Friend of Stew Leonard’s

Get well John Singelton. Boyz In the Hood was great. Cube was never tighter on the big screen. Spike Lee resorted to Danny Aiello becoming a Public Enemy triggered racist out of the blue to make Do The Right Thing work.

INT. DICKS
Stay At Home Comedian
My wife bought a rain forest for our garden out of the blue.
So I’m getting myself a putter. To make my dad green with envy of my short game. I like the blue trim. I’m calling it Drano.

Phone call with friend about the LA Clippers.
Friend
I’ve been blogging about it.
Stay At Home Comedian Blogger
I feel very cheap and common all of a sudden.

Still on the phone with LA bud.
Stay At Home Comedian
You do realize it’s still lame for you to be a Clippers and Lakers fan?
Then again, you live in open borders country. So both teams are welcome in your backyard, I suppose.

Mom calls.
Mom
We were waiting for you to call last night?
Stay At Home Comedian
Sorry mom, had a good talk with Dad prior. I’ll have the kids call on Sunday.
Shocked, he didn’t tell you all about it.

EXT. COACHELLA
Stay At Home Comedian
I was on Blind Date. All I got from it was a free meal and herpes.
Hippie Chick
I got it from by bi-curious glass blower boyfriend. Reared on Lou Reed Records. Make my pussy sore already.

On the phone with Dad.
The Giants could’ve drafted a Jewish quarterback who played for University of Arizona. But instead they drafted a gentile who played for Duke. The world really hates our people Dad. Schumer doesn’t help.

Notes from an ex Knicks fan.
The Serb center on Denver is a dominant, Albino white Boris Diaw. Who makes KP unsure of his latent dominance. Also, the NBA store commercial on TNT makes feel culturally rich inside.

Being honest with myself after Clippers highlights.
I derived joy from seeing owner Steve Balmer all giddy on the sidelines, knowing Steve Kerr would have to answer questions with his hair tussled an inch out of place soon after.

Biden on running for President.
Humpback Merkel begged me to run. She can’t bear the brunt of open borders destruction on her hunched, depressed shoulders alone. Keep your yellow vests. Jihad against the west is here to stay.

In honor of Lesbian Day of Visibility.
Mom asks. Did I watch the woman’s march on Washington?
Yeah. I saw a whole lot of Rosie’s. Sporting a whole lot of chins.
I also thought. Trump increased pussy hat supply ten fold, USA.

Pence addressing the NRA.
Nobody is taking your guns. But ANTIFA’s loaded with bags of piss. The left is either constantly pissed or throwing it for 2 years straight. Wait until the indictments. Finally, they’ll be shitting bricks.

Trump defending his response to the Charlottesville rally.
My daughter doesn’t eat pork. She converted to Judaism to marry Jared. I moved our embassy to Jerusalem. I relegated the Nuke gifting Iran Deal to junk bond status.

Trump on Biden.
I am a young, vibrant man & will beat Biden easily. And his wife isn’t nearly as fetching as Melania. Not that their in the same age bracket. But I’m sure her Eastern Worshiper decorations as a sloppy seconds 1st lady compared to Melania would be fine.

Jack Dorsey calling Baby Face Omar after Trump’s tweet of the Twin Towers being taken down.

How did you get my phone number Jack?

George Soros, who else? We’re still fighting for the same team, right? And fuck Bibi. He sucks.

INT. GARAGE
Daughter
Look daddy, I can place my leg behind my ear
Stay At Home Comedian
Cover up Enchilada already. I feel like Otter the Gynecologist and I’m not happy about it one bit. I can’t eat baked clams for a 1 month.

INT. DICKS
Stay At Home Comedian
Excuse me, I noticed your GNR shirt. You should blow off the wife and check out Slash’s last show at the Hard Rock in Orlando later in August. He even makes Adam Levine sound transcendent.

I hate how much fan fare my youngest son Chosen Curls, AKA, Made In The Shade, receives over his big brother, Art Show, AKA, Feather Foot. Is Chosen Curls show stopping gorgeous? Yes, but big bro makes a 5 year old Leo look busted.

INT. HOME
Son
Nobody will play with me downstairs.
Mom
Let mommy finish her coffee.
Stay At Home Comedian
Let me sprinkle oregano on our shrimp feta tomato bake in peace.
I didn’t bother rummaging through the garden for it.

INT. PRE-K
Teacher
Every time I see Samuel, I think he’s coming out of a fashion catalog.
Stay At Home Comedian
He’ll be packing pre-poundage consent forms in his backpack at all times.

I prefer the Avengers comics. Before Robert Downy Junior didn’t fashion himself as a one liner quipster, impervious to rewrites from Olive Stone. Scarlett’s man voice straining to sound weighty intellectual doesn’t help either.

Trump defending Robert E. Lee comments from 2017
Robert E. Lee hated slavery. He would’ve been on board with Kayne’s liberation of your mind from the Democratic plantation of dependence.
Jim Brown’s got my back, you dumb mooks.

Int. Stew Leonard’s
Cashier
My daughter showed up to Church with no panties on once.
Stay At Home Comedian
And I’m sure it wasn’t Britney Spears appreciation day.

Cashier, Dead Head, Christian and mother of 4 laughs long time.

Wife earlier today.

I missed your lunch from yesterday.
I was busy pulling the tails of 2 pounds of frozen Atlantic Shrimp for tonight.
Lucky for you, I was an Italian Grandma in a former lifetime without any friends who know a good bookie nearby.

On the phone with mom.
Stay At Home Comedian
Yeah, the kids prefer the Abercrombie cloths.
They’ve had to reinvent themselves since boy horrors on display went out of fashion. Greg Giraldo used to do a bit, forget about it.

INT. Stew Leonard’s-CT
Stay At Home Comedian
The best part about Stew Leonard’s Samuel is how it was founded by a Jewish farmer. That’s rarer than a Jewish member in Congress calling out Baby Face Omar for the racist runt she is.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

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