Flax Seeds Are Off The List Honestly

Do It All Dad Advice
Son, never tell a girl to hold it.
Can you please hold it? Would work in your favor though.

INT. CAR
Stay At Home Comedian
I think my Dunkin Donuts turkey sausage power breakfast on flatbread needs more flaxseeds. Eating it was like going down on a bird feeder.

Watching the Doors with my kids.
Aren’t those canals in Venice Beach cool?
I want to live there.
It’s become a giant tent street.
Moonlight drives are no longer as scenic.
Tripping on acid there could get ugly real fast also.

INT. STOP AND SHOP
Cashier
Do you have ID?
Stay At Home Comedian
Pretend I’m an illegal alien who can’t speak a word of English.

VP Joe Biden skinny dipping in his DE estate home surrounded by Secret Service detail.
Told you I was bigger than boogie boarder.

Explaining the MAGA hat to my kids.
The hate represents unapologetic pride in American exceptionalism. In other words, it’s a huge middle finger directed at every sore loser whose made the past 2 years a living hell for parties.

Mushy Soy Boy trying too hard to prove he’s no toxic masculinity offender on a 1st date with Natasha Romanoff’s baby sister. I think all women of Russian descent should be given equal access to Russian Spy job openings in the KGB.

Int. Bedroom
Wife
Can you put Broccoli in your peanut noodle dish next time?
Stay At Home Comedian
I was thinking carrots instead. My dish, my call. But I appreciate your effort to turn me into a neutered hipster, fake feminist.

INT. Car
Stay At Home Comedian
500 podcasts downloads in one day, means the Do It All Dad Year Podcast is cooking. There’s no other young voice out there which can compare.
Daughter
You mean no other 20 year old’s host a podcast?

EXT. HOUSE
Stay At Home Comedian
Matilda, call me a pussy if I whip out my North Face fleece for a 2 second walk to the deli.

2 seconds later.

Daughter
You fulfilled your pussy prophecy dad, congratulations, you big pussy.

INT. KITCHEN

Stay At Home Comedian

You were crushing the whiffle ball yesterday Matilda, going yard every time.

Daughter
When Cody at school hits a home run he calls it a dinger.

Stay At Home Comedian

Great your 2nd grade crush is Mr. Ding Donger in the flesh.

Whenever I hear the mention of low wage labor on droning Mark Levin podcasts, I become ashamed about my IT Recruiter background in LA knowing I could’ve made more money selling oranges to acid freaks on Venice Beach.

Explaining Shamans to my kids with the Doors on.
Shamans are medicine men who heal sick people after they puke out peyote buttons.

Felicity Hoffman at the Bel Air Country Club with the girls.

If she wanted to be an actress, her shitty SAT scores wouldn’t matter. Can you picture Cher feeling the need to increase her word power, trying to converse with Greg Allman?

Kids getting jealous over Bruce Lee.
Daddy, what’s one thing Bruce Lee wasn’t good at?
Fart control from too much soy.

Nothing gets me more pumped than reading John Cho leads the cast for the live action adaptation of Cowboy Bebop. Does he play the Asian version of a blind Charlie Parker? Who laid down tracks on the Orient Express before he gets signed by Columbia Records?

 

Son bitching about his big sister.
Matilda, always wants to play family. And I’m tired of playing the white dad whose always apologizing like an ineffectual pussy like every heartbroken putz in a Chicago Song. How can I go on?

The main event for Wrestlemania this year has Ronda Rousey, Becky Lynch and Charlotte Flair in a Triple Threat match. If you have zero interest in watching this match, then your toxic masculinity doesn’t bother you one bit.

Asshole Observation
On the book cover of Reese Witherspoon’s southern goth lifestyle meets Bel Air chic cookbook, Whiskey in a Teacup, she’s covering her chin with a teacup on purpose. Friends in it aren’t as flattering in polka dots either.

INT. DELI
Stay At Home Comedian
A bag would be great.
I’ll do it myself. Thanks for nothing.

INT. HOME
Stay At Home Comedian
Play Honestly by Stryper at my funeral.
Wife
Write a living will then.
Stay At Home Comedian
I’ve got 2 best sellers to finish 1st.
Or else the rest of my will won’t have much to give.

 

INT. HOME
Stay At Home Comedian
Wouldn’t it be nice if God was flattered by our constant praise and admiration of his handy work? Imagine God no longer grumbling in your head, obey my law or else.

Wife
You’re talking like a real Christian.
Of course Jesus finally talks to you through Christian Hair Metal.

Stay At Home Comedian
To hell with the speed devil trying to trick me into thinking he’s responsible for my comedy gold making, not you Lord. I’m giving up the Adderall this time forever.  I promise God, honestly.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

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