Boyish Boring

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Colby chants her name in class, when she hits homers in wiffle ball and he’s the best athlete in class. You better recognize.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
25 years of blow and booze and now you blame your stomach issues on being lactose intolerant? You’re a performance coach because?

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Matilda doesn’t prance down the court on her tippy toes. Looking like she’s sporting high heels instead of high tops like I did.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
I had her clearing 5 stairwell stairs at 4. Now, she’s breaking school high jump records in the 3rd grade, jerkoff.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Again, she already broke the school high jump record in the 2nd grade. You blow through eight balls in record time.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
She just finds most traditional team sports boyish boring. You know like Mom with the Knicks.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Matilda already has her own home run dance. She signs her autograph with the tip of her Wiffle Bat every time she goes yard.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Matilda already as one more belt in Kung Fu than our entire immediate family combined.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Matilda can already do a perfect cart wheel, which is more than I can say for mama’s off balance, half formed monstrosity.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
She’s not clamoring to play softball yet because she prefers to play wiffle ball with me instead, her exact words actually.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Matilda kisses her guns as she makes the monkey bars her bitch again and again. You’re such a waste of breath.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Dad sent you to an all Catholic boarding school full of Division One hockey players who threw pennies at you during Mass. But I’m the clueless dad coach over here.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Have you molded a girl who teachers want to clone to ensure their lives are fuss free forevermore?

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
She can throw a perfect spiral and your life is constantly spiraling out of control. Given up gambling again Ace?

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
You get all your opinions on life from analogies on sports radio. Collin Herd is an overrated, boring twerp. Stephen A, he isn’t.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Joan Rivers didn’t play ball either. But I’m sure Hugh Jackman will perform at your funeral sendoff.

Michael Kornbluth

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