5 Remaining Chapter Titles for my upcoming book of essays Falling for Fatherhood, How 3 Kids Got My Act Together. Before my follow up A list, #shadowbanned joke book, Stay At Home Comedian, Controlling My Kids With Comedy, out July 4th 2019, USA, USA.
Hugging It Out With Old Glory, The Boob Doctor, Spring Break in Norway, Kite Flying Depressing Me and Stay At Home Dads Got Nobody.
Stay At Home Dads Got Nobody.
Stay At Home Dads have a bitchy devil in their ear telling them to do adderall because it makes you’ll feel like a more together Betty Draper in Madmen. Banging out laundry and jokes on Twitter with greater determined purpose.
Spring Break In Norway
Norway couldn’t be more kid friendly. You can’t go to a park without stepping on a floor level, mesh trampoline. Our hotel buffet had 5 complimentary different cheese stations. Twitter didn’t #shadowban my tweets for the week.
Kite Flying Depressing Me
My beautiful 4 year old son flies his 1st kite, my father in law just set up for him. I’m depressing, thinking, “I can’t hate my father in law anymore because my dad only sees his grandson once a year because he no longer does the cold.”
Hugging It Out With Old Glory
My dad told the DJ to turn town Jimi’s version of the Star Spangled Banner at my wedding. My kids hug flags on Main Street with real love of country and anti-war songs, personifying descending death and soaring redemptive grace.
Hugging It Out With Old Glory
Did Fake News Fro Kaepernick hug it out with Old Glory after the NFL cut him the largest unemployment check ever recorded? Only in America baby, land of the free and home of collusion tales with less legs than Lieutenant Dan.
My Trump voiced GPS system.
Exit left for Mohegan Sun, Elizabeth Warren’s home away from home.
Calling for a ban of the #ElectoralCollege is equivalent to Elizabeth Warren calling 64 million Trump voters, racist, shit for brains, backwoods hick deplorables. Who don’t know any better than Rape Wood, Good Will Hoodie, Samantha Bee, gross.
This is George Conway at home with his 4 kids watching the Kennedy Award Honers at home.
I’m jealous of my wife. What can she give me you 4 kids can’t? A job in the White House dad.
At Stuyvesant, 74% of current students are Asian-American. So hurry up and complain about what poor role models A plus Asian American students are. Entitled slackers ruin everything.
Memo to Bill Maher:
Beto’s wife, fixated, blank stare was creepy in his presidential announcement video. She gives the kid from the Jeremy video a good run for his money. Wasn’t seeing her belting out alive naked on the Ukulele either.
Another reason to hate the NY Times besides not reporting on Nazi death camps forever.
Devin Nunes Sues Twitter For Allowing Accounts to Insult Him
If Nunes came out as a Trans PLO activist, in a Hijab, he’d be made in the shade.
Int. Smoke Shop
Pregnant Smoke Shop employee face times her baby.
Stay At Home Comedian
Thanks for rubbing my degenerate druggy past in my face. Face-Timing your kid as I take my sweet ass time selecting a new bowl with my 3 kids at home.