The Pescatarian Comedians

My daughter upstaging me as usual, addressing her younger brother.
“You’ll never know anything I don’t know because I’m older than you.”

My daughter not dealing well with hard genetic science.
Daddy, what if I’m 1 percent black? You’d sing with improved soul and attack the rim with higher hopper authority. Daughter replies. Kill yourself, daddy, kill yourself.

Michael Jackson’s less harmful legacy.
Ruining Weird Al children books with my kids.
Daddy, can we watch the Fat video again?
The animated feeling has lost it’s loving feeling, sorry kids.
I’m sick to my stomach, you know it.

Int. Car
Stay At Home Comedian
Did you just call Jane or did she call you?
Younger Brother
I called her. She’s my fiance.
Stay At Home Comedian
2nd in 2 years. Still, feels excessive.
But fine, her presence is impossible to live without.

Int. Sushi Restaurant
Younger Brother
What about Charlottesville?
Stay At Home Comedian
Will have zero impact on Ivanka becoming the 1st Jewish, woman US president in 2024. I agree. Let’s see what a proud converter Jew feminist mom is then.

Int. Sushi Restaurant
Younger Brother
What about Charlottesville?
Stay At Home Comedian
There were peaceful protesters present along with ANTIFA & the bussed in screenshot of KKK extras from central castings in polo shirts and tiki torches.

Obama’s former aide contacted Chicago PD about having his FBI loyalists take over the Jussie Smollet case. How beloved is Obama in his sweet home Chicago? When he get’s a royal f you from the Chicago PD instead. John Hughes beloved, he’s not.

Every Trump fight instigated by the resistors resistance to factual based reality ends with, I can refute 5 of your facts with 10 more. At this point, just save your breath and utter Ivanka 2024, 1st Jewish, woman US president. You’re welcome.

 

Int. Sushi Restaurant
Younger Brother
What about Charlottesville?
Stay At Home Comedian
It wasn’t only a white supremacist rally.
It was also a monument to fake news appeasing ANTIFA led violence against Trump supporters and MAGA hats moron.

Brother
What about Charlottesville?
Stay At Home Comedian
Robert E. Lee called slavery a moral political evil. And Trump electrician supporters aren’t dismantling Airport TV’s paid to play CNN’s staged hate crimes to trigger a new civil war.

Arizona Police Feds seized 45,000 Fentanyl pills in 2 operations.
It wasn’t the spring cleaning Obama was hoping for.

Omar’s an easy target because she’s a black Muslim. I thought it was because she converted to Judaism like Ivanka being such a moderate, progressive minded voice of Islam in the House of Representatives, my bad.

Int. Sushi Restaurant
Younger Brother
What about Charlottesville?
Stay At Home Comedian
The monument being taken down wasn’t of Al Sharpton. And he forced a black girl to lie about being raped by a NYPD officer. But now you’re a Spike Lee fan?

Baby Face Omar is an easy target because she’s a black Muslim. But Obama avoided any hard questions about his faith and he’s way prettier. His Farsi dialect doesn’t sound blood thirsty gruff either. You want to talk one of the prettiest sounds on earth.

Border Wall supporters follow the white supremacy agenda? But the Klan would attempt to chase down Jesse Owens, not Speedy Gonzalez. Also, the Klan never feared their woman speeding into Speedy’s arms if given the chance, just saying.

Memo to Stephen Colbert:
What Trump is doing to the nation is horrible? What you’ve done to the state of American comedy is the real travesty dude. But taking pictures with John Podesta is a great look twerp. Sure you got nothing to hide but being funny anymore.

Trump emboldens white Nationalists Tim Kaine? How would you know? Does your son’s Crystal Meth dealer follow POTUS on Twitter? And since when are white nationalists cool with Jewish grandchildren populating the White House, on Bank Holidays? Just curious Tiny Tim.

What the left has become blows. I hate JK Rowling but who cares if she outed any fictional freak figures of her creation. Stop being so you know what about it.

I retrieve a nifty Nerf football down a high mountain with my 2 kids. Wife looks down on me holding baby with disgust.

Do It All Dad
What, I’m teaching my kids the importance of not throwing away money?
Wife
Then, why don’t you have life insurance yet?

Ext. Mountain Hike-NY
Daughter
Mimi acts like us moving to Arizona is convenient for us but it’s really just more convenient for them. Plus, they hate you Dada for supporting Trump. So you shouldn’t give them the satisfaction.

When it rains in Scottsdale, Arizona it looks like a wet pile of rocks.

Brother
The world doesn’t revolve around you kids.
Stay At Home Comedian
Mine does, so they don’t end up like you.
But playing the victim of addiction for 2 decades. Who can’t stop being a lying, scumbag has done wonders for your imagination so far.

 

INT. Sushi Restaurant
Younger Brother
ANTIFA aren’t domestic terrorists.
I watch Vice and Bill Maher.
Stay At Home Comedian
They fire bomb buildings in Berkeley because big bad, Ben Shapiro came to town for a speech on 2nd amendment rights.

Int. Car
Younger Brother
My coke dealer who only sells me adderall
now wants to meet you.
Stay At Home Comedian
Does he check in with you more than I do?
Also, am I supposed to be excited about coming face to face with your white angel of death?

Anyone who says I’m friends with Trump lovers means they don’t love you if you love Trump to. You have boys who love Trump dude? And you’re cool with it. Despite turning Albino white when I called ANTIFA domestic terrorists, you mush brained mook.

Int. Car

Brother
The world doesn’t revolve around you kids.
Mom and dad had 2 kids and both worked.
Stay At Home Comedian
I played alone with GI Joe figures till age 16.
And you were shipped off to boarding school at 15. Mr. Rogers, watch out.

 

I love it when younger, dressed up girls do selfies across the train from me on their way to White Plains, NY for St. Patricks Day . It means my ring is making them green with envy. And I no longer feel so excessively Jewish around House of Pain.

 

Int. Home
Wife
Don’t expect me to do cartwheels over your latest and greatest genius idea.
Any money for you to produce now would be nice.
Stay At Home Comedian
I can’t wait to see how excited you’re for me when I start booking gigs at Country Clubs in Connecticut.

Judge Jeanine’s gone hard at the vermin for trying to derail the Trump Train bound for glory from the start. But she can’t say Sharia Law on TV? What’s upheld in Europe right now? Besides no go zones being safe spaces for Palestinian freedom fighters.

 

Ext. Mobil
Younger Brother
You need weed to hang out with me?
Stay At Home Comedian
I’m not here to jerk off your Facebook posts about banning all guns or show interest in how you listen to Crosby Stills to minimize hate in your life now.

 

Brother
What about Charlottesville?
Stay At Home Comedian
They were good, God loving peaceful white protesters in attendance, protesting the taking down of the Robert E. Lee statue. He called slavery a moral evil like the UN, Rape Wood, John Podesta’s email chains, etc.

I cried at least twice when I saw the footage of President Trump sign his veto for his national declaration act. The Angel moms are so strong. The love and respect in the oval office at this moment was so palpable. Finally, felt a change is going come Mr. Sam Cooke.

INT. CAR-MOBIL GAS STATION
Younger Brother
You need weed to hang out with me?
Stay At Home Comedian
I just bought you a piece and about to score you a huge bag for not much, so you can feel like a big shot again. Mom reminds me how important this for you.

Brother
You never check in on me. I lost my job. Why try anymore?
The world doesn’t revolve around your kids.
Stay At Home Comedian
Your shitty Pete Davidson impersonation isn’t moving me one 1 bit. Is the 2 Instagram followers worth it?

Int. Home
Stay At Home Comedian
Doesn’t your maternal instinct always want to hear, mama, mama? Because this way you’re always able to feel appreciated and needed? Granted, they could be crying mama because you don’t love them as well as I do.

Int. Home
Wife
Don’t expect me to cartwheels over your genius idea.
Stay At Home Comedian
Thanks for the final nudge to write my pilot for Crazy, Good, Dada about our family friendly, food sketch comedy show, The Pescatarian Comedians.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

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