6 million hits later, I learn 420 is Hitler’s birthday. I haven’t felt this betrayed since Stallone snuck Mel Gibson into Expendables 3.
My daughter winning Miss USA. Don’t stop clapping but Trump keep your hands up high where I can see them.
Kathy Griffin looks like Clifford and Trans Chucky had a baby.
In the past 2 years 48 people have been terminated at Google for sexual harassment. But software engineers are too busy banging out code to hit on girls. A typical Perl script command isn’t massage my Carpal Tunnel ho.
There’s no such thing as Kevin Hart haters, just short on laugh spectators.
Out of work music executive defending his stoner ways in Divorce Court.
My wife hits me judge. On weed, it slows down her punches and it’s easier to defend myself like Neo in the Matrix.
What’s the best thing about being a stay at home dad? Drinking alone is no longer an issue.
Why is it hard for stay at home dads to score job interviews? Corporate America isn’t into hooking up with bearded ladies.
This is a Latino Republican on Real Time with Bill Maher.
The Wall is just symbolic Bill. Maher says. Don’t Latino Republicans skip their Santana pothead phase in college all together?
Obama and Farrakhan look real tight in the pic hidden from the American public the 8 years he was President. You’d think Farrakhan sent him personal emails about this rising Muslim star named Omar to YourMamaObama@gmail.com
Astrology off between my kids.
I say. Matilda shares the same sign with George Washington and Einstein.
Arthur’s got Martin Luther King and Ben Franklin. Daughter says, I don’t like this Astrology off anymore. I reply. Pisces are very competitive.
I fell asleep to Dark Matter narrated by Neil De Grasse Tyson at the Hayden Planetarium. What, Neil De Grasse Tyson is only interesting in 3 minute spurts despite IMAX renderings of the Universe in his favor.
Claiming Lebron would beat MJ in one on one because he moves better laterally is a weak argument. Granted, Lebron has plenty of experience getting out of the way for others to clinch victory in NBA Finals games of 5 on 5.
Stay At Home Dads can be trophy wives to, even if their past acting work was limited to extra work on Desperate Housewives and The OC. Especially knowing, other stay at home dads in suburban New York aren’t linked to Hugh Grant on Stilts.
Stay At Home Comedian screening nannies because he’s got a book promotion tour on the horizon.
Can you teach my daughter to paint like Frida yet fight the urge to stroke her hair ever so gently?
Shakespeare said hanging perverts has prevented many a bad marriage. I guess decoupling hadn’t caught on yet.