Showing Off At The Apollo

Int. Apollo-Harlem

Stay At Home Comedian

Colin Kaepernick has a fake news fro right? Have you ever seen a bi-racial afro that large before? Slash from Guns and Roses tried and it was a total flop.


Michael Kornbluth is a mouthful, I know. Kim Kardashian can’t wrap her mouth around it. But she helped usher in life changing prison reform. So I’m just an asshole loudmouth, minus rich friends in comparison.

Does my white polo scream white privilege? Yes but I don’t think F. Scott Fitzgerald got his Polo shirts at an outlet store in Lake George either.


Caitlyn Jenner says she never hears from his daughters anymore. If I made 50 grand every time I posted a pic doing Soul Cycle at Porcupine Puss Fit, I’d be in no rush to dial up pops either.


If I caught my son playing with dolls. I wouldn’t quit hosting the Oscars, to downplay my ties to the gay hip hop mafia. I’d also urge my son to wrap Peckerwood, before making a move on Polynesian Barbie.


Saying Canada is our most important alley is like saying Meek Mill was Jay Z’s number 2 boy at Roc a Fella records over Beanie Sigel back in the day and sound just as ridiculous and meaningless.


Who does Obama hate more, black people or my people the Jews? Obama did nuke gift Iran 1.5 billion on his way out the door. And it wasn’t to lessen the economy’s reliance on the sales of face wax for the Kardashians.


Black people really don’t like Lebron James, right? Lebron’s like Obama with talent. When Lebron loses in the finals, do you think Obama tears into his secret stash of Almond Joys in the basement behind a box of duct tape from Costco?


I’d go down on Pam Grier now over Gisele any day of the week.
Gisele’s still a super model but she’s still 80 in model years.
Plus, I’ll take the smell of coco butter on Jackie Brown over Avocado oil slathered on Giselle any day of the week.


Most passive aggressive suicide note of 2018 goes to Kate Spade. Ask Dad.
Ask dad what? Whether I was the one impossible to live with? What a bag of shit Kate.

Joe Biden’s getting paid 150K for speeches about whether he plans on challenging Trump for the Presidency of the United States. “Please run, Joe.” These people act like Obama’s Gail Sayer’s magic of yesteryear will rub off on the second coming of Brian Piccolo.

My impersonation of Russell Simmons. Read my lisp. I never raped any of those vengeful, over the hill ho’s.

This is business merger talk between Dr. Dre and Eminem. Hey Slim, Microsoft paid 1.6 bill for LinkedIn. Word…., LinkedIn is lamer than ever yoh.

Georgetown apologized for slavery. Took long enough. Now apologize to Allen Iverson for allowing him to blow off Mo Money Management 101 from Do Rags To Riches.

Ban Ice because Homeland Security was so weapons of mass destruction years.

I wish LavarBall was my sub coach dad growing up.
He’d throw me a house party at home and only invite stuck up Jenny from the block. 2 minutes in, he barks. The Yahoo bottle, doesn’t spin itself, bitch.

If LaVarBall was my substitute coach dad growing up, he’d get Rihanna to pop my cherry so I’d feel like a big baller in junior high. How’d do you do it pops? I gave Rihanna future profit participation points in Ballerwear son.

I hear Trump banned Motley Crue from playing at his inauguration after Jared Kushner got tense. Insisting Tommy Lee would come off as too alt-rightish. Stressing: My Hebrew Hammer is no match Dad.

Crazy white girls on CNN calling Trump the Anti-Christ. But in the New Testament, Jesus defeats him. So have some faith in the Jesus comeback story, CNN Chickenheads.

Bill De-Blasio’s, African American wife used to be a hard core Lesbian but we’re supposed to believe garlic breath converted her? Plus, he eats pizza with a fork and knife. So can you really picture big bird burying his peak into her bean pie with such sloppy abandon?
Remember when it took Hillary Hammer Time Cankles 5 times to get her Metrocard to work? By swipe 5, she mumbles to herself. Super Predators are looking. You can do it. But she quotes Hamilton like a dumpier Chuck D. So she’s alright.


The End


Michael Kornbluth








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