Daddy’s German Au Pair Enthusiasm

My 7 Year Old Daughter mocking nacho flavor Cauliflower crackers.
They’re too forced pinko for my taste Dada.

Me flirting with a German Au Pair at the Kids U.
Do you use the word Hipster? Yah. I hear Berlin is more Hipster than Munich. She lights up, Yah. I assume Lena Dunham would still be a virgin in Germany. Yah.

I appreciate your enthusiasm screams, have fun at your Trump rallies. Until my impeachment fantasy comes true and musky Mueller is knighted with an Old Spice campaign in his honor. Too bad, Trump’s not sweating it babe.

If someone is adamant about you not pissing them off. It means you pissed them off royally. Especially, when you learn later about what garbage their Twitter feed is consumed with.

Once Mueller calls it quits and a wall is erected. Resisters will have only 1 year to recuperate before year 4 of Trump’s historic 1st term presidency. US troops coming home beats my mother’s in law’s go to sock gift, USA, USA, USA.

I appreciate your enthusiasm is what HR says to you. Because asking their husband if they want to hang out and talk is normally drowned out by their dumpy husband throwing on his noise canceling headphones soon after.

I appreciate your enthusiasm is a patronizing blow off. It screams, nice hat hick. What difference does it make? Is a close 2nd but not really.

INT. BARBER SHOP
Me
What was Meat Head Archie in the Polo fleece so miserable about?
Besides, my blond haired kids outshining his ginger white privileged squareness whole.

INT. BARBER SHOP Version 1
Barber
What’s your book about?
Me
Being a stay at home dad in the age of me to fake feminists.
Who uses aggressive toned comedy to fight back with.

INT. BARBER SHOP
Barber
What’s your book about again?
Me
Being a stay at home dad fighting for respect through the power of punchline driven prose about dads being more stimulating parent coaches than mom.

INT. BARBER
Me
I’m glad Serena Williams is on the cover of GQ for woman of the year. Because photo shopping Bobby Seal’s leather jacket from the Black Panthers on Collin Kaepernick would’ve been really forcing the issue.

Let me guess the #newinstagram allows you to filter out presumptive hate vibes produced by your driving selfies. In order to secure your safe space shelter immune from charges of narcissism gone wild.

My extended flirt exchange with a German Au Pair at the Kids U.

You’re from Germany. Do you hate Merkel? Who? Angela Merkel. Yah, people love her. But she was just forced to resign. She’s ok. Obama get’s the same downgrade treatment here.

HR asks me. Will commuting be an issue after being a stay at home dad? I say. After looking after 3 kids 3 summers in a row. My commute will feel like a 5 week rave in Germany.
I hear German men get 1 year of paid maternity leave yah? Au Pair says. But you have to be employed prior. So an HR Manager for SAP Germany would still see 3 gap years, not 2 for you.

Do you drink German wines? Yah, French ones to. But I’m only 19. Do you have a fake ID? Yah. Do you have house parties with other Au Pairs? No. I would’ve exploded in my pants if you said yes.
Is it possible for a kid you take care of to profess greater love for you than her own mommy? Yah. It’s happened to a friend of mine. Is she taller than you? Where do you hang out exactly?

Are most German girls tall like you? Yah, most men in America are much smaller than me though. You mean my people the Jews. Who hate how Trump towers over them in more ways than 1.

I read a parenting book that said German parents let their kids play with knives as early as 4. No, not you. I guess they were no extra circumcision knives lying around your parents pantry.
I hear German families let their kids play outside the house unsupervised. So parents have more free time inside to play with the Au Pairs themselves.

Me sabotaging my flirting session with a German Au Pair.

My Mother In Law only allows my 3 kids to have fun in her cramped, designated playroom downstairs. So she doesn’t hear the patter of happiness upstairs. Total Nazi Move, right?
The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

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