I Missed Pleasing You

The Chinese just committed to buying 10 million metric tons of US Soy Beans. Who knew President Trump would make Mock Meats miso great to stock holders of Whole Foods.

Int. Cantina
Older couple looks at my duck tacos.
Stay At Home Comedian
Loved everything but the Duck Tacos. They’re gummier than Denture Breath Pelosi during the State of the Union.

Older couple laughs long time.

I really want to like Donald Trump Jr. more than I do. He’s the rebel because he was a ski bum bartender for a year, yay. He defends his father well but his prose sounds more jilted than Eric Trump after someone dropped some E into his Arnold Palmer.

 

Rod Stewart is known for his work ethic and could’ve been a professional football player, blah, blah, blah. Still, in his so called rocking prime, he sounds like a flat, whiny wheeze hag, no amount of gel can conceal.

I have no idea if they have footage of Bob Kraft in the massage parlor or not. Still, I find it hard to believe Bob Kraft would frequent a 55 dollar an hour massage parlor knowing what black book puss he can order door to door.

Dad
Do you believe Climate Change is an important issue?
Stay At Home Comedian Son
You live in Arizona and don’t even have solar panels to reflect your reusable talking points from MSNBC.

Boomer Dad
The Democrat Party hasn’t been radicalized.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
And the media which promotes their race baiting propaganda are objective truth seekers, hellbent on exposing and punishing the real treasonous usurpers of our US government.

 

 

INT. Arizona Estate Shrine Home
Boomer Dad
You want to read my diary observations from our cross country trip out West last summer?
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Is not calling on my birthdays 2 years in a row listed as dust in the wind?

 

Boomer Dad
The Democrat Party hasn’t been radicalized.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
They won’t stand to applaud for ICE agents keeping Americans comfy and warm. Is your attitude Uncle John, AKA, Sir Snort A Lot, will get his drugs anyway, come rain or shine?

Int. Horse Trail
Dad’s horse isn’t moving fast.
Stay At Home Comedian Son
Kick your horse before mine bumps into it.
Pretend your kicking Jonathan out of the house again for boarding school because the demons made him steal from your ATM.

Int. Southwest
Old Dude
I liked the NBA in the eighties.
Stay At Home Comedian
When ESPN didn’t exist to provide a safe space for Lebron Jame’s ego?

Old Dude laughs long time.
Int. Airport Security
Daughter
Why did the guy pat you down so aggressively?
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
He sodomized his freshman roommate during his Crow phase and got away with it. I don’t think he shot blanks either.

Int. Southwest
Flight Attendant
Those traveling with children, why.
Stay At Home Comedian
Because we’re not Lena Dunham.
She admitted to wanting an abortion to exercise her feminist right to fight off the albatross of motherhood.

INT. Arizona
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
You won’t even try a bite of Natalia’s Sole Francese?
Boomer Dad
I already made my steak.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
So you’re not one to keep us hanging on like Vanilla Fudge or Jussie Smollet.

Ext. Family Horse Ride-AZ
Dad
Talking to yourself?
Stay At Home Comedian Son
I’m not the crazy one who still thinks big bad Mueller will blow away Don Lemon with his Altoids powered breathed findings.

I haven’t pissed on myself in 15 years, passed out on the couch sure, but losing control of my bladder 3 kids later on vacation. Means, God gave me kids to sober up already. Party Animal DNA rears it’s ugly head again.

 

Wife Nurse’s Friend
I sense you can become great if you stop caring about other’s people’s limited opinions of what you’re capable of.
Stay At Home Comedian
You mean the stay at home dad she male stain of shame?

Int. Airport Security
TSA
A bio on Elton John, a crayon drawing of princess in distress, a hippie magnet of Janis Joplin.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Granted, Marilyn was no virgin. I still think ISIS will take me in.

Wife’s Nurse Friend
Arizona has no culture.
Stay At Home Comedian
New York had Lou Reed, Ray Romano, Jackson Pollock and Tony Soprano. At least we still got Louie coming to grips with his jerk around the clock in a NY minute ways.

INT. Arizona Home
Mom
Who knew my son would become such a gourmand.
Stay At Home Comedian
Living in West Hollywood for 4 years made my shishy bitch metamorphosis complete.

EXT. Hooters-Phoenix
Daughter
Daddy, what’s Hooters?
Stay At Home Comedian
A legal nightmare if under gender for a waitress application, Hooter’s fails to include the appropriate pronoun nipple tits.

 

Int. Monorail-Phoenix, Arizona
Laborer hushes my 2 year old son.
Wife
He’s being playful.
Stay At Home Comedian
I’d feel better if he smiled like George Lopez at the Staples Center with a pocket full of residual checks.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

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