Bare Minimum Grandparent Providers

Baba isn’t God’s gift kid. Nancy Reagan was an actress before she became a house wife. Baba was a hairdresser for a day before her Spanx fitting, the following week.

What’s your reason for leaving your wife, substandard sex? Grandparent, step up upgrade.

INT. Wife’s Childhood Home
Bare Minimum Grandma Provider
This place is a dump.
Me
You never see your grandchildren Rosa. And stop act like your living room wasn’t an avalanche of disorganization to begin with.

Stay At Home Dads have a grace period before both Grandmas resent your existence because they never enjoyed mothering the way you did. Nor did they engender the same gushing affection from their 2 children compared to your adoring, gaga eyed 3.

Facebook made bare minimum grandparents cheapo love providers. Who needs real face time when you’ve got an endless photo feed filler? To comment on with Emoji’s because you’re an emotionally retarded expressionist resistor.

Wife
You have a bit of persecution complex.
Me
Name a stay at home dad mensch who doesn’t.
You think it’s funny calling myself a mensch?
If a stay at home dad comedian won’t jerk off his superior parenting skills who will?

What’s a bare minimum grandparent provider? A grandmother insisting on watching the local news after dinner. Acting like her 3 grandchildren in the TV Room over Christmas break is cramping her tight in the Spanx style.

I’ll elaborate. What’s a bare minimum grandparent provider? You ask her to babysit once a year over Christmas Break. And she replies with: What time? And Eric hasn’t taken my fat ass out for 2 decades and counting. What time? Like working overtime is in her vocabulary.

Mom
I never told you to become a garbage man. You just need to be a provider.
Me
Thanks for the news flash mom. Because I live to be looked down on by my wife as an exploitative, deplorable dependent bitch under permanent house arrest.

Hey, babe if I get a job at the XFL your mom will hate me forever. Why, you’d have a job? The founder Vince McMahon is boys with Trump. His wife Linda is charge of the Small Business Administration for the White House. Resist this Rosa.

What’s a bare minimum grandparent provider? Grandma saving money on UPS delivery and only sending pictures of her birthday gift for her grandson knowing he’ll be able to collect it 2 months later in person.

What’s a bare minimum grandparent provider? You get texts like Dad mailed Arthur’s card through US Mail, not UPS. So his pathetic fill in excuse for my son’s b-day is a meager act of generous, worshipful spirit for his grandson.

What’s a bare minimum grandparent provider? You get texts like Dad mailed Arthur’s card through US Mail, not UPS. So I shouldn’t be in a rush to judge dad anymore than in my republished piece Wishing My Son’s Birthday Never Blows.

What’s a bare minimum grandparent provider? You get texts like Dad mailed Arthur’s card through US Mail, not UPS. So Dad’s pathetic fill in for his real life presence because he doesn’t do the cold anymore can’t even show timely love.

Hey, babe if I get a job at the XFL your mom will hate me forever. Why, you’d have a job? Not just any job babe, but for a company which has a mission statement I can believe in. Alternative NFL for Gen X proud patriots is Nirvana. Courtney Love would concur.

Hey, babe if I get an executive recruiter job at the XFL your mom will hate me forever. Why, you’d have a job? Babe, it’s the only new startup which will value my old school hustle and xenophobia of social selling only.

Hey, babe if I get a job at the XFL your mom will hate me forever. Why, you’d have a job? Yeah, for the patriotic, America’s Gladiator alternative to the NFL. She won’t be able to take my patriotic powered might anymore, USA, USA.

Editor
Due to your tongue and cheek humor.
We can’t tell what side you’re on.
Me
I’m on God’s side. The one Facebook likes to blotch out in favor of live steaming torture, Kiddie Porn links and F Jews, Farrakhan sermons.

Just to be clear any dumb fuck CIO who doesn’t know how to set up a SKYPE account. Is an overrated full of shit, overrated hack to begin with. I’m also questioning his salesmanship which explains why he’s stuck as the CIO, not CEO.

Editor
Due to your tongue and cheek humor.
We can’t tell what side you’re on.
Me
If I was such a homophobic, Xenophobe.
Why would I go back to a steam room in LA Fitness for a shvitz?

Hey, babe if I get a job at the XFL your mom will hate me forever. Why, you’d have a job? But XFL Magazine isn’t making fake news fro man of the year. To appease his deflated ego in the form of an ex-participation trophy.

What’s a bare minimum grandma provider? One who doesn’t make breakfast till 10:45 AM over Christmas Break. When you’ve had all year as a stay at home doggy sitter to prepare for the arrival of your 3 grandchildren with gifts still in cardboard boxes.

Hey, babe if I get a job at the XFL your mom will hate me forever. Why, you’d have a job? I see. So being a future best selling author/ stay at home dad of 3 kids, only 1 planned is chopped liver?

What’s a bare minimum grandparent provider? You get texts like Dad mailed Arthur’s card through US Mail, not UPS. Got the message. Wishing his grandson’s birthday day never blows isn’t the focal point of his existence.

What’s a bare minimum grandparent provider? You ask holier than now baba to babysit once a year over Christmas Break. And she replies with: But Eric never takes me out anymore. It’s no longer about you Unhuggable Cunt.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

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