Boring In Mandarin

My daughter summing up every fight I ever had with my wife.
Enough Daddy, she got your point, mid-breath.

Fake News Pizza Choking Hazard Scare
Daughter
Daddy, I think baby swallowed a soda cap.
And I can’t enjoy my Sicilian 100% without knowing whether he’s choking to death or not.

Georgetown University apologized for slavery. Apologize over something you had control over like not forcing Allen Iverson to attend summer school and pass Mo Money Management 101 from Do Rags to Riches.

Quit the weed because I couldn’t answer my daughter’s questions quick enough. Daddy, if God created the universe, who created God? God went back in a Time Machine made by Elon Musk? Real convincing dad. Thanks for making an atheist at 4.

Seinfeld auctioned one of his Porsche’s for charity. I hope half the proceeds went to Larry’s kids.

Deblasio married a militant looking black lesbian yet were supposed to believe garlic breath converted her? He eats pizza with a fork and knife. Can you picture Big Bird eating out her bean pie with such sudden sloppy abandon?

INT. APOLLO
Ziggy Marley being interviewed by High Times. Your dad had 12 kids. I thought ganja drained your sack dry. Fake News man.

INT. APOLLO
Lindsey Vonn choked at the Olympics because Tiger told Trump she was “overrated “in the sack. Adding, and I would know from personal experience Don.

INT. APOLLO
I’m a father of 3, I’ve aged well I know.
So has Blair Underwood. So let’s not give props to my white privilege in this sense. Then again, Lebron looks like Halie Selassie keeping his body alive on steroids. You know the real chosen black Jesus.

Not dealing well with learning my son is only in the 50th percentile for height.
If baby Samuel becomes shorter than your English brother, I’ll never forgive you. For your fat Hobbit mom tainting my DNA.

Another reason nobody respects the NY Times anymore.
Felicity Huffman and Lori Louglin played doting mothers. In real life, they are playing far more complex roles. Fake news moralists are as deep as it gets.

Michelle Obama memoir is the best selling one of all time. P.T Barnum’s autobiography outsold the Bible one year. So if Michelle’s book doesn’t sell to more than a billion Muslims. I’m not impressed.

Int. Deli
Stay At Home Comedian
You don’t know who Gregory Hines is, do you?
Older Dude
Do you know who Sammy Davis is?
Stay At Home Comedian
Not as funny in Cannon Ball Run compared to Gregory Hines in History of the World. Got anymore brain busters?

EXT. HARVEST MOON
2 year old son falls hard.
Stay At Home Comedian
Don’t worry, he’s a tough kid.
He used to do extreme wrestling with Terry Funk in Japan back in the day.

Good old boy in a Wrestlemania 2019 shirt & family laughs long time.

INT. HARVEST MOON BAR
Stay At Home Comedian
Have you tried Sammy Hagar’s tequila?
It tastes Van Halen light.
Bartender
That’s a good one.
Stay At Home Comedian
Your laugh said enough already thanks.

EXT. HARVEST MOON FARM
Stay At Home Comedian
Babe, do you think any woman here sporting the bunny ears is an automatic cum guzzler? Also, don’t you feel they’re paganizing the shit out of your lord and savior’s birthday? Just saying.

INT. HARVEST MOON BAR
Son grabs my leg again.
Son
Ice Cream daddy.
Stay At Home Comedian
I got it 5000 years ago kid.
I was refusing to acknowledge the obstacle like they taught me in IT recruiting 101 when hiring managers told me to call HR.

Busting my mom’s balls.
Arthur is getting tall.
You’ve already seen your 2 sons reach their maximum height. I thought reach full blown maturity was a stretch, especially in my younger brother’s case.

INT. CAR
Wife
Do you think we should get a more skinnier yet more durable stroller for DC?
Stay At Home Comedian
Have your mom buy one.
Wife
She’ll be too busy with Easter.
Stay At Home Comedian
But I thought the dog made her more active.

If I was hosting the Oscars, I wouldn’t back at the last sec to downplay my ties to the hip hop gay mafia. If I caught my son playing with dolls. I’d instruct him to wrap up Pecker Wood before knocking boots with Polynesian Barbie.

Remember when it took Hillary Hammer Time Cankles 5 times to get her Metrocard to work? Never losing touch with the working man like Dinero in Bronx Tale. Swipe 5 Huma Licker Breath, utters, Super Predators are looking. You can do it.

420 is Hitler’s birthday. How did Randy Newman never write about song about this? Now, hitting the bong to more Tuff Gong on 420 never felt so wrong.

INT. HOME
Stay At Home Comedian
Breitbart has ads for Amateur night at the Apollo.
It’s a sign from God.
Wife
It’s Cookies tracking your Internet browser history.
Stay At Home Comedian
But I just go on Breitbart to read more Obama bashing comments.

Beyond awkward moment. My 2 year old blond haired, blue eyed son spraying the hose at our adorable, sweet black girl neighbor passing by our house with her friend. She must think my son is the satanic spawn of Ann Coulter.

Megyn Kelly only wore black face on Halloween to show her appreciation for old school Al Jolson Records.

I wish Lavar Ball was my coach dad. He’d make sure I got to 1st base before my younger brother did. He’d only invite stuck up Jenny from the block for a game of spin the bottle. 2 secs in he yells. The Yahoo bottle doesn’t spin itself bitch.

Trump’s the Anti-Christ? Doesn’t Jesus return to defeat him? Have some faith in the Jesus comeback story people? I googled Anti-Christ. At 1st I thought, that’s what Pig Vomit calls Howard in Private Parts, so he can’t that bad.

INT. HOME
Stay At Home Comedian
Breitbart has ads for Amateur night at the Apollo.
It’s a sign from God.
Wife
It’s Cookies tracking your Internet browser history.
Stay At Home Comedian
But I’m not reading about poetry slams about Maxine Waters on Breitbart.

INT. HOME
Stay At Home Comedian
Breitbart has ads for Amateur night at the Apollo.
It’s a sign from God.
Wife
It’s Cookies tracking your Internet browser history.
Stay At Home Comedian
But I always blank on typing in interracial amateur porn.

INT. HOME
Wife
The bouncy ball was an air blocker.
No wife deserves to be huffed at as often as me.
Stay At Home Comedian
Come here babe, I got an air blocker for you.
I’ll be huff free in 5 minutes I promise.

EXT. HARVEST MOON
Daughter
Your editor sounds pretty mouthy Dad.
She can’t talk to you like that.
It’s like talking back to the President.
Stay At Home Comedian
You’re 24/7 untoppable.

Daughter
Daddy, can I get one more sip of Rose.?
Mom
No.
Daughter
But it’s Spring Break.
Stay At Home Comedian.
Sold and hilarious. Ivanka’s daughter would’ve just said something boring in Mandarin.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

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