I Don’t Work For UBS

Mom letting herself off the hook again.
You’re taking the boys to Manhattan today?
When I saw Bette Midler with dad for Hello Dolly.
You became overwhelmed because Arizona has no condensed, foot traffic to navigate around.

INT. FAO SCHWARTZ -NYC
Stay At Home Comedian
Nice dance display on the piano. I appreciate you highlighting how heavy footed my wife is in comparison. And she’s no blimp either.

INT. MOMA-NYC
Stay At Home Comedian
What did you think of Starry Night Arthur? Yeah, I thought it looked less dreamy in person also. I’ve seen more movement on a half of eighth of mushrooms, lost in my Jim Morrison black light poster.

INT. MOMA-NYC
Stay At Home Comedian
You don’t want know what movie is playing?
Let me guess, another overrated Robert Altman film with endless bores I could give 2 shits about. He directed Popeye and made Robin Williams unfunny.

INT. Joseph Abboud Store-NYC
Worker
Looking for anything in particular?
Stay At Home Comedian
Just exposing my sons to the best threads money has to offer.
After the novelty of white gap shirts wears off from massive shrinkage again.

INT. MOMA-NYC
Stay At Home Comedian
Are you jealous of anything Jackson Pollack ever did Arthur? Yeah, me neither. Ed Harris can make a cold calling realtor compelling.

EXT. MOMA-NYC
Security Guard
The exit for the garden exhibit is to your left.
Stay At Home Comedian
Can’t wait to check out the installation rake on display.
You work at the most overrated museum ever, no offense.

Luke Walton and Lakers have officially decoupled. This is Luke Walton on the phone with dad seconds later. You keep on trucking dad. I need a Nipsey Hussle tattoo today to earn the respect of Generation Z players. My inked out Dead one isn’t getting max free agent players to sign on the dotted line.

INT. PASTA LOVERS-NYC
Stay At Home Comedian
I can’t recall the last time I devoured a penne vodka whole.
Then again, I can’t recall the last time, I gave my wife my adderall to hide, not wanting it again sometime later.

INT. LEGO STORE- MIDTOWN MANHATTAN
Stay At Home Comedian
If I chose to host the Oscars, I wouldn’t back out at the last minute to downplay my ties to the gay hip hop mafia. I don’t work for UBS obviously.

Black Lego Woman Cashier Gal laughs long time.

INT. HOME
Stay At Home Comedian
During my parent teacher conference, I got turned by Mrs. Castalano for the 1st time.
Daughter
Daddy.
Stay At Home Comedian
She doesn’t normally wear makeup right? Her Sicilian olive oil complexion looked glistening scrumptious all of a sudden. Does she do Soul Cycle to keep her legs in such tip top shape? Plus, her laughing at my jokes and ad libs didn’t hurt either.

Trump downplaying ties to Julian Assange
It’s not my deal. He’s gone off the reservation.
Hannity will never admit wanting to blow him.
Seth Rich, yada, yada, yada.
Just google Tony Podesta art work, alright.
Don’t need Wikileaks for it.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

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