Instead Of Drugs Say Yes To Fatherhood

All drug abuse stems from low self-esteem, scarcity of real friends and too much free time on your hands.  So clean your up your act like Motely Crue did on Dr. Feelgood and what Amy Winehouse did on Back To Black and give birth to a new and improved you. Devoid of any lingering, Freshman year one hitter clogged up Chakra residue of rageful, fucking up regret of yesteryear already.

I started smoking weed in high school after my lost year of socialized development in 9th grade playing GJ-Joes all by myself in semi-splendid isolation.  I recall getting a puberty book in the 8th grade for Chanukah. Thinking, great gift mom. Can’t wait to recall how behind schedule I already am. Later I blurt, “Mom, getting this gift in front of my younger brother is humiliating. He’s already hit puberty. So he can play with himself whenever he wants.” Moms replies. “But you do that all the time with your GI Joe figures.”

Writing these straight forward, book proposal sheets for my parenting humor debut book Stay At Home Comedian are more enlivening, written in punchy prose, despite me recycling material older than Yiddish at this stage of my life.

But the more I think about it Random House, Penguin Books, Bukowski’s editor who fed him an advance in the form of Mars Bars before completing his debut novel Post Office. Documenting his mail route, pre-smart phone, involving intricate weave of routes throughout East Los Angeles to make my own brain feel fried from smoking too much Angel Dust homes.  So a listing of what main arguments my debut parenting humor book are as follows.

Stay At Home Dads get no respect from fake feminists.

Fake Feminists try to make stay at home dads feel like sheltered bums.

Controlling your kids through comedy works.

The Rod didn’t work out too well for Michael.

Helicopter Parents created mumble-core, twerps and fucked their kids up good.

White privilege reverse racism exists, no he didn’t. Yes, I did.

This is do it all dad it all dad possess superior calming skills than mama because controlling your kid through comedy works. Plus, funnier dad, happier baby.

Kids behave in public when your hold them to higher social standards than ANTIFA.

Old school shoulder rides rule.

Favorites never change.

Husbands today have to work remote or they’ll be charged with sexual harassment. Assuming all meetings over Skye start with. Husbands only, raise your hands high, where I can see them.

Bonding over fatherhood isn’t always recommended because those men could’ve have estranged kid relations of their own.

Kids need dad around more.

Book Authors are fire proof.

Books on Fatherhood blow.

Pride is on my side.

Comedy control rules.

Kids are better than best friends because they make you feel better than loved.

My 3 son, Samuel Teddy was bound to woo.

Shadow Banning is real.

Fatherhood grants you the chance to re-raise yourself in the form of classically trained baby, evolving from Hendrix to Mahler.

Falling for fatherhood means loving the opportunity to love your kids better than your parents did.

Befriending a black lit agent and black editor is in my best interests.

Facebook has rendered baby boomers bare minimum grandparent providers.

My gap years were the best of times and worst of times.

I’m a strong contender for Politically Incorrect Prisoner of the Year.

Hillary Hammer Time Cankles isn’t my daughter’s role model.

A Vasectomy screams I’m pulling out because I no longer feel like I’m winning.

4 Halloween jokes is all your need.

There’s really funny people and Judd Apatow.

My daughter is the best bud Sarah Silverman never had.

Oversharing with your kids about your problems with weed addiction will make sure they don’t buy into the it’s just an herb pitch.

Coming to terms with your ex-social life pre 3 kids is easier when you realize how you only want to celebrate your most important wins with them now above all else.

Husbands today are expected to do more than knock up their wives every 2 years.

Husbands today prop up Columbus to their kids because they refuse to be slaves to political correctness in their own homes. But Matilda without Columbus, Bernie Sanders has no white devil American to cash in on and his gravy train goes sailing.

Fatherhood doesn’t guarantee you won’t sexualize your kids toys again in the PG-13 joke riffing sense.

Grandparents love their grandchildren more but not really.

God gives kids to only the lonely.

Stranger anxiety is fake news, either my kids are into you or their not.

3 kids isn’t brave.

Stay At Home Dads can’t survive as Welfare Moms forever.

Kids birth new daydreams to will into reality.

I’ll take my snuggling forties over my snuggling twenties any day of the week.

Baby Boomer arrogance never dies.

Celebs playing dad aren’t around enough to be featured star players.

The science of fatherhood doesn’t work well in my dad’s favor.

Bed sharing with my baby, otherwise known as attachment parenting is like planting seeds of self-esteem on steroids.

It feels good when your kids fight for sole ownership rights of you. No, he’s my daddy, my son declares. It feels good to be fought over sowing so much despair.

A son’s love urges you to become a famous author but funnier than Weird Al by Christmas or I’ll give kill you with our sharpest knife for real.

Grandparent bad manners is adopting a rescue dog without consulting their 3 grandchildren 1st. Knowing, they’ll no longer be the center of their attention when they’re around.

Baby Boomer resistors hate pictures of their grandchildren hugging Old Glory.

Excessive weed use in my life has done more harm than good.

Only agency IT recruiters get less respect than Stay At Home dads on the job so I can’t complain being a former Schmuck in a headset for hire.

Kids love back because when you play with them come rain or shine. Thinking to yourself I can’t believe they’re real or mine.

Males today must masturbate, it’s our only safety rail left.

It’s impossible for stay at home dads to feel like their own man as a financial dependent.  Especially, when your wife’s smart phone sends her an alert every time you make another questionable purchase at home. Wife calls: Hey Hubby, so how was bride of Chucky?

10,000 plus retweets were worth it because stay at home dad comedians needs all the wins they can muster.

Funnier dad happier baby. You want a photo off old man?

Favorites never change.

God didn’t give me 3 kids to have panic attack over it.

American Dad is educational.

Stay At Home Dads hate each other.

Getting love from skin cancer isn’t a guaranteed done deal.

Working remote can make our kids great again.

God gives kids to only the lonely.

LavarBall as my sub dad growing up would ensure my younger brother never lost his virginity before I did. He’d offer Rihana future profit participation points to pop my cherry in Junior High. So, I’d automatically feel like a bigger ball inside. And no longer run the down the court on my tippy toes looking I was in running high heels instead of high tops. As LaVar Ball my sub dad barks out in disgust from the sideline “We’re trying to sell Baller Wear son, not Jimmy Choo’s.”

Kayne West knows friendship best.

Facebook has made Baby Boomers the laziest grandparent generation ever.

Better than loved is your daughter looking up to you with her adoring blaster eyes.

Bare Minimum Grandparent providers make you a tighter home team.

Children are better than you.

Part Animal DNA doesn’t die in you once you have children.

Failing to be a provider bites.

1 kid only means you’re not ready to quit your lifestyle anytime soon either.

Hate is good because it highlights what to avoid from ruining your happiness bubble at home for future reference.

Book Authors are fire proof.

God made Neil Degrasse Interesting for 3 minute spurts.

Success in Rape Wood alone is overrated.

My wife sucks at life or death reminders.

Singing Rose my daughter and 1st born of 3 is the last person on earth deserving my scorn.

There’s really funny people and Judd Apatow.

4 Halloween Jokes is all you need.

Kids need dad around more.

Media is good, Trump is bad has stripped old world media capacity for objective thought. Reducing them into mere jealous frothing, twitter twats who can’t understand why Trump get’s so many more retweets than their Trump is going downtown hit pieces at nauseum.

Fatherhood is a do over life improver. Assuming, you’ve learned how if you can’t high off your own kids divine powered presence. Then, your sanity has gone sailing like those baby boomer resistor. Who’ve resigned to remaining glued to CNN versus rational, independent, thought.


Besides all those arguments I advance in my parenting humor book Stay At Home Comedian, controlling my kids through comedy. I’m now thinking NYC editor, obsessed with new writer platforms because killer A list material is always promoted, endorsed and made SEO friendly from the tech overlords of Silicon Valley at Google, Facebook and Twitter. Especially, when you share your fondness for a president who works for free and Toby Keith playlists.  Now, I’m thinking the title of my book which also catapults into the humor, parenting and holiest of holies, self-help section at Barnes Noble for drug fried readers who are all fucked up in the head. Who find Tony Robbins at a tad too alpha male for their taste. Who haven’t worked in enough bullpen sales offices like myself to handle such an tsunami of chest barreled f bombs for emphasis. Could pick up my debut self-help book, “Instead Of Drugs Say Yes To Fatherhood.” How 3 kids got my act together, one bit at a time. “Flying High Daddy”, from slug to stud. How 3 kids got my act off the ground already isn’t chopped liver either. Just give me advance money to wrap up this monster best seller already because Twitter can’t shadowban my A list American Dad loving material at Barnes and Noble just yet.


Fatherhood was the best kickstart to my heart to get sober and serious about making it as a successful author already, to complete my rise from slug to slug as the new face of the remote working revolution. Plus, I don’t rock a beard to cover 6 layers of neck fat which no longer exist hipster hobbits. I really did my best to be a functional pot head. I really tried my best to raise my kids on speed, Adderall specifically. But my history of drug dependence is over now because I’m no better than my mere schmuck in a headset during IT recruiter years throughout my entire twenties. For failing to recognize how booze maximizes my nasty mean gene vibe to the max. Weed, no matter how good the batch, dulls the impact, of my Aries punchy might. And Adderall renders me into a bitchy diva with a persecution complex no better than Princess Diaries Lebron James. No need for rehab Amy, when you got fatherhood. I only wish you could’ve become a mother and got to experience the same for yourself my Jewish soul sister from another mother.


In Chaim Potok’s Chosen, he talks about all of us being born with a “tiny spark of goodness.” And how it’s our job to nurture it. Well, bang out a kid fellas and you’re half way to the end zone. Now, all you go to do is say no to more drugs and start inhaling your kids feet instead. Before going in for a harmonica rib nosh for your new cherished night cap. Releasing shrieks of joy. Which cascade into one endless rhapsody of peek delight. Oh yeah, last argument I’m advancing in my book Mr. Editor/Lit Agent who isn’t a born again resistor. Who didn’t even know what the midterms were 2 months ago. Neither did I but I’m not you thank God. Oh yeah this is it, final argument, adult interaction is so overrated. Especially when your 3 fuss free, love supreme sweet kids are superior company than most.

The End


Michael Kornbluth












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