Never Forget the Nazi Smears

What does Farrakhan do on Holocaust Remembrance Day? Troll Eli Wiesel fan pages on Twitter with #fakenews hashtags from sunrise to night?

Seriously, what does Farrakhan do on Holocaust Remembrance Day? Spray Benjamin Netanyahu’s Twitter feed with Termite Emoji’s & the hashtag. #ButNataliePortmanisalright.

INT. DINER
7-Year-Old Daughter
I’ll have the Long Island Iced Tea.
Me
Whatever you say Catholic High Schools Girls in Trouble. That drink better come with a complimentary HPV vaccination.

 
Wife
You’re always criticizing my cooking, telling me what to add, whatever you say sir.
Me
Whatever, whenever. Hey, Matilda, Shakira is growing on me already. I only wish mama’s hips didn’t tell the whole truth so much.
INT. Jacob Films Burns Theater
Older Woman
4 for On the Basis of Sex.
Ticket Guy
Sold out.
Me
Tough break.
Older Woman
Excuse me.
Me
You’re too old and undesirable for a 3rd Trimester abortion in New York State.

 
Daddy, a girl in my 2nd grade class knows what big balls means. Just think of Hillary Hammer Time Cankles uninspired pick as her running mate VP. His son is a burnout loser suffering from a nut-less allergy of some kind also.

 

3 weeks without pay. Try 3 years as a stay at home dad and I’ll give a shit. But how will you handle commuting again? A trip on Metro North will feel like a 5-week wave in Germany after 3 summers with no central AC.

 

 

LA Bud
Going to the Superbowl. Check that off my bucket list.
Me
I thought you were a Raiders fan. Oh yeah, you started rooting for the Clippers once they got Afro Archie who could jump over Kia’s.

 

Play Date Mom hosting a 1st ever, unplanned sleepover with my 7-year-old daughter, that I pushed for via text hour earlier. Call anytime to say goodnight to her. In other words, I have added work, you don’t slacker.

 

LA Bud
My daughter doesn’t see color anymore.
Me
Is that because you’re a predatory, bullshit artist. Who pushes bitcoin and loan modification loans for a living like a biracial mixed Vin Diesel in Boiler Room would.

 

Me
Are you on your period?
Daughter
What does on your period mean?
Me
It’s when a woman stops being an oasis of pleasantness between becoming blah brained miserable pregnant for 9 months at a time.

 

Mom texts. I just emailed you a great article from the NY Times about fun stuff to do in Scottsdale, Arizona. I don’t see firing off rounds at Ann Coulter Scarecrow replicas at the range being targeted as points of interest.

 
Me discouraging my son’s request for a Barbie movie. We can watch Solo, fast forward to the fights in Blood Sport. Or grab all your sisters Barbie dolls by the hair and drag them back into my man cave to clean up the place instead. I’ve dug a toxic hole of alpha male masculinity and I can’t get out.

 

 

Me
I’m going to apply for the Communication Manager role for that Yacht club in CT.
Daughter
What does apply mean? Me Emailing a resume & a cover letter nobody reads. Before I hound them on the phone for a response.

 

 

Me
Your parents are visiting next Saturday, right?
Wife
Yeah Me Did they book their hotel room? Wife Yes. Me Now, that’s why I call a smart wall. Your mother must have Howard Johnson bonus points to cash in.

 

 

Wife
You’re not going to give me hate stares if I wear my pajamas all morning, are you?
Me
My morning wood is used to a short shelf life by now. Which your frumpy pajamas played zero role in erecting.
Me
In 14 years, Rock becomes President, after 1 more term of Trump & 2 terms for Ivanka.
Wife
You don’t question his native ancestry?

 

Me
No, I don’t see the Rock as an agent of Iranian Sheiks ruling Iran, that’s correct.

7-year-old daughter discovers the Kama Sutra. Daddy, this book is very sexual. And the girl in it is prettier than mommy. Plus, her skin has no veins. Plus, there’s no way mama is this flexible. Stop rubbing it in already.

 

 

INT. DINER
Daughter
Shannon’s parents have problems like you and mommy.
Me
How so?
Daughter
They sleep in different beds.
Me
Actually, the fifties weren’t so bad all together.

 

 
I hate lawyers who reinvent themselves as working writers. Not because they made it as writers. Just because they bitched about being miserable clearing six figures year after year. Avoiding their boring wives & annoying kids 24/7.

 
5-year-old son finds the Kama Sutra book in my office and says. My pee pee popped out from opening it.

 
Me attacking my daughter for claiming she likes Shakira better than Bon Jovi. She’s a belly dancing lounge act for Saudi Royals since Madonna got into Kabbalah. Actually, she’s the most streamed artist of all time, those stats don’t lie.

 
Trump’s the new Hitler. In what Inglorious Bastards 2? Did you know he lifted the lifetime ban on Jewish membership at Mar a Lago slim on facts shady?

 
Every Holocaust survivor descendant in the news media who has constantly smeared President Trump as Hitler should have their foreskin grow back as punishment God. They’d sell out their brother to the SS for a wrap from the food truck Schnitzel and Things.

 
One last time Michael Rapaport, make Nazi Germany great again, wasn’t Trump’s campaign slogan dude. Too bad Louie can’t write you another annoying New York asshole to play in convincing fashion.

 
The End
By,
Michael Kornbluth

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