Do It All Dad Pride

Bhagavad Gita study with my kids before bed.
Nirvana, state of inner calm is impossible for Roger because he’s ruled by selfish drug fueled desires and uncontrollable anger when he’s cut off from more or whenever he wakes up sober again, all out of endorphins. And mama says American Dad isn’t educational.

Reply for, “you’ve got your  hands full”, whenever I’m out in public with my 3 kids.
I’m a recovering semi-functional pothead who blanked on asking my wife if she was on the pill or not, remembering something about it making her nauseous in between.

Bob Marley birthed 12 kids. Bob would agree.  Weed stripping your seed of life blasting power is fake news man.

INT. Coffee Shop
Old Lady
That’s one happy baby.
Stay At Home Comedian
Funnier Dad, happier baby.
I’ve seen my wife’s baby pics.
She looks frozen with fear 24/7.

Old lady laughs long time.

INT. GROCERY STORE
Clerk
Do you call your daughter Matilda, Tilly?
Stay At Home Comedian
Like Jennifer Tilly in Bride of Chucky? No, based on mommy, I don’t see my daughter turning out as chesty as Jennifer Tilly.

It’s hard to be your own man as a stay at home dad. When your wife’s smart phone sends her an alert, every time you make another questionable purchase. Wife calls, “Hey babe, so how was Bride of Chucky? ”

Int. Supermarket-AM
Old Lady
You’ve got your hands full.
Father of 3 In Public
If my wife agreed to an open marriage with Katy Perry, my hands would be full.
You’re looking at me like wrong time and place for sexual innuendo material references I’m out of touch with.

I hate well paid union men who engage in cliched Lotto talk at the deli. 700 hundred million would be too much but 10 million would be great. I have 3 kids to send to college. Cashier is thinking, it’s not my fault Bruce Springsteen doesn’t give you royalty points for ripping off your life pal.

Dirt on Dirt on Netflix
Mick Mars having to pay child support, with his spine turning to stone, couldn’t have had a more urgent call to action before he become the Freddy Kruger of shred metal.

Nikki Sixx makes cool look effortless.

Evite idea pitch.
Birthday tour of the White House with my 5 groomsmen and family of 5. The tour is a 10 person minimum. But the entertainment factor exceeds any shitty bringer show at Broadway Comedy Club, I dragged you to in the past, if Trump leads it.

Tempting Call

Dad, remember when you said, nobody cares about my political opinions?
Do you feel the same way about Maddow now? Or doe she get a pass because she puts mom to sleep for you? So you’re free with Topless Tudors 1 room over.

Reply when my 2 year old boy is called a she by mistake.

He hit the genetic lotto I know. Dad doesn’t so look hot in a wig or long hair. I’ve tried.

My teenage bedroom was a giant homage to she male hair metal.

Nelson Brothers, yummy.

Chapter books for kids over picture books aren’t worth the hype. I mean who packs their kids wax cheese to play with anymore? Aren’t hipster spawn today more likely to discuss the experimental leanings of dad’s Lou Reeds record collection on wax?

Tempting Call Part 2
Dad, remember when you said, nobody cares about my political opinions?
Do you feel the same way about Uni Brow Maddow now? Or do you let her off the hook because she puts mom to sleep each night so you can whack it to Casualties of Anal after dark?

Explaining to my son he was the only kid planned out of our precious 3 in total.

Son replies. So I’m better than everyone? Constantly reminding me how much you prefer nights with mama over me when she isn’t working doesn’t help your cause. Give it time kid.

Ray Romano spec script title ideas still applicable today.

What?
What?
What?

But I’m sure talk of my friends staying at the Trump suite in DC is really what you pissed you off about inviting my friends to DC for my birthday jamboree.

 

Replies next time some concerned stranger points out my kids runny nose.

I don’t produce weak sperm.

He’s building up his immunity to hypersensitive pussies like yourself.

My boy’s name is Snot from Revenge of the Nerds. I’m his master.

INT. BOOKSTORE
Stay At Home Comedian enters with his beautiful 2 year old boy.
Clerk
Hi,
Stay At Home Comedian
He knows how to make his presence felt doesn’t he?

Clerk laughs.

Stay At Home Comedian
Chosen curls was bound to woo, what about you?
Clerk
Are you flirting with me through your baby freak? Keep it up, I like it.

Brutal Flashback
Younger Brother
The world doesn’t revolve around your kids.
3 kids, 8 years later, you, mom and dad babysitting our 3 kids a grand total of 3 times gave me this distinct impression already. But you’ve still got demon issues to work out. Got it.

Performance Enhancing Drugs are overrated. If I took them at sleep away camp in Kent, Connecticut, I would’ve struck out at a more accelerated speed.

INT. Supermarket
Clerk
Are you Catholic?
Stay At Home Comedian
Because I told you my name is Michael who defeats the devil? No, I’m Jewish actually and I’m a speed joke devil with a cause and I’m going platinum. What do you think of an Ivanka, Kid Rock ticket?

 

New replies to a stranger  pointing out my 2 year old boy being dressed in pajamas outside of the house.

He looks better than Hugh Hefner did or if you were born pretty like Orlando Bloom you’d shop for mandarins in Uggs to.

New friendship litmus test. Invite your friends for a birthday party tour of the White House, stressing the fact it’s a 10 a person minimum and how Trump leads the tour offering far more enjoyment than any bringer standup show at the Boston Comedy Club on Crashing.

I’m a lifelong Yankee fan and #PinstripePride rubs me the wrong way like Jussie Smollet chilling on a Lucky Charm float at the Gay Pride parade. Or Jussie Smollet getting to play the clownish Chocolate Mousse in the remake of Top Secret.

Brutal Reveal
Old friend from High School admits. I’m a season ticket holder now. I reply. But I thought you didn’t want to give money to James Dolan for offering such a consistently shitty product. Or has Maddow just lowered your standards of good ROI all together?

Is it me or is the majority of NY suffering from major Mueller hangover report? I’ve never seen so many hate stare filled hunchbacks in broad daylight in my life. Too bad the worst is yet to come, you mush brained mooks.

Whenever my wife says, do it all dad, it upsets me because I feel like she’s mocking me because this stay at home dad doesn’t have his books out yet to sell or made money from the podcast yet. Then again, she thinks warming up fish sticks is making dinner.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

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