My Love Affairs With Strangers on Twitter

Was my grand total of 35,629 tweets worth it before I unplugged myself today from Twitter forever? Combining all the 24 new accounts I needed to create on Twitter. So, my hashtag lovers at #plumber, #fintech, #edtech #privateequity, #WordPress, #Istandwithisrael and #femaleentrepreneurs would be able to search and read my new, extra pointed, money shot, joke blasts, splattered throughout the Twitter cybersphere? Knowing, they couldn’t get enough of my truthful, gobbles of joke firing spraying fun. Knowing I’d get shadowbanned by Twitter every time I got on another carpet truth bomb hot streak. And had to start new Twitter accounts, 24 separate times in order to get my pointed  jokes stabs seen while losing all my past followers after deactivating  all of my past accounts in order to start anew. Boy was it ever worth it and then some.

Without my love affairs with strangers on Twitter over the past 2 years since becoming a full time stay at home comedian, do it all dad podcast host and now featured writer, on the Good Men Project, my comedic instincts for what works would never been as sharp as it is now.

Without the enrapturing, inspired embrace of my steady, non-stop barrage of new material fed into the Twitter abyss from my stranger lovers on Twitter, I never would’ve  banged out my monster parenting education humor book, Stay at Home Comedian, “How 3 kids Got My Act Together” feeding their appetite for more, more, more.

Comedy is a pure art form. The goal of a joke is to always score a laugh. There’s no room for artistic, merit measuring interpretation. Either, the joke made you laugh or not. So, by this definition, strangers on Twitter have made me feel like a perpetual winner as of late and stay at home dads need to all the wins they can get. Now, sometimes, the joke can generate a mere smile, a pleasant chuckle or a major league laugh yanker out of your esophagus. I constantly for go for the laugh yanker out of your esophagus. Jeff Foxworthy says you should always use a funny sounding word at the very end of a punchline, esophagus being used a second ago is a primo example, obviously. My old stand-up comedy professor Jim Mendrinos at the Gotham Comedy club told our class, you should only have 2 passable tests when constructing a joke, intended to perform on stage or on the page. And that’s A) Is the joke well-written and B) Did the joke make you, the creator laugh. That’s its folks.  At the same time, I also learned from my 1st year of doing open mike stand-up comedy in LA is how sometimes a joke which makes you laugh one morning, generates zero smile improvement generation the following evening on stage. Also, some jokes sound better written, then performed because some words are just hard to wrap your mouth around. For example, I still struggle stating my own name clearly, Michael Kornbluth and I’ve had at least 4 decades of practice already.  And I’m not even using comedic exaggeration to make my point in this instance. Michael Kornbluth is a total mouthful to say. Even Kim Kardashian can’t wrap her mouth around it. Ok, in this instance, I used comedic exaggeration to nail my point home. For the record, I’m a huge fan of Kim Kardashian since she used her social media influence for the greater good. And pushed for President Trump to pardon a reformed woman who was in jail for being a mule for a Drug cartel in California. Since then, President Trump also signed off on a prison reform bill, which accelerates the liberation of 1st time drug offenders in jail. Giving them a chance to renter society, take care of their families and make something of their lives again. So good for you Kim Kardashian and for being more than the top of the Persian porcupine puss chain, yummy.

So back to my love affair with strangers on Twitter. They’re the best grown up comedy buds I never had. Sure, I’ve had old school friends from High School, from college and beyond who read and emoted about my blogs, Yelp reviews, spec scripts and pilots in the past.  But since President Trump became president and since I became a father of the 3, the majority have been nowhere to be seen. Nor have they been able to keep up with my fast and furious rate via new joke text transfer either. I used to post jokes on Facebook in spite of these fake news friends because to illuminate their spiteful jealousy. Knowing they were giving 0.0 love to reposted  proven winners on Facebook. Despite the retweets on Twitter or votes from a site called ComedyWire, which is Twitter for comedy writers. Who are by the far, the most critical laugh judges of the bunch.

 

I stopped using ComedyWire 2 years ago, after posting more up 6999 voted on funny lines. John Lennon wishes he was this productive during his stay at home dad years. I stopped using ComedyWire because it gives you a constant feed of news stories to write one-liners on, yet the best comedy comes from hard core felt emotion. And when you’re being spoon fed topics, the jokes you generate aren’t going to deliver such a hardcore punch, if you’re meh about the curated topics you’re commenting on to get laughs from just for the sake of joke writing practice in the 1st place. Also, I felt it was time to tackle Twitter again after experiencing much success with Comedywire. But the major turnoff for me about Comedywire was some new guy who wrote for the Onion and some stupid book on Trump, commenting on my jokes.  I don’t need to hear your confusion at a dense, fully loaded joke of mine, hick from Wisconsin. Either you laughed at my joke stab or not. Don’t need the forced, hackneyed, fake news friend constructive commentary, thank you very much. Get stand-up comedy great, Nick DiPaolo to read and emote about your Louie spec through Twitter about his dear departed friend, always the scariest elephant in the room, the late great Patrice O’Neal. And I’ll start giving a shit about what your cliché brained mug has to espouse on what constitutes actual funny my friend. Get the Rev Bob Levy, stand-up joke marksmen and star writer and roaster from the Howard Stern show to laugh at your A plus jokes about Lena Dunham and claims of Trump being the anti-Christ through direct messages on Twitter and I’ll reconsider my position on your new evolved role as my new comedic ghost guru teacher whisper CNN contributor blogger you. Get stand-up comedy great Margaret Cho to read your pilot Mike Mates, which you bang out looking after your 2 kids and get her to give your script the “so funny” nod and I’ll look up to your enviable comedic stature for a change, Seth Meyers sucker. If you’re not afraid of Trump, then I’m not into my mother as much as Seth Myers. Oh, I can’t take no more.

So yeah, Twitter has not paid the bills for my family or put food on the table for my family at all whatsoever.  Still, Twitter is a world-wide open mike and I’ve been killing on it for 2 years straight now. And prior to that, I was able to connect and impress with the heavy weight comedic luminaries I mentioned prior, which gave me tremendous added confidence to keep on plowing forward with reckless abandon, with no guaranteed payday in sight. But every great major league hitter, Pete Rose, Derek Jeter, Wade Boggs, Edgar Martinez, Paul Molitor, Tony Gwyn, all needed batting practice. And that’s what Twitter has been for me.  And I’ve been batting above 400 for some time now. Being a stay at home comedian, it’s been a wonderful batting cage to tee off on targets such as Hillary Hammer Time Cankles, king of the persecution complex Lebron James, Trump resistors, Baby Boomer bust grandparents, Denture Breath Pelosi, Debbie Wolface Wasserman Schultz, Dinero Duntz, Baldwin, my writing sucks without Tiny Fey programming me, etc.  At one point, I was up to almost 3000 followers on Twitter, Richard Lewis being one of them from Curb. Who I exchanged compliments with back and forth through direct messages on Twitter. Once, my dad was gracing us with his presence from Arizona back east and I shared a recent message exchange from Richard Lewis with my dad. He shrunk into the couch as I read on as all the blood drained from his once cock sure face. All of a sudden, I blurt out. What’s wrong dad? Dad says. I’m tired. I’m thinking, of what being an asshole?

The thing is being a stay at home comedian, you don’t interact with the grown-up world too frequently because adult interaction is overrated. So, Twitter, has been my comedic sanctuary, my shrink’s office, my cooler talk repository, my open mike at the Eastville comedy club in Manhattan all wrapped up into one.  It’s allowed me the freedom to process my bruised feelings and enact comedic revenge in the form of exacting, get in the last word, reimagined narrative more to my liking. Whether my enragement or extreme annoyance stemmed from my wife, in-laws, ex fake news friends, or my parents blatantly disrespecting, devaluing and depreciating this stay at home comedian whose written for TV twice already, again and again. When, I’ve been the rock of my family, with 0.0 outside assistance to look after my kids in the form of Facebook grandparents, useless uncles or involved, uncle type, high character friends in sight.  Not complaining about it, it’s brought me closer to my 3 kids and we make a stellar home team. God gives kids to only the lonely. Plus, I’ve got God in my heart now. So, everything is peachy compared to my degenerate, druggy years of yesteryear. Also, during this stretch in the wilderness as a stay at home comedian in exile, off the main social grid of life, I’ve been able to dig deep, truly develop my voice and not give a fuck about what social ramifications it’s engendered, which is an empowering, liberating place to be. I don’t exist to win over your approval resistor, hipster hack critic. I don’t exist to make you feel superior smug, when you couldn’t score a retweet if your life depended on it. Obviously, you are so controlled by PC safe group think, the fascist, morality thought police, truth guardian proctors of justice for all at Twitter. Have never found your edgeless musings, on you thinking you’re smarter than a President to shadowban and hide your thoughts because they do nothing to shatter the fake news, played out propaganda concerning how every Trump supporter is a xenophobe racist. Actually, the true definition of a racist is the palpable, forced in your face, purported feelings of extreme moral and intellectual superiority. And if this doesn’t summarize every anti-American sleaze who’s done nothing but shit on an American President who works for free to make the grand old USA safer and more prosperous again for all Americans, I don’t know what is.

The other day, I told my wife I’m going to self-publish my parenting education book, Stay at Home Comedian, because no east coast publisher will have the balls to publish it. She says. “But I thought your book wasn’t political.” I say, “That’s right, you haven’t heard the totality of one podcast out of 57 yet, my bad.” The thing is, I didn’t set out to write a political book in nature. The heart of my book Stay at Home Comedian, “How 3 Kids Got My Act Together”, is about getting off my dependence of Adderall, weed and IPA’s for a good time and instead choosing to get high off my writing and education of my kids. Coaching them into being the independent, bad ass creatively jacked humanists they were destined to be, under my hardcore comedic tutelage of course. It’s a story about a stay at home comedian whose raised 3 amazing, loving, sweet kids who are the most behaved, giving, pleasure to be around kids in the universe. Funnier dad, happier baby. Children are better than you. My kids truly are superior company than most. I’m going to miss them terribly once I get a job doing recruitment again except this time it will be for the XFL in Stamford, CT. I refuse to accept no for an answer. Vince McMahon oversees the XFL and WWE start Chris Jericho loves me. I wrote all his music video intro one lines for America’s Hard 100 on VH1 Classic. We hugged it out once we wrapped the shoot together. Any company that represents, the anti-fake news fro Kaepernick alternative to American flag degradation is the place for me. It’s a sports startup and I want in. Time to unleash the beast.

I do miss people. I do miss making the phone calls rip and connecting with strangers.  I’m still an old school recruiter at heart. Hated working as IT Recruiter as a whole but there were good times also and my co-worker always loved me because we worked in open spaces before Google made them mainstream. And within those open spaces, glimmers of my personality and strength of voice emerged from cold calling my brains out 12 hours a day eight days a week. My old boss Larry at Adam Jacobs Associates, a boutique IT staffing firm in One Penn Plaza in Manhattan on top of MSG used to let me practice new jokes in front my old school IT recruiter brethren to break up our afternoons on occasion. I was so on edge back then because I still had plenty to prove and hadn’t written for TV yet. This professional goal materialized 4 years later after my 1st of 3 children Singing Rose was born.

Who knew President Trump would get his 42-year old stay at home comedian excited about cold calling within the field of executive recruitment again. The reason why is because I’ve said my piece in my book Stay at Home Comedian, my book on fatherhood bonding in the modern era about taking charge of my kids’ education while I was around to do so. It will be officially released this Father’s Day 2019 through a big-time book publisher or not. Again, I don’t write this book without the love from strangers on Twitter. Most of the material, I’ve published here on WordPress has been recycled from Twitter. That means the material has been filtered and vetted for proven funny already lit agents at large. Still, I don’t need your comedic validation seal of approval Mr. Brooklyn lit agent because the audience reveals all without you. That’s why the Good Men Project site has embraced and republished 90% of the material I’ve shared with them so far because it’s already been embraced and loved wholly by all of you, strangers on Twitters and WordPress alike.

 

My strangers on Twitter and WordPress provide this stay at home comedian with an incredible fix of comedic approval feedback, which has proven priceless. I don’t finish my book Stay at Home Comedian without it. I don’t bang out 100,000 plus words of consistently funny, emotive verse for Stay at Home Comedian, without your steady doses of encouragement and loving embrace of me and who I’ve strived to become along the way.

By declaring on Twitter and WordPress my intention of writing the funniest book of parenting, from a fatherhood perspective, your sustained interest and increased attention in what I’d bang out next has been nothing short of miraculous. Strangers on Twitter and now WordPress, you’ve truly been the gift that keeps on giving. I love all of you for helping me become the funny man author, I was destined to be. I’ll always cherish our time together during my stretch on the stay at home dad wilderness front. But stay at home dads can’t survive as welfare mothers forever. So, I must go out and become a Headhunter again, this time for the XFL. But my book stay at home comedian will be out for huge worldwide consumption soon enough and I’ll be working on my follow up book through WordPress, Crazy, Good Dada, to follow.  Which will document my family meal review show, the Pescatarian Comedians, “Family Meals Deconstructed, 1 Bit at a Time.” When that sells huge, I’ll have earned the right to hang up my cold calling past for good. Proving to myself and to the world at large, I’m no longer a mere Schmuck in a headset.

The End,

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

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