New England Goat vs. The LA Mope

Me

I want meat.
Wife

But we’re making Cauliflower Wings.

Me

Then, why don’t I feel like you’re my hunger pang, guardian angel plucked down from Heaven?

Ask my daughter what she thinks of Adam Levine’s voice on the song Gotten on Slash’s debut album. She says. He sounds like he stole Michael Jackson’s voice.

7 Tear Old Daughter

Gisele, I don’t get the hype. She’s 80 in model years.

5 Year Old Son

And I’m better looking than Tom Brady.

Int. Diner With my 3 kids.

Cashier You’ve got your hands full.

Me

If my wife agreed to an open marriage with Katy Perry. My hands would be full.

Wife thinks our baby Samuel gets bored from too much time with her against his own free will. Always knew he was a quick learner.

Does Yuck Face Zuck Mark Zuckerberg, AKA, good will hoodie, automatically root for the Rams? Knowing, he hates to concede genius bragging rights to the more decorated, Alpha hoodie of the pack.

Old School Football Joke: How can you be a sports fan if you don’t play fantasy football? How you can really be in the girls? When you spent Saturday night, calculating the black to grey ratio on Brett Favre’s ball sack.

Unknown fact about President Trump. After Pats owner Bob Kraft’s wife of 40 years died. Trump called his friend once a week for a whole year to see how he was doing. My wife won’t even bookmark my blog.

 

Coaching Lebron James is a more thankless task than trimming his goat herder beard. Cedric the Entertainer wouldn’t be able to contain himself. Are you the black Moses now Goat?
“But Beasley’s opinions on Luke Walton’s coaching style matters.”
“Did God pick you to liberate Unibrow from his guaranteed 150 million contract?”

“Moses authored the Bible & you can’t string 5 words together coherently King.”
“Yeah, God isn’t parting waters for you to get Anthony Davis self-anointed great one.”
When the Lakers blow a half time lead against Golden State. Does Obama seek comfort in his secret stash of Almond Joy’s? Hidden behind Michelle’s box of Duct Tape from Costco.

INT. DINER

Me

I’ll have the Chevy Nova Lox Omelette and a side of Hollandaise sauce because your menu gives it your endorsement. I love to prove how my elitist people, New York Jews, don’t know everything after all.

Waitress laughs long time.

Find out what celebrities are rooting for whom Twitter? I think Chelsea Handler’s Twitter feed speaks for the vocal majority in Rape Wood. But she’s a full time social justice warrior now. To detract from her tits sagging popularity.

New Rule:
You’re banned from wearing a Rams jersey today if you never saw Chrissy Everett try to slam Jim Rome into the ground like he was channeling tough guy Jack Youngblood.

Ddamukong Suh is friends with Warren Buffet. President Trump is friends with Dana White. Who would you rather have a diet coke with? Suh bet on himself for a 1 year deal. Suh got 60 mill guaranteed with Miami.

Pink reportedly turned down offer to perform at the Superbowl because she didn’t want to follow Lady Gaga.

Rihanna reportedly turned down an offer to perform at the Super Bowl despite black people in America having 99 problems and Trump being none.

 

Me
Matilda, Whitney Houston could’ve been Gladys Night if she didn’t become a Crack Head. Sounds like someone eclipsed the greatest voice of all tonight, channeling some pure, drug free Whitney of old.

Roger Goodell’s photo op with the King family felt more forced than the utterance of social justice issues. Or my daughter trying to make the Super Bowl interesting with new team logos. Rams, a flaming rainbow, leave me alone already.

Is Wade Phillips on the Keto diet.? He looks fantastic. Cauliflower wings are delicious. You don’t you know what you’re missing America.

Brady looks annoyed at him having to will the Patriots to victory again with no margin for error. Dare I say, heading to halftime he looked prematurely deflated.

Adam Levine is the Jewish Justin Timberlake minus the recognizable, body moving hits. Pay homage to Georgia greats, do an Otis Redding cover, anything by the Allman Brothers and nothing off your records.

Of course the only NFL game I watch all year is slower than Squid and the Whale.

It bothers me knowing the GOAT never blows away team in the Super Bowl. I know he never had Rice or Lynn Swan to race down Touchdowns but Terry Bradshaw didn’t win 4 rings off short dump off plays either.

He’s the GOAT for a reason. Congrats to Brady, the Hoody and Gronk for showing the world the true definition of clutch again and again. I love how Bob Kraft embraces Brady like his own son.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

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