What Gen X Parents Understand Part 2

The only reason we don’t pull the plug on our Facebook accounts is because Zuckerberg made us too lazy to produce a photo album for our kids, let alone 1 from our wedding 8 anniversaries later.
Starbucks is evil. Between Aids, the .dot com crash and 911 soon after. We had enough to be on edge about already.

 

Again, Starbucks is evil. We were conditioned to equate Nirvana with Starbucks. As a result, we like our comedy like our coffee, dark and bitter.

 

Starbucks is evil because it makes us resent bare minimum baby boomer grandma. Who can’t even dress up for a Skype call with her grandchildren? Fogging up the computer screen with her shitty Dunkin Donuts coffee breath as we speak.

 

Did I forget to mention Starbucks is evil? Because they never advertised the calorie count for Cafe Mocha’s with whip cream in college when we got addicted to them in the 1st place.

 

Last, Starbucks is evil because Spacious Starbucks lounge areas throughout SOHO in Manhattan, made us wish for the Loft in Big occupied by a 14-year-old Tom Hanks. But we can’t afford the luxury to dream big when we can’t afford to take our kids to Rye Playland to visit the original site of the Zoltar machine after paying property taxes in Westchester Country alone.

 

More of What Gen X Parents Understand
We’re able to call our son Chef Samuels whenever we get him into smoked salmon and eating anchovies pre-Puttanesca. Plus, we can help ensure our children don’t have gun shy palates by force feeding them sushi and fried up bean curd in red hot chili peppers to Under the Bridge. So, they’ll remember how much their taste buds were blown away that day.
Children sponge up your habits, so beer cleanses are good so your 7 year daughter doesn’t feel compelled to fat shame you anymore.” Daddy, I’ve got a 6 pack, you got a zero pack. ”
Documenting your kids’ lives on social media is good when through the art of comedy creation, your children can learn from the error of your ways by having to explain the intro your 7 year daughter does for your Do It All Dad Year Podcast episode, My Weed Exit Interview. I always wanted to a be a functional pothead. 3 kids later, I gave it my best shot. But sometimes, we have to write off our losses to excessive stubbornness, our degenerate southern hick gene and delusions of chosen people, all knowing grandeur kid.
Documenting your kids lives on Social Media can magnify their well earned boost of self-esteem whenever Daddy injects one of their hilarious ad libs into another piece republished by the Good Men Project. Soon after, declaring with all of his Do It All Dad declarative might: Your material is on the Internet forever now kids. Resist this. Joan lives.
What Gen X Parents Understand Continued 
Unstructured playtime for your daughter throughout her teens is good if: It doesn’t include recreational drug abuse, exposure to online porn or labia wearing hat marches prematurely because cock block parties aren’t her thing yet. Knowing for now, playing with her super girly Polynesian Barbie is her preferred cup of tea.

 

What Gen X Parents Understand
The selective yelling voice works if you don’t overuse it. If you overuse your so-called selective yelling voice, it turns into a cloned, outrage enshrouded echo chamber ala Twitter since Trump got elected. And from there, your children, won’t be able to tell whether you’re an over the hill actor, overrated comedian or another hysterical banshee puppet head analyst at CNN running with unverified lies again. Because they’re the true friend of the American people.
What Gen X Parents Understand
The selective yelling voice is an effective controlling tool to get your children to behave if you don’t minimize its impact by overuse of it like fake news charges of Don Lemon yelling at all tax paying, law abiding, Americans for being racists for supporting a President. Who works for free to keep our country safer to live, full of more money making opportunity to provide for our families and to make ball busting great again Nancy Denture Breath Pelosi.
What Gen X Parents Understand
We spend more time hanging out with our children than our parents did. Because we know our kids are superior company than most. Plus, we, don’t dare to treat our children like stupid, inferior deplorables beneath our intellect and extended attention spans past Jeopardy and boring rehashes of work either.
What Gen X Parents Understand
Nike is run by fake news hippies who exploit cheap foreign labor for all the safety jump suicide nets its worth, to keep sales production forecasts numbers on target.
What Gen X Parents Understand
When you can’t conjure one favorite dish from your baby boomer mother. It means her anemic Kosher steak doesn’t make the cut for future recreations or consist of any template for future Pinterest board clipping rehashes either.
What Gen X Parents Understand
Your children won’t behave like spoiled, out of control, ramification free anarchists if you hold them to a higher social standard than ANTIFA.
What Gen X Parents Understand
Spring Break in Norway rules because it beats putting sun tan lotion on your Albino conjuring kids in Arizona every time they hop out of the pool. During your forced annual visit to Mimi and Papa over Winter Break.
What Gen X Parents Understand
Breastfeeding turns your bed into a 24/7 open milk bar. And your wife’s boobs into milk dispensing, regrettable tasting, non-fat latte because you spit out the milk 1 second later. After you blank on your wife’s nips morphing into a temporary milk sweetener fountains of baby filler again.

 

What Gen X Parents Understand
Nintendo was a poor man’s babysitter, which did more time sucking harm than permanent good for our powers of creation. Postponing manhood post Bar Mitzvah years, regardless if you knocked out Iron Mike in Punchout on multiple occasions.

 

What Gen X Parents Understand
Bedsharing with your kids otherwise known as Attachment Parenting, is like planting seeds of self-esteem on Steroids. Ensuring our children will never suffer from lifelong abandonment issues. Enshrouding the vacant emptiness in our hollowed-out hearts with pot, speed, E, coke, Oxy or whatever else Gen X Parents, forced to cry it out in the crib, can get our hyperactive hands on to keep the next Tony Soprano conjuring panic attack without real life muscle at your disposal at bay.
What Gen X Parents Understand
We better befriend a member of the Deep State to scrub our MATH scores from our permanent record, if we want our kids to respect our command of high finance. “Daddy, how many zeros are in a Trillion? Daddy, do you really have to Google that? Are you financially illiterate or something?
What Gen X Parents Understand
Kids aren’t sold on the Adam & Eve story after binge watching endless Futurama. “Dada, if God created the Universe. Who created God? God went back in time in a time machine made by Elon Musk? Real convincing dad. Thanks for making me an atheist at 4.”

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

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