Jokes Not Getting Me On Kimmel

Married couples are divorcing in droves over Trump. I wouldn’t mind making my sex life above average again. Put it in Indiana MILF, I’m ready to play, play.

Mention his name again and you’re sleeping outside. Then, six more years of purgatory starts right now.
Queens is so hot, no it’s not. Queens, compared to Manhattan and Brooklyn is the sloppy third Kardashian sister. You know the extra greasy one, that’s easy to pound at three in the morning like a Lamb Gyro in Astoria.

My prayer for Montreal. When President Trump became president, I prayed for them to build a wall around the strip clubs in Montreal, so Lena Dunham wouldn’t scare away all the clientele.

My News Years Eve wish this past year. Ball drops. I say, “How about you go down on me now? Wife says. “But I blew you this last week.” I reply. “Just pretend Obama ordered you to leak it.”

Trump has ties to Russia. Duh, most mail order bride owners do.
Has the Rocky Statue been taken down yet? Because it promotes white supremacy. Knowing Rocky whips Clubber Lang’s ass in Rocky 3?
Michelle Obama isn’t running for President for 2020. What would be her campaign slogan anyway, Obama’s 5 O Clock shadow part two?
This is an impersonation of my new Trump voiced GPS system. Exit left for Mohegan Sun, Elizbeth Warren’s home away from home.
If you want to talk about accomplishments, Obama did rebrand ISIS to ISIL, so they’d sound more startup friendly in the NY Times.
It took Hillary six times to get her Metro Subway card to work. By the sixth swipe, Hillary blurts under her breath, “Super predators, I mean black people are watching, you can do it.”
Can’t believe my mom asked me if my six year old daughter at the time, watched the Woman’s March on Washington. I reply, “Yeah mom in a burka, to see she’s got nothing to bitch about. Also, mom my daughter is learning how to read now. So the last I need in my life is her trying to make out of those signs at the Woman’s March on TV.” Daughter squints her eyes, trying to make out of those signs on TV and says, “Dada, what’s pa, pa, pussy power. Is that a new show on Amazon Prime?”

A cheerleader from the Baltimore Ravens got arrested for raping a fifteen-year-old boy. My tenth-grade teacher forced me to read the Raven poem by Edgar Allen Poe against my free will. And all she got for it was tenure and more poetry rejection letters from the New Yorker.

A new study reveals female dragon flies play dead to prevent sexual assault. Bill Cosby victims call this wishful thinking.

I love Trump’s over the top salesmanship and relentless optimism. If he was diagnosed with HIV today, he’d tweet the next morning. “Do I have HIV, yes? But my T-Cell count numbers have never been stronger.”

Michael Kornbluth

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