Do It All Dad’s 2 Hours Off

INT. POTTERY FACTORY B-DAY PARTY
Mom
Arthur is here.
Birthday Girl shrugs, acting like she can’t be bothered.
Stay At Home Comedian
Get over yourself kid, you’re no Demi Moore in the making.

INT. BAR-DAY
New Bud
She doesn’t know who Lauryn Hill is.
Stay At Home Comedian
I forgot what Millennial Mouseketeer Bubble I was infiltrating. I’m the crazy non bald-head Fugees nation. I wonder if Chappelle ever banged her.

Failing to close on my daughter on watching #Wrestlemania today.
It’s the 1st all female main event.

Daughter replies.

And you’re just going to make me feel bad for not being as bad ass as they are. And my feelings are real daddy.

INT. BEDROOM
Daughter
On this card, is says mommy loves your handwriting. Which we all know is impossible. This proves mama was in love with you once upon a time in Brooklyn. When Lena Dunham had skinnier arms and wasn’t so full of herself.

INT. Microbrewery
Stay At Home Comedian
They should make a Coors Light flavored toothpaste, so I don’t taste anything afterwards.

Bartender laughs long time.

INT. HOME
Stay At Home Comedian
Babe, do you want one more puff?
Wife
Someone has to parent.
Stay At Home Comedian
If the kids misbehave, just order Alexa to play Bjork on repeat.

The one thing a Do It All Dad doesn’t want to hear on a Sunday before getting his power hour write on.

“Can someone play with me?”

Good to know my wife is busy parenting as usual. Nothing is gonna stop her now.

INT. HOME-NIGHT
Stay At Home Comedian
Babe, do you want one more puff?
Wife
Someone has to parent.
Stay At Home Comedian
It’s already getting late. So you read a chapter of Ivy and Bean to the kids with stony glazed wonderment.

INT. BAR-DAY
MILF
You look like a celebrity.
Stay At Home Comedian
Your star fucking me with your eyes right now, aren’t you?
But yeah, I get confused for Vince Vaughn before he let himself go from good living, good living.

INT. BAR-DAY
MILF
I’ll have whatever white you have.
That’s dry like me.
Stay At Home Comedian
That’s nothing a pair of Juicy sweats and me grinding you from behind, can’t solve in your dreams.

INT. HOME
Wife’s Friend
Men should barbeque meat.
Stay At Home Comedian
But I made the salsa, marinated the meat, cleaned the house and busy entertaining a husband who can’t stand you already, future baby or not.

INT. HOME
Wife’s Friend
Men should barbeque meat.
Stay At Home Comedian
But I marinated it and busy entertaining your husband more than you ever could. But good luck competing with Motley Crue’s Too Fast for Love in the garage.

A dirty white boy, wheel barreled dirt in to fill potholes along a highway in Michigan because his mom and grandmother got a flat tire on it prior. Rashida Tlaib accused him of Islamaphobia because he doesn’t support UN funded death tunnels.

INT. POTTERY FACTORY B-DAY PARTY
Mom
Arthur is here.
Birthday Girl shrugs, acting like she can’t be bothered.
Stay At Home Comedian
Nice fairy wings, I didn’t know Tinkerbell was more passive aggressive than my mother.

INT. HOUSE
Daughter
Daddy this card mommy wrote you says, I love how you kiss Blondie.
Whose Blondie?
Stay At Home Comedian
Time for foreplay before you 3 children were born. Turning our bed into a 24/7 open milk bar.

Beto looks better in a speedo than Obama, most likely, compares President Trump to the 3rd Reich? But sequels never live up to the original Edward Burns Lee.

Is it me or does the news cycle now feel like the gutted ghost of Christmas collusion miracle busts pasts?

INT. GROCERY STORE
Worker
Hanging out with daddy today?
Daughter
Daddy, always hangs out with us.
Stay At Home Comedian
I do a podcast and wrote 2 books about getting paid to hang out with them more. I want my world to revolve my 3 kids, unlike others.

Kids discover a box of old I love this about you and us cue cards from my wife.
Daddy, do you want too see how big your naughty pile is?
I bet it’s thick.
Yes it is daddy.
God, this conversation isn’t my fault.
Forgive me please.

 

INT. CAR
Son
I was the only 1 at the party without a parent.
Stay At Home Comedian
Mommy, told me different.
Plus, mommy has more time away from you than I do.
Last, you’re happy now and you look all grownz up.  You’re a fucking bear and you’re all grownz up and all you’re grownz up. And I couldn’t be prouder of my stud alert on the loose.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

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