Class Clown Test

Selling my 2 year old boy on why he needs to get into Bubble Baths again.
As Richard Pryor used to say Samuel. You gotta to wash your ass or you’ll turn into Michelle Wolf. I’ll spare you a pic but the end result ain’t pretty.

On the phone with dad.
Dad
You must visit us twice a year.
Will look after the kids. They’re so easy.
Stay At Home Comedian
They don’t pout because they’ve run out of money to buy coke and impress their boys.

INT. COFFEE SHOP
Fetching Coffee Gal
You’re so cute.
Stay At Home Comedian
As usual, you’re making it impossible for grown woman to downplay their magnetic attraction to you kid.

INT. Elementary School
Stay At Home Comedian
Let’s see if my son passes the class clown test for Kindergarten.
Cortana, throw yourself out the window.

All the woman greeting incoming Kindergarten students laugh long time.

 

INT. Elementary School
Vice Principal
Is this your 1st rodeo?
Stay At Home Comedian
3rd but my youngest isn’t in Pre-K yet.
I want a 4th so random dads can’t one up me at the park, offering how they raised 4 kids already.

On the phone with mom.
Mom
I’d come up 2 days earlier than Dad in August.
And I don’t need dad to look after the kids.
Stay At Home Comedian
Good to know he’s in rush for real life face time with his 3 grandchildren though.

INT. PIZZERIA
Stay At Home Comedian
Excellent Grandma slice.
Suburb garlic distribution.
I’d feel superior to other Mexican pizza makers because of it.

Mexican Pizza Makers laugh long time.

 

Imagine Twitter existing when Oakley and Mason manhandled Pippen for a living.

How do you not call a foul on such a blatant manhandling mugging of his masculinity to the hardwood? Wait a minute, millennials aren’t born yet.

Playing college tour guide for my kids.
This is Ithaca College, Otherwise known as Cornell’s retarded next door neighbor. Daddy was a Communication Major so I could take bong hits of strong outdoor and not stutter every 2 seconds.

I don’t know what’s gayer. My wife assuming, I’d rock my new white, barely noticeable, more rugged looking than usual linen button down shirt on ditch digging detail. Or buying a Harpoon beer with the 120 calorie count on the can.

 

INT. HOME
Stay At Home Comedian
Babe, are you dead?
Wife
I can’t have 2 seconds to put make up on upstairs.
Stay At Home Comedian
Like any man would complain about their wife applying touch up work on an already perfect face.

NY Times trying to apologize for becoming the Anti-Semitic newspaper of record.

The cartoon of a blind Trump being lead by a dog with a Star of David on, representing Bibi was an error of judgement like strike 1 against Omar.

 

NY Times apologizing for becoming the Anti-Semitic  newspaper of record.

We didn’t report on the trains to Auschwitz in preventable mass extermination time. And we’re not friends of the Jewish people despite being in Jew York.

Memo to Sally Yates.
Nobody cares about whether you question President Trump’s patriotism. He didn’t become President to enrich himself or kill off Larry the Cable Guy’s extended family with Fentanyl, you feckless, spying cunt.

 

Michael Moore is calling for a Democratic Civil War. Jussie Smollett tried. Your simpleton  reporting of Bush equaling evil doesn’t play anymore you witless, hick hack for hire. Care to comment on Kid Love Productions Maher lover?

 

America’s tired of the circus of Donald Trump CNN? No, we’re tired of the media inciting violence against President Trump supporters. But above else, we’re tired of Obama, Hillary and their deep state cronies not being in Gitmo yet.

 

Baby Face Omar just suggested Jesus, the original super Jew was Palestinian. I don’t know of any solid Palestinian Carpenters. Do they have a Home Depot in the West Bank? Palestinians attacked and lost, get over it already.

 

Pope Francis just cut a half a million dollar check to fun migrant caravans to the US. But we don’t want them Pope. That’s like funding a documentary on the misunderstood, remixing genius of Carlos Mencia. We’re not interested.

 

I’ll accuse Trump of obstructing justice. If A) He doesn’t make E-Verify the law of the land for upcoming 2020 election B) Doesn’t make sure Comey, Clapper and Brennan aren’t in jail by 2020 C) Have a wall built to shut Ann Coulter up already.

 

INT. Elementary School
Teacher
Is your son receiving speech assistance?
Stay At Home Comedian
He listens to my podcast.
Teacher
What’s your podcast about?
Stay At Home Comedian
Proving to mom I’m not a stuttering jerk-off.

 

INT. Elementary School
Teacher
Is your son receiving speech assistance?
Stay At Home Comedian
I have no problem understanding him like an H1-B SAP programmer who requires subtitles to be understood, no offense.

INT. Elementary School
Teacher
Is your son receiving speech assistance?
Stay At Home Comedian
Are you telling me, pubescent ebonics from Dr. Seuss isn’t working?
He never had any kids. Fox in Socks would’ve have bombed on them.

INT. Elementary School
Teacher
Is your son receiving speech assistance?
Stay At Home Comedian
Are you telling me, pubescent ebonics from Dr. Seuss isn’t working?
He never had any kids. No wonder he resorted to silly babble.

INT. Elementary School
Teacher
Is your son receiving speech assistance?
Stay At Home Comedian
Yeah, I’ve hired Stephen Miller on retainer.
If a brilliant phrase maker like President Trump leans on him for extra assistance.

INT. Elementary School
Teacher
Is your son receiving speech assistance?
Stay At Home Comedian
I’m not worried about him requiring Ben Rhodes to spoon feed him lines through a teleprompter without his stammering stutter kick in.

On the phone with mom.
Mom
Your father is enjoying the NBA playoffs so much.
Stay At Home Comedian
But Knick fans hate how much more talented the competition is. You’ll feel the same way when Trump torches your hopefuls in 2020.

On the phone with dad.
Dad
If you won’t move here. You must visit us twice a year.
Will look after the kids. They’re so easy.
Stay At Home Comedian
Sure, when Mom does all the stimulating arts and crafts while you smoke.

EXT. HOUSE
Wife
Great job digging babe.
But the angry yells are freaking out our neighbors.
We’re you thinking of your brother.
Stay At Home Comedian
Mark Levin for never acknowledging my tweets sent to him in my honor.

INT. Elementary School
Stay At Home Comedian
You know you’re getting old when you see a Derek Jeter book in the biography section of the school library. The Internet’s been in Libraries longer than he’s had herpes.

INT. TOY SHOP
Stay At Home Comedian
I like our Bruce Lee action figure better kids.
This one doesn’t even have abs.
Daughter
Stop drinking beer daddy. I’ve got a 4 pack. You’ve got a zero pack.

Toy Shop manager laughs long time.

INT. Library
Vice Principal
Is this your 1st rodeo?
Stay At Home Comedian
3rd actually but 4 kids would really piss my parents off.
But I don’t work for a Private Equity firm. So what’s my game plan exactly? 2 best sellers baby.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

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