Fuck The Apollo

My daughter summarizing every fight I’ve ever had with my wife. Stop talking Dada. Mama got your point midbreath. Can you believe my daughter’s 2nd grade teacher says she has a hard time summarizing things?

INT. BARBERSHOP
Stay At Home Comedian
I loved the NBA when it didn’t exist as a safe space for Lebron’s James sprained ego.

Barber laughs longtime.

This is Ziggy Marely being interviewed by High Times on 420. Ziggy, your father had 12 kids. But I thought weed drained your ball sack dry. Fake news man.

My resistor mother.
I like the picture with the 3 kids by the reflector pool. And of course the one with you and the 3 kids. The picture was in front of the White House. She can’t even utter the White House in the same breath as her grandchildren.

I’ve reached the conclusion. I’m not a black out Alcoholic. But more of a mindful lush who understands his limitations and total lack of control if a bottle of bourbon in my presence at home after nightfall. So I don’t bring it home.

EXT. SOUTH STREET
Friend
The economy would crash without illegals.
Stay At Home Comedian
But they don’t pay taxes and send all their cash back to Mexico through Western Union. And lawnmower man isn’t racking up VR startup money either.

EXT. SOUTH STREET
Friend
Do you believe in the Alt Right?
Stay At Home Comedian
It’s a made up term, designed to silence truth talkers like Islamophobia, ANTIFA branding themselves as the anti-fascist party. The alleged leader Milo, blows black dudes, dude.

How does a Seagram heiress get involved in an upstate sex cult? I thought the Podesta brothers preferred their kiddie pool parties by the swamp. Did she own pedo artwork depicting kids with gags to make Marilyn Manson blush?

Yenta on MetroNorth failing at telling her friends how much she hates NYC during the summer.
At least in Florida, I don’t have to wear black to work. So on my way to the beach I might get lost in a sea of #MAGA hats, no big deal.

 

INT. IRISH BAR-D.C
High School Associate
Even if you bomb at the Apollo, it still takes balls.
Stay At Home Comedian
Once an asshole, always an asshole. You can’t help yourself, obviously.

LavarBall as my coach dad growing up would make sure I got to 1st base before my younger brother did. He’d only invite stuck up Jenny from the block for a game of spin the bottle. 2 secs in, he barks. The Yoohoo bottle, doesn’t spin itself bitch.

I love Trump’s relentless optimism. If he was diagnosed with HIV today. He’d tweet tomorrow morning. Do I have HIV? Yes, but my T-Cell count numbers have never been stronger. I’ve created the perfect non partisan joke I know.

Describing my endless wait for auditioning at the Apollo.
Security, Amateur night organizer workers made me feel less welcome than any designated fish ball allocation from my mother in law for myself for Easter or my Passover either.

INT. Apollo
Apollo Security
I didn’t ask you that.
Stay At Home Comedian
You don’t intimidate me after Paul Mooney refused to shake my hand, sorry. Let me guess, you dream of being Steve Harvey’s go to Apollo preshow fluffer.

Describing my endless wait for auditioning at the Apollo.
Security, Amateur, night organizer workers did their best to make me feel less welcome than Obama paying Shiva for a photo op if Netanyahu got iced.

Describing my endless wait for auditioning at the Apollo.
I’ve always hated waiting to perform at open mikes. Not once, have I shied away from putting my name 1st on the sign up list. You’d figure they’d want to heckle me ASAP. No such luck.

Describing my endless wait for auditioning at the Apollo.
I wasn’t nervous or scared despite being the only white boy waiting around for hours with all the other amateur rappers, I think despite no fake gold bling. I walked away.

Describing my endless wait for auditioning at the Apollo.
Definitely, the only white comedian waiting to showcase my 90 seconds of comedy gold. Reading about Justin Beiber in relation Nipsy Hustle on Breitbart sent me off, so I walked away.

Waiting for my audition at the Apollo was torture. I felt more distinguished on my 5th round of same day interviews for an IT recruiter job at Robert Half. At least, at Robert Half I was getting to paid to feel like a glamorized Indentured Servant.

Fuck the Apollo. The place is a dump now. And the only comedian which graced the walls heading upstairs was Moms Mabley. There were no pics of Redd Foxx, Dick Gregory, Cosby’s family friendly sweaters, nothing.

Describing my endless wait for auditioning at the Apollo.
My number is 214. 102 was just called. I’ve already been waiting for 2 hours. My 3 kids are in Delaware with my wife and dead weight conversationalist mother in law. House to myself awaited, I walked away.

My wife not helping her most annoying wife of all time case 1 bit.
Wife calls on speaker with my 3 kids.
Calling you to keep me company for the next 3 hours. Listen to my podcasts to keep yourself company. You’re only 105 behind.

Stoner insight into Grateful Dead Europe 72.
Gonna miss me when I’m gone. Is a tad presumptuous, don’t you think?

At my in-laws in Delaware, Colbert is on as I enter with my wife and 3 kids. I say. Why is Colbert smiling anymore? Trump gutted his funny. There are pictures on the Internet with Colbert acting cozy with Podesta for Christ sake.

At my in-laws in Delaware, Colbert is on as I enter with my wife and 3 kids. I say. If Stephen Colbert was John Stewart funny, I wouldn’t mind the unfunny Trump jokes.

INT. Starbucks
Friend
ANTIFA isn’t a terrorist organization.
Stay At Home Comedian
Tucker Carlson’s wife hid in the closet in a sea of dirty Vineyard Vines boxers as ANTIFA tried to ram through their front door in our nations capital no less.

What type of person desecrates a Buddhist temple? Besides, a reincarnated Jihadist. But Baby Face Omar is the new golden child. I want, the knife to backstab every two faced Jew on the planet.

Post stoner insight into Warrant’s Big Talk.
Big talk is cheap, unless you back it up. And we’re backing it up unless your Elizabeth Warren pushing for impeaching Trump based on charges with less solid footing than her claims to own moccasins of any kind.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

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