Less Than Zero Money

Int. Car
Stay At Home Comedian
Matilda, I can’t believe I’ve been your dad for 8 years and my net worth is still less than zero.
Daughter
You just need richer friends who can afford multiple divorces and six figure country club fees.

5 year old son Art Show USA freaks out over his Blue Angels toy plane. I explain to him.

The Blue Angels are the Cirque du Soleil of the Air Force. There’s no way Maverick flips them off if they set their sights on him.

Int. Home-After School

Daughter
Cody is off the list.
He said my Giraffe portrait was weird.
Stay At Home Comedian
Next time, tell him, no self-respecting artist would ever agree to do his portrait because he’s too ugly. And they wouldn’t want to puke all over their supplies.

 

Has Dave Chappelle defended the performance art of R. Kelly today? Despite R. Kelly’s defense lacking any substantial objection against being the R&B Elvis during his interview with Gayle King.

I’m no horn dog Gayle.  I don’t prey on underage black girls nobody cares about it. That makes no sense.

 

This is Russell Simmons denying rape allegations in an interview with Gayle King.

Read my lisp Gayle. I didn’t rape any of those vengeful, over the hill, ho’s.

 

Int. Car
Stay At Home Comedian
No more Adderall Matilda.
It prevents me from imposing my star power onto the world.
I’ve got enough jokes to slay with already.
Daughter
Score an MC job at a fancy country club and get me a prettier, richer mama to babysit us already.

Int. Car
Stay At Home Comedian
Matilda, I can’t believe I’ve been your dad for 8 years. No more Adderall. Raising you on speed has made the time fly too fast.
Matilda
Relax Dada. Now, you’re more empathetic to 50’s housewife’s on Mad Men.

 

Anyone who names their kid Bowie. Wants them to live out their unfulfilled sexual desires. Sorry, it made me laugh. Last, Bowie was just creepy in Labyrinth who was more androgynous witch than evolved sexual liberator humanist.

 

Int. Home Office

Watching Easy Money with my 8 year old daughter.

Daughter
Daddy, what’s foreplay?
Stay At Home Comedian
A massage at the Orchid Spa before paying for the bonus round.

Daughter
What’s a bonus round?

Stay At Home Comedian
A sushi roll with extra salmon roe on top.

 

Rodney Dangerfield explaining Easy Money references to his real life daughter at home.

What’s a virgin Daddy? Barbara Bush’s anorexic sister. She’s all skull and bones.

Goldman Sachs is relaxing their dress code. Junior Research Analysts are wearing just suspenders and pants for Robin Williams drunk on Fire Island popping, poppers appreciation day.

 

This is Mario Batali confessing to Gayle King.
Did I inhale my sous chef’s hair from behind the hot stove? Yes, the smell of crackling Porchetta on her backside was too hot to resist.

Stay At Home Comedian
Did grandma says, “too ambitious”, when you asked about whether they give out scholarships for art?
Daughter
How did you know?
Stay At Home Comedian
You said, but I’m a “great artist”, being forced into sounding defensive. Welcome to my world kid.

 

Silence the Palestinian debate. What’s being debating exactly? Is Hamas claiming they don’t use UN money to build death tunnels to kidnap and murder Jewish children? They just use the UN paid for tunnels for games of hide & go seek?

 

Int. Country Club Fundraiser-Greenwich, CT

Stay At Home Comedian

Lindsey Vonn choked at the Olympics because Tiger Woods told Trump she was “overrated” in the sack. Tiger says. She’s no Stormy Daniels Don. And I would know from personal experience.

 

Gave up beer for Lent this year. I got tired of freezing my ass off outside. Spending so much time hungover, recycling, endless reminders of my lushyness, as more Rocky Marathons on AMC passed me by.

 

Facebook made baby boomers the laziest grandparent generation of all time. You lifted a finger to like a pic, congratulations. Your only steady face time with grandkids is with your smart phones. Thanks for Facebook, Good Will Hoodie.

 

3 kids is brave, I hear this whenever I’m out with my kids in public.
Woody Allen leaving his stash of Soon Yi’s Time Life Polaroid picks in his top sock drawer for safe keeping, is brave.

 

How scary is Vince McMahon?
I wrote a line for WWE star Chris Jericho for America’s Hard 100 about being the only wrestler in the business who can still get rock hard. He refused to repeat it.

 
This is Mad Dog Chris Russo at the deli when it’s time to order. Ahhhhhhhhhh, Craig Carton is a real piece of shit. He’s the Artie Lang of Sports Radio minus the 2 funny movie credits. Tuna on wheat thanks.

 
Almost got into a fistfight arguing Caddy Shack 2 was funnier than the 1st at my last Christmas Party. His girlfriend broke up with him the following week. I call this douche bag karma. Oh, so you hate tiny Jews to?  I can’t complain.  This big headed Jew kept you gentiles “hypnotized” long enough.

 

The End

By,

Micahel Kornbluth

 

 

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