Children Are Family Upgrades

Children are for family upgrades, especially for unusual artist families like the Arquette family for instance. My family hasn’t achieved this level of fame just yet.

 

Children are for social variety from mama.
Children are for infinite joy because God hooked you up for refusing to give up on doing you.
Children are for your snuggling forties as a pleasant respite from your out of control, lucky to get out of LA alive, swinging twenties.
Children are for family upgrades because all 3 kids of mine are automatic fans of me. And it’s my job to keep it this way forevermore.
Children are for family upgrades because each birthday celebrates you being born again as a more loving, God praising, humanist.
Children are for family upgrades because they illuminate what empty filler your cherished IPA’s were after all.

 

Children are for family upgrades, when your mother sides with your dad after he makes your 1st of 3 children, smell like Don Draper’s corpse after dropping dead of a heart attack from huffing 2 cartons of Marlboro Reds on the red eye to Australia in 1966.

 
Children are for hugs from behind because your dad sunk into your couch at your house as you read him a DM from Richard Lewis. What’s wrong Dad? I’m tired. Of what being an asshole?

 

Children are family upgrades because it gives GenX parents the opportunity to highlight the inferiority of well-meaning Baby Boomer parents by rearing your kids on Kettle Bell swings to take your kids soaring self-esteem and endorphin rushes higher.
Children are family upgrades. You get to be a more involved dad who educates your 2 sons on the downside of sex, drugs and rock and roll versus downplaying how David Crosby turned out as big as your parents’ house. Looking like a pale, Garfield in the yard.

 
Children are family upgrades because Gen X Parents possess a heightened appreciation for happiness models of efficiency overhauls like Nintendo over Atari. Sega Genesis kicked our need for speed into overdrive. Sonic the Hedgehog was Super Mario on Ritalin.

 

Children are for family upgrades because they get you more than your wife who stopped believing in your dreams before you became a featured writer on the Good Men Project, getting published 16 times in a month.

 

Children are 1st born sons intent on raising their son’s into anti-mama’s boys so they avoid ending up like his victim signaling younger brother. Who milks his alleged demon druggy past for one life preserver after another.

 

Children are for unwavering confidence in your firmly rooted reason for offended enragement.
Children are for tears of an ex recruiter clown. Who as an IT headhunter, his 1st year in LA burned more bridges than Godzilla.

 

Children are for family upgrades for dads whose mom has professed on record in the form of a letter to show zero interest in your writing career because she was a boring banker and her drunk dad never asked for any JP Morgan stock tips.
Children are for giving your brain an overdue break from the weed because it took you forever to answer your daughter’s questions on it. Dada, if God created the universe, who created God? God went back in time, in a Time Machine made by Elon Musk. Real convincing Dad. Thanks for making me an Atheist at 4.

 

Children are for graduating from Hendrix to Mahler. And the chance to re-raise yourself as a classically trained baby like Eddie Van Halen and Randy Rhodes.

 

Children are for family upgrades because your boys. Otherwise known as Stud Alerts on the loose in public are far easier on their eyes than your younger brother’s blah brained boys.

 
Children are for family upgrades because when your younger brother refuses to read your latest blog, I’m a Better Dad than Harold Ramis after you announce having skin cancer. It’s hard to settle for a shit show of a relationship.
Children are for family upgrades to make sure you end the tradition of playing favorites and enabling degenerate behavior like the UN does for Terrorist rule of Palestine.
Children are for family upgrades because breast feeding your kids produces superior complexions, increased self-esteem and stronger immunity to nut allergies and from being gun shy boyz to men in general.

 

Children are for family upgrades because they inspired you to create yummier, healthier meals so your offspring don’t become fat sloths reared on P&J sandwiches alone without any taste of the good life to shoot for at all.

 

Children are for family upgrades because I’ll make sure my son understands the concept of commission before he accepts his 1st sales job in LA for beggar’s pay. Knowing, when he’s getting played for a clueless chump or not.

 

Children are for family upgrades because I know for a fact, I’ll never allow my shoulders to collapse as any of my sons go in for a hug, regardless of my opinions on how they should be living their only 1 trip to live lives.

 

Children are for family upgrades because I’ll never not call my son on his 40th birthday because he’s a she male stay at home dad comedian. Whose been fired more than a Palestinian Sling Shot.

 

Children are for family upgrades which explains why I’m not determined to abort my be fruitful and multiply mission just yet.

 

Children are for family upgrades because your Dad says with flippant, defeated disgust, we’re not the Walton’s. So, let’s not pretend we’re capable of improving our know it all behavior on your behalf.
Children are for family upgrades because family trips to Maine in October during their main damp season loses its allure after your 2nd Lobster Roll among a sea of Patagonia green.
Children are for family upgrades because parents who aren’t completely self-obsessed coach their children into being more successful, new and improved version of them, minus the jaded, bitter enshrouded baggage.
Children are for family upgrades because you need to pump more Jew into your in-law’s bloodline. Because your dead weight conversationalist father in law hates how you charm his dinner guests & score more laughs than he ever did.

 

Children are for family upgrades knowing Baby Boomer arrogance never dies despite Trump winning again easily in 2020.
Children are for family upgrades because your father in law dedicated 90 percent of his wedding speech to his daughters heralded sense of direction with no mentions of the groom is a lost cause already.
Children are for only the lonely. I don’t see Leo going out of his way to sell his latest and greatest Victoria Secret Angel to settle down in his Tribeca Pad to become a stroller mom instead.

 

Children are for fake news friend reveals.

 

Children are family upgrades knowing Grandma resorted to throwing cutlery at Grandpa because she couldn’t deal with being a stay at home mom in Australia fondling Elephant ball size avocados.

 

Children are for the veneer of securing your good guy non-divisive stature on LinkedIn in the hopes of scoring future employment to prevent your children from starving to death.

 

Children are for creating richer, fuller dreams to impregnate with greater doer possibility.

 

Children are for Uncles to be non-involved with.

 

Children are for dream catching without having to schlep to Sedona in February for 60-degree weather in the what’s supposed to be the 4th hottest place on earth.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

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