wouldn’t be carrying on love affairs with strangers on Twitter after being shadow banned for 2 years straight.

Gen X Parents understand Grandparents still play favorites yet this time in the form of grandchildren allocation love. Matilda, my 1st born out of 3 is my parents clear cut favorite. Matilda’s a faultless, linguistic, super deep genius already yet Grandma still feels compelled to point out from a call with her grandson, Arthur, that he doesn’t speak clearly yet. Based on my mother’s huffy, high handed assessment of my son’s ho, hum expressive might. You’d think he’s the next kid to star in the Jeremy video remake. Who just blew his brains out in class. Making sure he was heard loud and clear today. I text back to my mom last night. Arthur is a comedic genius. All 3 of my children are because they stem from do it all dad’s tree trunk over here. If Arthur doesn’t enunciate clearly it’s because he’s talking too fast and his tongue hasn’t caught up to his on fire brain again. Also, Colbert is a stiff, hysterical, low energy hack when reliant on his nerd personality alone. Last, Trump’s IQ is twice of what John Oliver has to offer. Plus, he’s twice as funny off the cuff and never bores you to death sounding like a know it all bean breath twirp in the process either. Let’s not act like John Oliver is a comedic heavyweight in the league of Ricky Gervais either. Resist this. OK, not my words exactly but you get the gist.

Gen X Parents understand, over-scheduling kids schedules is an off shoot, defensive result, to fill their kids free time with more than Different Strokes and Facts of Life. Which got us nowhere fast.

Gen X Parents understand, CNN and MSNBC exist to keep the NY Times from going out of business.

Gen X Parents understand Pee Wee should’ve stuck with playing with bikes.

Gen X Parents understand Dice was the fearless, alpha male, cool man clown, we all wanted to be.

Gen X Parents understand the Goldberg’s show is a rosy version of our lives growing up before Magic made HIV disappear.

Gen X Parents understand Patton Oswalt’s voice is no Daniel Stern’s from Wonder Years. Which always sounded way more like Richard Dreyfus.

Gen X Parents understand, complex carbohydrates are overrated but keep you fuller and less portly longer.

Gen X Parents understand hair power ballads are still cherished because they’re beautiful, kick ass songs about romantic longing. Which never got played out in our hearts.

Gen X Parents understand Jada Picket Smith, was quite manly, white man’s the root of all evil, standoffish since her supporting role in Menace to Society before she did Dead Presidents and disappeared forever.

Gen X Parents understand our generation invented the internet garbage heap it’s become.

Gen X Parents understand no amount of Internet porn options will ever recapture the mountain of muff mint, golden years of VHS, Boogie Nights porn.

Gen X Parents understand Social Security, Pensions and company loyalty are less secure these days than Hillary’s bladder after one too many bottles of Cake Bread Cellars Chardonnay on election night.

Gen X Parents understand how a non-affectionate, constantly yelling, zero life teaching, anti-Jeff Garlin in the Goldberg’s, can result in their children becoming druggy, dependent degenerates.

Gen X Parents understand the importance of teaching our children the importance of who the real bullshit assholes are in the world. Like anyone in the media or government who’s ever normalized or not trashed ANTIFA for the violent, terrorist, free speech killing thugs they are. Who promote the seizure of property and killing of wealthy whites because Deblasio’s got their back.

Gen X Parents understand hip hop back in the day was the most bad ass, hilarious, accessible, social change activist minded, slamming poetry ever produced. Before Master P flashed his grill and ruined everything with Krunking.

Gen X Parents understand high profiling, guitar god shredder slingers of yesteryear are deader than Tara Reid’s Wet Bikini contest career.

Gen X Parents understand Zit Face Zuck should’ve banned Baby Boomers from using Facebook before Diamond and Silk. Extending an olive branch to parents who had no business spying on our new family lives in the 1st place.

Gen X Parents understand Sierra Nevada Ale is the pale ale that never get’s stale.

Gen X Parents understand grey specs in their beard represent signs of well earned wisdom because we know the difference between Hilter and the fucking President of the United States. Trump’s Hitler, in what Inglorious Bastards 2? Make Nazi Germany great again, wasn’t his campaign slogan dude.

Gen X Parents understand how the good old sock son in law gift is an ideal I don’t give a shit qualifier.

Gen X Parents understand Collin Kaepernick sports a fake news fro. Have you ever seen a bi-racial afro that big before? Slash from Guns and Roses, his stab at it was a total flop.

The End


Michael Kornbluth

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